life.

ok. so. things aren't going well at all. I'm being kicked out by my dad this week. I have a place to go, my moms, but she doesn't have internet, i have no phone, and neither of us have a car. Or money. so job finding is going to be MUCH harder than it already is. And my anxiety is kicking my ass completely, which sucks. I had so much hope for a bit that it was going to get better and it just isn't and the depression has come back worse than ever and I just am in a really low place right now. I don't want to move. I'm gonna miss my little sister. i wont have her to talk to anymore, or hang out with. I am especially sad about moving away from my dog. Hes the only thing i even look forward to seeing anymore when I'm away from the house. I think he can tell I'm leaving soon too, cos he doesn't leave me alone now and it breaks my heart. Like i feel like he is the only thing keeping me sane, and that's so dumb cos hes just a dog, but its true. 

I tried to tell my dad about my anxiety when i was going to be interviewing for the daycare I worked at and started to have a panic attack in front of him. He told me to grow up and that its all in my head, which yeah that's cool way to be helpful. I just want to be normal. I don't really know whats going on, but my chest is like achy sometimes when i get really sad. Like i can feel all things happy being sucked into this big hole in my chest and it sucks and i cant be happy anymore. I am a person who loves laughing and being around people, and lately i have to fake to even be excited to see my friends and I've been snippy with one of them and when we're out somewhere sometimes i go off into my thoughts of sad shit and they can tell by my face and will ask if I'm ok and it takes so much energy to smile and say yeah. Because I'm not. I am really not ok. I don't know what happened, but since October last year I have just had bad luck with things, and I've been getting worse on all my mental shit and now I'm not going to have ANYONE to turn to. I've been telling people online about it, it's less awkward that way. And now I wont even have that. I wont have a way to contact my friends, and one of them is moving 20 minutes away for school, which seems like nothing till you have no way to contact them or get to them. 

I don't even feel like getting out of bed anymore, and i normally don't unless i have something to do. Like i have to pack everything i own tomorrow i guess. and then i have to leave my car here till i find a job because i cant drive it without insurance. I already got in trouble for that once, and i learned my lesson. I don't know what to do. And i know no one reads my blog posts. But if someone ever does, and you have some advice, please. I will take anything. I am so scared about what I'm gonna end up doing. I've lost the will to live i guess. I kinda stopped believing in God, which i used to. but now i don't i have prayed for help or an answer or anything and i have got nothing and I see so many people suffering. Why would God allow that, unless he isn't there to see it? I dunno. I just am not doing well anymore. I wasn't doing great to start with but now its pretty bad. anyway. I'm done. this will be my last post till i find a job and get internet unless maybe i just don't write here ever again. bye.

Oh yeah.

PS I MET PATRICK STUMP LAST MONTH. JUNE 23RD 2013. I DIDN'T CRY. Tho I did cry during the concert when Fall Out Boy first came out. <3 I love them so so so much.

(please excuse my ugliness I'm not even kidding I was sweating and it was like 98 degrees waiting in line and probably over 100 in the building so I was so shiny from sweat and I just looked gross sorry. He looks fucking perfect tho.)


We would make cute babies. If they looked like him. :)

shortest blog post i will ever write

My friends birthday party was today. I got a ride with her and her sister. On the way home, her nephew rode home with us and my friend went with some other friends. The nephew opened the back car door for me, scooted the car seat that was in there over, waited for me to get in, and then closed the door for me. I've never had that done for me before. It was probably THE nicest thing a male has ever done for me. I loved it too much, and thought about it the whole 25 minute drive home. The boy is 16, and knows how to treat women. That kid is going to make an AMAZING husband to a girl someday. Like, I will be jealous of the girl that snags him up cos she's getting a total sweetheart. The end.

Update on my life and whatnot.

So, long time, no...type. haha. It's ok, i haven't sat in front of a camera and filmed since December so I'm doing better here.

Mostly I just want to talk about what's gone on lately with me. I have gone back to having pretty bad anxiety days, but I am just trying to push through it. It's hard tho. Really hard. I have to find a new job, cos for one, this one doesn't pay enough at all, I still had to borrow money from my dad to pay my insurance yesterday, and for two, my boss is gonna move anyway and they are closing the daycare. (Which, I had to hear from my little brother, who is dating my boss's daughter. I guess my boss didn't want to tell us yet, even tho we could be finding different jobs but whatever.) Anyway, I'm in a bit of a panic about it, cos I am freaking horrible at applying for jobs, let alone going into a freaking interview. I just wish it wasn't so hard for me, but I know there are worse things I could be dealing with so...whatever I guess.

My friend and I were hanging out today, and she was saying how it would be fun if us and my other friend got an apartment or something for a bit, just to try it out, living on our own, and I'm super excited and really hope that it happens. Cos the other friend and I have been planning it, but we weren't really thinking the first friend would want to move, but she does! at least for a bit :) So I need a decent ish job at least. And it would be fun, living with my friends and not having rules, decorating our way haha. I want it to happen. :)

Also, this is gonna be a super busy month for me, so I am SUPER hoping that my boss has me work more. I need 2 tickets for Warped tour on the 29th, one for my sister as her birthday present, and the other for me haha. I might ask my dad for that tho cos I really am broke. And my birthday is on the 18th. Not so fun but whatever. Leads up to better things like the 21st! My friend is having a birthday party for me! I'm excited. Then the 22nd is FALL OUT BOY!!!! :D <3 I think I might cry. And the 25th, my family is going to see Josh Turner, and my step mom has VIP tickets so that's cool.

So yeah. That's about the only cool things in my life, and then the whole anxiety came back bull crap. It was a nice 2 days tho, not being as worried about things, not having that horrible "everyone hates me, every one's looking at me, every one's watching me" thing. A very good 2 days.

Alrighty well, have a good one, and thanks for reading!

I deserve all the junk food I ate today I think.

Gonna try to keep this short. So lately, I've been working at my brothers' girlfriends' mom's daycare. Haha mouthful. But I like it, and I like the kids still even tho it's been two weeks of tantrums and poopy, snotty, dirty kids. :) They just are cute and say and do the sweetest and funniest things. :) Sometimes.

Anyway, payday was today, and my boss wrote us checks. I'm used to a big corporation that just sends out printed checks that I make family cash for me, so I panicked and thought I couldn't cash that, because I don't have a bank account. I have been way too scared to go get one. I'm almost 22, and have been working since 17, and still didn't have one. Until today! I had a short panic, and then, I decided to go after work to get an account, and not let anxiety and nerves get to me. 

I've already been driving LOADS now, not as scared as I used to be of it. (It's out of necessity tho, which was good for me I think. It MADE me drive more that way. The center is a town over, and I go on a busy road :]) And then today, I walked in to the bank and got an account. Granted, my mom had to come with me to keep me calm and do SOME of the talking. (Not all of it like I had planned tho, I did pretty good.) But still. She has been telling me for years to get one, and today I decided I wasn't having any of my anxiety's bullshit. I had a good day when it came to that. I ordered my own food. I paid for my Wal-Mart stuff. I tried on a shirt (that I ended up hating) I drove on main roads. I got a fucking bank account and talked to the fucking bank lady. I did it.

I hope I can keep this up. I love feeling like this. I still was nervous and got a sick feeling when it came time to do all this, nerves getting me for sure. But once it was done and I drove all over town and all sorts of shit I normally beg others to do, I felt really decent. I needed a day like today. I'm very thankful I had it. Even tho I got a sunburn. Taking sunscreen to work next time for sure. 

Song of the day is Sunburn by Muse. I feel like I might have done this song before, maybe not on here tho. (But maybe on here. Sorry if it's a repeat. Listen to it anyway, it's that good.) Alrighty well. Have a good one! <3

PS I was just reading this over for major spelling and grammar errors, and I saw that the song of the day is Sunburn, on the day that I got one. I didn't plan that, but it's funny cos once I got off work, I wanted to hear that song, even tho I wasn't even thinking about my actual burn yet haha.

I love my dog now...and a few random ranty bits.

Skip a few paragraphs for the random bits if you want, cos the first chunk is about my dog. :)  And I'm sure it's not interesting to anyone but me. :D

I am not an animal person, at all. I don't like people's pets, I didn't like my step-mothers dog, and I REALLY didn't like the new dog we got after Riley had to be put down in July. We got a little wiener dog-ish dog, I'm sure there's an actual name for him but i have no idea. His name is Slinky. For the record tho, I am VERY against harming animals, animal abusers should be killed in my opinion, and if being a vegetarian wasn't so expensive, I would be. (I was one for 4 years when I was younger, so I know it costs a lot.)  

Anyway, the last few months, I have been warming up to him, since it's just me and him home during the day, and I'm asleep till 1 or 2 most days. (I don't sleep at night. I dunno what's wrong with me.) And Slinky is a pretty lazy dog, he loves to sleep or lay around all day and night. When he used to jump up into my bed while I was sleeping, I would make him leave. But since it's just been me and him, I let him now cos I feel bad. He loves my brother, and my brother always had him close by. But now he's got a girlfriend, so he's never home, and poor Slinky lost his buddy. Also, my mom told me Slinky has the brain of a 2-4 year old and now I can't stop picturing him as a little toddler, just wanting to play and nap. 

 So yeah, it's weird for me and everyone I know that I like a dog, and carry him around wrapped up in a blanket like a baby. (He likes it, I promise. He LOVES blankets.) And I miss him when I go with my friends or when my step-mother locks him in her room at night. (I think she's jealous he likes us kids better than her.) And now I look at all dogs and want to just pet them and love them. Slinky has changed my heart I think. :D For the better, I hope. 

<  Slinky's Halloween costume
   Slinky being a majestic couch princess.>

So yeah, dog rant aside, there was a petition to get the ban on Kinder Eggs in the US dropped. I don't think it got near enough signatures to work, tho I wish it did. My friends have got them (either on vacation or a sneaky relative has sent them.) and they keep telling me how good the chocolate is, and show me their fun toys inside. I think it's so dumb they aren't allowed here. Don't give your kids something small that says it has a prize inside. You know that prize is gonna be even smaller. Don't be stupid. I feel like I'm missing out on everything nice, and I have never in my life been on vacation and definitely can't afford one anytime soon, so it sucks that I won't ever be getting one.

My friend Cassie has started doing YouTube vlogs, and Cece wants to start too. So now I have friends I can talk to about filming and also film with. :) Hilary and Rachel have been very kind to let me film them and our adventures, but I think they think I'm weird for doing so, even tho Hilary does watch some YouTube videos that I share. (Like Crabstickz. :D) So yeah, having friends that know is nice. Even tho none of us are like, full time, loads of viewers whatever. I just do it for fun. I like filming my memories. I like editing it. I like when people watch my stuff. I dunno. 

Anyway, I think I will wrap this up. Song of the day is Anywhere But Here by Mayday Parade. Great song. Also, Fall Out Boy leaked their album a week early and you can listen to it for FREE on soundcloud, which I would recommend doing because it is AMAZING. And a YouTuber I have been watching (a bit obsessively, really.) is Sprinkleofglitter. (Louise) She's really funny and real about things, and shares a lot of her life which I like a lot, and has such a cute daughter and I just really love her. I think besides Dan and Phil, I would most like to meet her. And Zoe. :) She has a blog on here too, but I don't know how to link or I would. She does beauty, life vlogs, talks about things people want to talk about. (Her having a baby story has made me think twice about wanting kids anytime soon, the poor girl.) But yeah check her out. :) Search sprinkleofglitter blog and I'm sure you'll find it, or there's a link on her YouTube channel. Ok I probably should go to bed. I always get chatty when I'm tired. Ok. Bye for now! Have a good day!

Color Fest 2013

I went to the annual Festival of Colors at the Sri Sri Radha Krishna Temple, which is a town over from me, yesterday. I was and still am feeling much better about things after talking to my friend, and getting out with my other friends helped a lot more. It was really a lot of fun! It was my first time there, as well as one of my friends, so we really didn't know what to expect. 

Her dad dropped us off in the middle of the street since the traffic kept stopping, and we followed a crowd into the line where we paid to get in. Then we waited for our other friend Rachel, who had brought along a school friend since they had left early. We didn't know there were 2 entrances so we waited a long time before deciding to go in and look for her. We didn't expect the literally THOUSANDS of people wandering around, throwing colorful dust at us. 
                                                                                                                                                             
First, a guy walked up and threw some green on us, cos we were too naked or something. So we were excited to have some color and happy about it all. Then we continued to walk on, and I passed a man with his daughter on his shoulders. She looked down and dumped her bag of yellow dust onto my head, which was awesome. :) And from there, it's just people throwing color at you as you pass, or coming up to you and asking if they can put some on ya. My favorite was when we had been inside for just a minute, some guy walking passed me ran his hand along my cheek and chin, saying "You're beautiful." and smearing purple across it all. It was so funny and kinda scary to me cos I'm so shy, but it helped prepare me for what was to come with people just walking up touching you or throwing color at you. 


Hilary, Me, Camber, and Cece
 
We found some girls I know that I'm starting to be friends with, and we were with them for a while. At the bottom of this hill, there was a stage set, and a band playing some sort of music, with the singer shouting out "Peace!" and "You all look so beautiful!" and stuff like that, and I felt like a hippie kind of :) I threw my dust on random people and wasnt even shy about it. The cutest thing was this really small girl, probably 2 or 3, had a handful of dust, and her mom told her to go put it on someone. So she ran up to me and smacked it on my butt, cos thats where she could reach and I had my back to her. It was so funny, and her mom was like "oh shit." but I just smiled to let her know i didn't mind at all. 

Then the big color throw came, which is where the stage guys countdown every 2 hours, and everyone throws their colors in the air. There's loads of really awesome pictures online if you want to look it up, but I didn't get a very good one cos I'm really short, and I don't want to steal someone's picture to put on here hahaha. (I am making a color fest vlog tho, if you ever wanna look me up on youtube :]]) Rachel and her friend had to leave, so Hilary and I just decided to walk around, telling my other friends we would meet up later. We got frozen yogurt, which I had never tried. I don't think I will go back to ice cream. Vanilla frozen yogurt is pure heaven on a spoon.                                                           
                
      My face when I got home.                                                                         My hair :) I like it that way:)
We decided to leave, and my other friends came at the same time. I really like them. I met them through my friend that really helped me the other night, and they have been nothing but nice to me since I met them. :) They are lovely girls. Hilary's mom came to pick us up, and had to put blankets in her car cos we were a MESS. Showering it all off was pure hell, and it stained my hands, wrist, and face. I had a beard and a Hitler stache, and a smudge of purple across my cheek after scrubbing my face twice. I finally got it all off, and out of my hair, and then got ready to go to Hilary's for S'mores. We tried to build a fire but her boyfriend had to come out and do it for us, and when Rachel showed up it started dying. We had hot dogs with cheese in them, (well, Hilary and I did, cos Rachel is a vegetarian.) and some Corona's, my new favorite drink. (Rachel didn't have that either, she doesn't drink haha.) and we told funny stories and laughed and it was a good end to a good day, even tho the fire died completely and it was cold out. 

So it was a super good day, and I love my friends a lot and really appreciate them for taking me since my car isn't running, and I hate driving anyway :))  I haven't done a recommended music for a bit, so today it's a whole album. Comedown Machine by The Strokes just came out, and it is AMAZING. 80's Comedown Machine, Welcome To Japan, and One Way Trigger are my favorites. It's a bit different from older Strokes albums, and people are having fits over it, but if you have an open mind, you'll love it. Well, that's it for today. :) Bye for now. :)