Dunno where else to put this but i want it out, so it's going here.

I am super happy that my 2 best friends are dating guys and happy. but i am hella sad that i still am not. blah.

Life Update.

It's been ages. Finally got wifi tho thanks to my cousin who lives next door hahaha.

Keeping this short because i really don't wanna do a long blog post and like no one reads these anyway sooooooooooooo.

~Updates~

• I'm fine at my mom's house now. It's not that horrible haha. 
• We got a dog, another wiener dog, who i love called Daizi. I still miss the shit out of Slinky tho but i get to see him sometimes.
• Got a job watching kids for now. Doesn't pay much at all but its enough to pay bills and do things with friends so i am HAPPY with it. Its not enough to move out tho, or get glasses or health insurance, which sucks. 
• Anxiety and depression still suck. They both also still kick my ass but i just deal with it hahaha. 

• i went on one date. Didn't really click with the guy but he is an AMAZING friend. say i friend zoned him all you want, we just didn't click. we don't have much in common. but i really do love him as a friend, i can tell him ANYTHING and he tries to help and understand, and i do the same for him. 

I think that's pretty much it. I dunno if I'll write more blog posts, i like it but i just...no one reads em haha and i dunno if my life is interesting enough anyway. i hardly do anything but sit at home after babysitting for 10 hours a day, and then weekends i sometimes do things hahaha.

Anyway, that's about it for now. Who knows if I'll write more. If I get interesting I will haha. 

life.

ok. so. things aren't going well at all. I'm being kicked out by my dad this week. I have a place to go, my moms, but she doesn't have internet, i have no phone, and neither of us have a car. Or money. so job finding is going to be MUCH harder than it already is. And my anxiety is kicking my ass completely, which sucks. I had so much hope for a bit that it was going to get better and it just isn't and the depression has come back worse than ever and I just am in a really low place right now. I don't want to move. I'm gonna miss my little sister. i wont have her to talk to anymore, or hang out with. I am especially sad about moving away from my dog. Hes the only thing i even look forward to seeing anymore when I'm away from the house. I think he can tell I'm leaving soon too, cos he doesn't leave me alone now and it breaks my heart. Like i feel like he is the only thing keeping me sane, and that's so dumb cos hes just a dog, but its true. 

I tried to tell my dad about my anxiety when i was going to be interviewing for the daycare I worked at and started to have a panic attack in front of him. He told me to grow up and that its all in my head, which yeah that's cool way to be helpful. I just want to be normal. I don't really know whats going on, but my chest is like achy sometimes when i get really sad. Like i can feel all things happy being sucked into this big hole in my chest and it sucks and i cant be happy anymore. I am a person who loves laughing and being around people, and lately i have to fake to even be excited to see my friends and I've been snippy with one of them and when we're out somewhere sometimes i go off into my thoughts of sad shit and they can tell by my face and will ask if I'm ok and it takes so much energy to smile and say yeah. Because I'm not. I am really not ok. I don't know what happened, but since October last year I have just had bad luck with things, and I've been getting worse on all my mental shit and now I'm not going to have ANYONE to turn to. I've been telling people online about it, it's less awkward that way. And now I wont even have that. I wont have a way to contact my friends, and one of them is moving 20 minutes away for school, which seems like nothing till you have no way to contact them or get to them. 

I don't even feel like getting out of bed anymore, and i normally don't unless i have something to do. Like i have to pack everything i own tomorrow i guess. and then i have to leave my car here till i find a job because i cant drive it without insurance. I already got in trouble for that once, and i learned my lesson. I don't know what to do. And i know no one reads my blog posts. But if someone ever does, and you have some advice, please. I will take anything. I am so scared about what I'm gonna end up doing. I've lost the will to live i guess. I kinda stopped believing in God, which i used to. but now i don't i have prayed for help or an answer or anything and i have got nothing and I see so many people suffering. Why would God allow that, unless he isn't there to see it? I dunno. I just am not doing well anymore. I wasn't doing great to start with but now its pretty bad. anyway. I'm done. this will be my last post till i find a job and get internet unless maybe i just don't write here ever again. bye.

Oh yeah.

PS I MET PATRICK STUMP LAST MONTH. JUNE 23RD 2013. I DIDN'T CRY. Tho I did cry during the concert when Fall Out Boy first came out. <3 I love them so so so much.

(please excuse my ugliness I'm not even kidding I was sweating and it was like 98 degrees waiting in line and probably over 100 in the building so I was so shiny from sweat and I just looked gross sorry. He looks fucking perfect tho.)


We would make cute babies. If they looked like him. :)

shortest blog post i will ever write

My friends birthday party was today. I got a ride with her and her sister. On the way home, her nephew rode home with us and my friend went with some other friends. The nephew opened the back car door for me, scooted the car seat that was in there over, waited for me to get in, and then closed the door for me. I've never had that done for me before. It was probably THE nicest thing a male has ever done for me. I loved it too much, and thought about it the whole 25 minute drive home. The boy is 16, and knows how to treat women. That kid is going to make an AMAZING husband to a girl someday. Like, I will be jealous of the girl that snags him up cos she's getting a total sweetheart. The end.

Update on my life and whatnot.

So, long time, no...type. haha. It's ok, i haven't sat in front of a camera and filmed since December so I'm doing better here.

Mostly I just want to talk about what's gone on lately with me. I have gone back to having pretty bad anxiety days, but I am just trying to push through it. It's hard tho. Really hard. I have to find a new job, cos for one, this one doesn't pay enough at all, I still had to borrow money from my dad to pay my insurance yesterday, and for two, my boss is gonna move anyway and they are closing the daycare. (Which, I had to hear from my little brother, who is dating my boss's daughter. I guess my boss didn't want to tell us yet, even tho we could be finding different jobs but whatever.) Anyway, I'm in a bit of a panic about it, cos I am freaking horrible at applying for jobs, let alone going into a freaking interview. I just wish it wasn't so hard for me, but I know there are worse things I could be dealing with so...whatever I guess.

My friend and I were hanging out today, and she was saying how it would be fun if us and my other friend got an apartment or something for a bit, just to try it out, living on our own, and I'm super excited and really hope that it happens. Cos the other friend and I have been planning it, but we weren't really thinking the first friend would want to move, but she does! at least for a bit :) So I need a decent ish job at least. And it would be fun, living with my friends and not having rules, decorating our way haha. I want it to happen. :)

Also, this is gonna be a super busy month for me, so I am SUPER hoping that my boss has me work more. I need 2 tickets for Warped tour on the 29th, one for my sister as her birthday present, and the other for me haha. I might ask my dad for that tho cos I really am broke. And my birthday is on the 18th. Not so fun but whatever. Leads up to better things like the 21st! My friend is having a birthday party for me! I'm excited. Then the 22nd is FALL OUT BOY!!!! :D <3 I think I might cry. And the 25th, my family is going to see Josh Turner, and my step mom has VIP tickets so that's cool.

So yeah. That's about the only cool things in my life, and then the whole anxiety came back bull crap. It was a nice 2 days tho, not being as worried about things, not having that horrible "everyone hates me, every one's looking at me, every one's watching me" thing. A very good 2 days.

Alrighty well, have a good one, and thanks for reading!

I deserve all the junk food I ate today I think.

Gonna try to keep this short. So lately, I've been working at my brothers' girlfriends' mom's daycare. Haha mouthful. But I like it, and I like the kids still even tho it's been two weeks of tantrums and poopy, snotty, dirty kids. :) They just are cute and say and do the sweetest and funniest things. :) Sometimes.

Anyway, payday was today, and my boss wrote us checks. I'm used to a big corporation that just sends out printed checks that I make family cash for me, so I panicked and thought I couldn't cash that, because I don't have a bank account. I have been way too scared to go get one. I'm almost 22, and have been working since 17, and still didn't have one. Until today! I had a short panic, and then, I decided to go after work to get an account, and not let anxiety and nerves get to me. 

I've already been driving LOADS now, not as scared as I used to be of it. (It's out of necessity tho, which was good for me I think. It MADE me drive more that way. The center is a town over, and I go on a busy road :]) And then today, I walked in to the bank and got an account. Granted, my mom had to come with me to keep me calm and do SOME of the talking. (Not all of it like I had planned tho, I did pretty good.) But still. She has been telling me for years to get one, and today I decided I wasn't having any of my anxiety's bullshit. I had a good day when it came to that. I ordered my own food. I paid for my Wal-Mart stuff. I tried on a shirt (that I ended up hating) I drove on main roads. I got a fucking bank account and talked to the fucking bank lady. I did it.

I hope I can keep this up. I love feeling like this. I still was nervous and got a sick feeling when it came time to do all this, nerves getting me for sure. But once it was done and I drove all over town and all sorts of shit I normally beg others to do, I felt really decent. I needed a day like today. I'm very thankful I had it. Even tho I got a sunburn. Taking sunscreen to work next time for sure. 

Song of the day is Sunburn by Muse. I feel like I might have done this song before, maybe not on here tho. (But maybe on here. Sorry if it's a repeat. Listen to it anyway, it's that good.) Alrighty well. Have a good one! <3

PS I was just reading this over for major spelling and grammar errors, and I saw that the song of the day is Sunburn, on the day that I got one. I didn't plan that, but it's funny cos once I got off work, I wanted to hear that song, even tho I wasn't even thinking about my actual burn yet haha.