Hello, it's been a bit. But I just really haven't felt much like writing. I dunno. I have been having a hard time with things lately, especially like, bad thoughts I guess. But I talked to a good friend yesterday, and she has sort of the same anxiety issues that I do. So for one, I was glad to know I am not alone, and that I'm not going insane. We kept bringing up things we worried about or thought about a lot, and then the other would say "Me too!" and it was just nice to hear that I am not alone in this.
It has been really bad though. Like, I'm 21, and I feel like I'm a super hormonal, whiny teenager again. I went through this when I was 12-15 too, but I think that just comes with the age. Anxiety freaking sucks. If you don't have it, feel so blessed. It's awful. I literally cannot live a normal life. I want a job. I want to go places and not feel panicked and feel like everyone's staring at me. I want to be able to make phone calls. I want to order my own food. I don't do that often. In fact, last night I skipped dinner with my friends because they went to Subway and I couldn't bring myself to even go order a drink. I do ok just being in public, as long as I don't feel like people are looking at me a lot, or if I'm in a group of people I'm fine.
It sucks, and my family doesn't understand at all. My dad and brother just tell me I'm being lazy and don't want to find a job, and that I need to grow up. But they don't realize that I WANT A JOB. I want money, I hate not having money to pay my bills. I'm using my tax refund to make sure I keep up on rent and insurance and have been in a slight panic for MONTHS about what's going to happen when I run out of money.
I just wish I could be a normal, outgoing person, who can make friends with anyone and not be terrified at the thought of having to deal with customers or whatever. I can't even go into a place and ask for an application. And I stress over the thought of an interview, which I know most people do, but, like, I lose sleep over things like that. I can't look people in the eye while talking unless I know them well. People think I'm a bitch when they meet me because I hardly talk and am quiet. My friends now have told me, that that is what they thought when they first met me. And of course, eventually I got used to them and I was talking and joking and stuff, but I hate knowing that people think I'm mean. I try so hard to be nice and polite. And I always think I'm doing a good job of it, but I guess I'm not.
Anyway, I realized last night while talking to my friend, that I am not alone in feeling like this. And she's there if I want to talk. I really hate talking about feelings. In fact, this blog is the only place I have ever spilled my guts about things and I'm holding a lot back. But she's there if I need. And then today I was like, I don't wanna just be done with life, because my mom loves me. And she tries to understand and make me feel better, even tho she really doesn't know what's going on cause I don't tell her. But she tries. And I know my dad and siblings care about me, otherwise I wouldn't have a roof over my head and my siblings would just not talk to me. And I have my super amazing friend who bought me a Fall Out Boy ticket because she knows I love them, and she knows how I feel. And I have 2 other really great fantastic friends who come to get me from my house and get me out for a bit. I don't really tell them about things because they have loads of other stuff going and I don't wanna bother them, but I know they would be there if I needed.
So I realized all of that, and how lucky I really am, and I really am trying to not let the crappy 'fuck my life' thoughts in because it's not a fuck my life thing. I have some sort of mental thing and it's making me feel crap, but other than that my life is pretty good. And I am lucky. And so grateful for my people.
So yeah that's just my little story of the month. I really just wanted to get this out of me, and I don't want to just stick it in a document where I will delete it. I want it to be somewhere where I can come and see it a lot and remember. So, I know I don't get many readers, but if you do read my things, thank you :) I would just like to ask, if you have had anxiety problems, especially social ones, cos that's where mine's just getting worse and worse, what have you done to help it? Besides medicine anyway, cos I can't afford a doctor hahaha. Nor do I wanna go to one :))
Ok well, that's all. I'm being distracted by Doctor Who right now. I'm gonna miss the new episode later today because I am going to the Color Fest, but I'm sure it will be on later :) Bye for now :)
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