Ever since I learned to write, I've been writing stories. Short ones that I wrote as a kid and was mortified to hear my mom reading to an aunt over the phone. Long ones that I LITERALLY spent all of my after school hours (including the ones I should have been sleeping) working on from jr. high clear through high school. I've even dabbled in free lance poems from time to time because I think they're a great way to write hilarious things. I just love writing things that come to my brain.
And a lot of things do. I, at 24 years old, still have a crazy imagination. There was a period about a year ago where for about 6 months, I felt like it was gone. I was panicked about it. But i stopped going online so much, got back into reading and imagining my own worlds, slowly picked up writing again, and it was back.
And i got another idea for a book one day, while walking into Walmart with my friends and noticing an odd shaped cloud above a mountain behind us. And I kept thinking about weird things about that cloud as we walked through the store, me, as usual, not paying attention to what the other two were chatting on about, lost in my own thoughts.
So when I got home, I got straight to writing. And I finished an entire book. (I mean, there was a few months, maybe even a year in betwee,n but still). Never in my life had I done that before. I can't even remember the exact date I finished, (if I went through my twitter feed, I'm sure I could find it because I was very excited and tweeted about it.) But I know I was super excited and told people because it was such a huge thing for me.
I am the LEAST organized writer ever, if you can't tell from this. I jump around a lot. And when writing, I normally don't plot things out or even write down characters and stuff. (Which I'm regretting huge now.) I just write. It's there, it has to come out. I have gone to work or school with an hour or less of sleep because I HAVE to keep writing. I don't have the time to organize things out properly. (My mom has decided I probably have some sort of attention disorder.)
So when I actually finished this book, and noticed that I DID, in fact, have the ending thought of before hand and even some plot points written down in a folder titled "Story 5 ideas", I was super excited. And I'm realizing it's a lot easier than I thought to just jot down what I want to have happen and fill in details as it goes. I have probably 10 or more unfinished stories right now. Also the sequel for the one I did finish has no end right now, but i know I need to write it. Imagine how much farther along I'd be if I had just followed through on thinking and planning. Ah, it stresses me so haha.
Anyway, I am in a panic lately because I lost my job (due to car problems, but of fucking course I still lost the damn job.) and finding a new one has sent me into full blown panic/anxiety mode, which I hate. I'm still praying for some miracle job that I don't have to stress to get lol.
But I started looking at all these notebooks from Jr. High and high school that I have in piles around my room and in drawers (and 5 are stuffed under my mattress for some reason?), and the loads of documents saved onto my computer, all full of words I have poured hours of time, tears, laughter, and heart into that are just sitting. Doing nothing but being something for me to look at when I'm bored and feeling nostalgic.
And I have always wanted to WRITE, but I wasn't thinking that could be a job, and I'm not gonna count on it ever being a job for me. But I decided today that I really want to try. I want to be published. I want the thing that I have spent most of my life loving and doing to actually mean something.
The thought of someone reading my stuff scares the hell out of me because honestly, I don't think I'm that great of a writer. I know for sure I will be in the young adult category. That's what I know to write. That's what I like. I just don't know if I'm any good at it.
I dunno. It seems weird that getting published is a goal. In fact, making an actual career of writing is like, my dream. And I know so many people write and don't get much of anywhere with it. And that's why I want to start with a small goal. I just want my stories out there. They're entertaining to me, maybe they'll get someone else through a few hours of boredom.
I don't even know where to start. And there's also the whole "I need to find an actual paying job because bills and holy fuck Christmas is coming." panic that I keep getting and that's really blocked my brain right now.
I dunno. For the first time in my life, I have a GOAL. A goal that isn't "Get married and have kids and be a stay at home mom" (Which by the way, is going really bad so if you know a single guy who's 23-30 and he's wanting to date someone and isn't picky, lemme know hahaha).
I know sooooo many people dream of being the next big author, or even just being able to make a living off of it. And I guess that could be part of my goal. Or maybe my next goal if I ever reach my first goal of getting published. And I know it doesn't happen for most people and that makes me sad but also it's good to know going into it what might happen. I dunno.
This has all come out really unorganized and hard to read. I swear my actual writing isn't like this. It's really hard for me to write out my own thoughts, but when I'm writing someone else's, it's like it's not even me writing. It's just my hands doing the work and my brains on auto-pilot. Which I love. I love having my thoughts off for a bit and just escaping my life to hang out in someone else's.
This was supposed to just be me saying I wanna be a published author but it's turned into a mess. I'm blaming lack of sleep on this one. Anyway. I have a goal. I don't know how or when or even how to get started accomplishing this one, but I have it in place at least.
Well, I'm done spewing out my own thoughts. I feel better for now. Wish me luck on things, i DEFINITELY need it, even if it's just good vibes for a job.
