Sort of a ranty journal entry ish type thing so you can skip it :)

Hello, it's been a bit. But I just really haven't felt much like writing. I dunno. I have been having a hard time with things lately, especially like, bad thoughts I guess. But I talked to a good friend yesterday, and she has sort of the same anxiety issues that I do. So for one, I was glad to know I am not alone, and that I'm not going insane. We kept bringing up things we worried about or thought about a lot, and then the other would say "Me too!" and it was just nice to hear that I am not alone in this. 
It has been really bad though. Like, I'm 21, and I feel like I'm a super hormonal, whiny teenager again. I went through this when I was 12-15 too, but I think that just comes with the age. Anxiety freaking sucks. If you don't have it, feel so blessed. It's awful. I literally cannot live a normal life. I want a job. I want to go places and not feel panicked and feel like everyone's staring at me. I want to be able to make phone calls. I want to order my own food. I don't do that often. In fact, last night I skipped dinner with my friends because they went to Subway and I couldn't bring myself to even go order a drink. I do ok just being in public, as long as I don't feel like people are looking at me a lot, or if I'm in a group of people I'm fine.
It sucks, and my family doesn't understand at all. My dad and brother just tell me I'm being lazy and don't want to find a job, and that I need to grow up. But they don't realize that I WANT A JOB. I want money, I hate not having money to pay my bills. I'm using my tax refund to make sure I keep up on rent and insurance and have been in a slight panic for MONTHS about what's going to happen when I run out of money. 
I just wish I could be a normal, outgoing person, who can make friends with anyone and not be terrified at the thought of having to deal with customers or whatever. I can't even go into a place and ask for an application. And I stress over the thought of an interview, which I know most people do, but, like, I lose sleep over things like that. I can't look people in the eye while talking unless I know them well. People think I'm a bitch when they meet me because I hardly talk and am quiet. My friends now have told me, that that is what they thought when they first met me. And of course, eventually I got used to them and I was talking and joking and stuff, but I hate knowing that people think I'm mean. I try so hard to be nice and polite. And I always think I'm doing a good job of it, but I guess I'm not. 
Anyway, I realized last night while talking to my friend, that I am not alone in feeling like this. And she's there if I want to talk. I really hate talking about feelings. In fact, this blog is the only place I have ever spilled my guts about things and I'm holding a lot back. But she's there if I need. And then today I was like, I don't wanna just be done with life, because my mom loves me. And she tries to understand and make me feel better, even tho she really doesn't know what's going on cause I don't tell her. But she tries. And I know my dad and siblings care about me, otherwise I wouldn't have a roof over my head and my siblings would just not talk to me. And I have my super amazing friend who bought me a Fall Out Boy ticket because she knows I love them, and she knows how I feel. And I have 2 other really great fantastic friends who come to get me from my house and get me out for a bit. I don't really tell them about things because they have loads of other stuff going and I don't wanna bother them, but I know they would be there if I needed. 
So I realized all of that, and how lucky I really am, and I really am trying to not let the crappy 'fuck my life' thoughts in because it's not a fuck my life thing. I have some sort of mental thing and it's making me feel crap, but other than that my life is pretty good. And I am lucky. And so grateful for my people.
So yeah that's just my little story of the month. I really just wanted to get this out of me, and I don't want to just stick it in a document where I will delete it. I want it to be somewhere where I can come and see it a lot and remember. So, I know I don't get many readers, but if you do read my things, thank you :) I would just like to ask, if you have had anxiety problems, especially social ones, cos that's where mine's just getting worse and worse, what have you done to help it? Besides medicine anyway, cos I can't afford a doctor hahaha. Nor do I wanna go to one :)) 
Ok well, that's all. I'm being distracted by Doctor Who right now. I'm gonna miss the new episode later today because I am going to the Color Fest, but I'm sure it will be on later :) Bye for now :)

Quick little YouTube excitement.

So I was looking through my videos on YouTube today, which I have 11, and like 3 or 4 are monetized. (I just clicked it before I knew what it really was hahah.) But I was looking at things, and it said I had actually earned money from people watching. 2 cents. Which, I definitely know isn't a lot at all, but still. I earned something off of content that I came up with, filmed, edited, and posted. Like, that 2 cents means so much to me and I don't even know why. I don't get many viewers at all, and I didn't expect to. I just vlog about my life, so I can remember things myself, and so that I could try to work on being so shy. I figured that if I could put myself on the internet, on a site that MILLIONS of people go to, then I should be able to not be so damn shy in front of one stranger. (That hasn't gone well at all, I am still quite shy.)

But anyway, yeah. That's my days excitement. My life has been basically the same since my last post, which kinda sucks cos that means I still feel kinda sad and lonely and whatever else junk I am feeling.

BUT!!! My cousin, who is the mother of my goddaughter, told me yesterday that her husband wants to come down this weekend and look for a place DOWN HERE!!! I could, possibly, be seeing my goddaughter EVERY DAY rather than just at Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, and her birthday in September. She is an entirely different baby every time I see her, so it will be nice to see her more if they do move down. I really hope they do.

I'm not even joking, she's so huge now. And I only saw her twice while she was still kinda small. They got her when she was a month old, and I met her a few weeks after that at Thanksgiving. Ahhh I just really hope that works out. I'm trying not to hope too much, cos I'm superstitious about things like that, but I can't help it. :)

This turned out loads longer than I wanted it too ahhaha. Anyway, till next time, have a good one!! <333

PS if anyone who reads this is going to Playlist Live this weekend, just know I AM SO JEALOUS. :) If you meet Phil, tell him I think he's awesome and that he should come meet me and we can get married and whatever :)) 

little update on things, mostly a rant.

So I got a new job at a gas station, which is what I thought I would love. Maybe I'm just really overwhelmed with all I had to learn yesterday, and all the people I had to deal with, but I REALLY hated it. It got to 10 last night and all I wanted to do was go home, and it was all I could do not to cry. Two of the ladies I work with were really nice and helpful, but the lady who trained me was sort of snippy and didnt show me as much as tell me what to do and have me do it. I just was a mess yesterday and couldn't remember anything. I already wanna quit, and I know people think I'm just lazy, but I put up with pure shit at my last job for 4 1/2 years, i know I'm not just being a whiner. It was awful.

I think a lot of it might be my anxiety. All that job is, is cleaning, and then helping people, talking to people. I don't mind the cleaning, so I did a lot of it last night. But the dealing with people bit was horrifying. Everyone that came in is used to chatty, bubbly people helping them, and there I was, shaking and quiet and awkward. Even some lady said "You're really quiet." in sort of a rude voice, even tho I was being really nice, and said hello and thank you to her. And the lady who was training me said I was too quiet, and it worries me. I know I'm not ever gonna be the outgoing type, (even tho I am a Gemini and my trait thing always says outgoing), but I wish I could just not be so nervous.

I know, I know, everyone has been saying "It was your first day! It will get better!" But I really don't know. I'm already overwhelmed and I can't remember anything I learned, and the thought of going back there is making me so nervous that I'm about to throw up. It's awful.

Anyway, I was talking to my dad about it all, and about how I wanna maybe start looking into online school, and I was just joking around with my sister, who is currently in school. She was doing an assignment and I was like "I'm never going to school. Too hard." And everyone laughed for a minute but then my step-mom said "Life is hard." I dunno about you, but I HATE hearing that. Why would you tell people that. They might already be struggling with things, and you're saying life is hard? Yes, I definitely want to live now, knowing that it's just gonna be hard and shitty forever. That's just what I need to hear.

I like it better when people say that things get better, and it's all worth it. But lately all I hear is how hard life is, and that you just work your life away and then die. That's not fun to me. What about that is worth it. I dunno, I think I have just been having a rough time with things lately. I am really dreading work hahaha. My dad would kill me if I quit tho, even tho it's only two days a week.

On my next day off, I'm gonna go look for jobs. I might just get back into pizza. I know how to do that, and it won't be as overwhelming. I dunno.

I can't really think of any other update-ey things. I am now addicted to Cafe Rio, thanks to my friends mom. No joke all I want is a chicken salad from there hahaha. I've been working on my writing a lot more lately, and one of my ideas is going well. I'm going to start scripting out another idea soon, that one of my friends wanted to make a movie out of but we just never got around to doing our parts haha. But I recently got back into contact with him so we'll see. :)

So yeah that's just my update and rant. :) have a good day. :) Talk to ya soon hopefully. :)