Ever since I learned to write, I've been writing stories. Short ones that I wrote as a kid and was mortified to hear my mom reading to an aunt over the phone. Long ones that I LITERALLY spent all of my after school hours (including the ones I should have been sleeping) working on from jr. high clear through high school. I've even dabbled in free lance poems from time to time because I think they're a great way to write hilarious things. I just love writing things that come to my brain.
And a lot of things do. I, at 24 years old, still have a crazy imagination. There was a period about a year ago where for about 6 months, I felt like it was gone. I was panicked about it. But i stopped going online so much, got back into reading and imagining my own worlds, slowly picked up writing again, and it was back.
And i got another idea for a book one day, while walking into Walmart with my friends and noticing an odd shaped cloud above a mountain behind us. And I kept thinking about weird things about that cloud as we walked through the store, me, as usual, not paying attention to what the other two were chatting on about, lost in my own thoughts.
So when I got home, I got straight to writing. And I finished an entire book. (I mean, there was a few months, maybe even a year in betwee,n but still). Never in my life had I done that before. I can't even remember the exact date I finished, (if I went through my twitter feed, I'm sure I could find it because I was very excited and tweeted about it.) But I know I was super excited and told people because it was such a huge thing for me.
I am the LEAST organized writer ever, if you can't tell from this. I jump around a lot. And when writing, I normally don't plot things out or even write down characters and stuff. (Which I'm regretting huge now.) I just write. It's there, it has to come out. I have gone to work or school with an hour or less of sleep because I HAVE to keep writing. I don't have the time to organize things out properly. (My mom has decided I probably have some sort of attention disorder.)
So when I actually finished this book, and noticed that I DID, in fact, have the ending thought of before hand and even some plot points written down in a folder titled "Story 5 ideas", I was super excited. And I'm realizing it's a lot easier than I thought to just jot down what I want to have happen and fill in details as it goes. I have probably 10 or more unfinished stories right now. Also the sequel for the one I did finish has no end right now, but i know I need to write it. Imagine how much farther along I'd be if I had just followed through on thinking and planning. Ah, it stresses me so haha.
Anyway, I am in a panic lately because I lost my job (due to car problems, but of fucking course I still lost the damn job.) and finding a new one has sent me into full blown panic/anxiety mode, which I hate. I'm still praying for some miracle job that I don't have to stress to get lol.
But I started looking at all these notebooks from Jr. High and high school that I have in piles around my room and in drawers (and 5 are stuffed under my mattress for some reason?), and the loads of documents saved onto my computer, all full of words I have poured hours of time, tears, laughter, and heart into that are just sitting. Doing nothing but being something for me to look at when I'm bored and feeling nostalgic.
And I have always wanted to WRITE, but I wasn't thinking that could be a job, and I'm not gonna count on it ever being a job for me. But I decided today that I really want to try. I want to be published. I want the thing that I have spent most of my life loving and doing to actually mean something.
The thought of someone reading my stuff scares the hell out of me because honestly, I don't think I'm that great of a writer. I know for sure I will be in the young adult category. That's what I know to write. That's what I like. I just don't know if I'm any good at it.
I dunno. It seems weird that getting published is a goal. In fact, making an actual career of writing is like, my dream. And I know so many people write and don't get much of anywhere with it. And that's why I want to start with a small goal. I just want my stories out there. They're entertaining to me, maybe they'll get someone else through a few hours of boredom.
I don't even know where to start. And there's also the whole "I need to find an actual paying job because bills and holy fuck Christmas is coming." panic that I keep getting and that's really blocked my brain right now.
I dunno. For the first time in my life, I have a GOAL. A goal that isn't "Get married and have kids and be a stay at home mom" (Which by the way, is going really bad so if you know a single guy who's 23-30 and he's wanting to date someone and isn't picky, lemme know hahaha).
I know sooooo many people dream of being the next big author, or even just being able to make a living off of it. And I guess that could be part of my goal. Or maybe my next goal if I ever reach my first goal of getting published. And I know it doesn't happen for most people and that makes me sad but also it's good to know going into it what might happen. I dunno.
This has all come out really unorganized and hard to read. I swear my actual writing isn't like this. It's really hard for me to write out my own thoughts, but when I'm writing someone else's, it's like it's not even me writing. It's just my hands doing the work and my brains on auto-pilot. Which I love. I love having my thoughts off for a bit and just escaping my life to hang out in someone else's.
This was supposed to just be me saying I wanna be a published author but it's turned into a mess. I'm blaming lack of sleep on this one. Anyway. I have a goal. I don't know how or when or even how to get started accomplishing this one, but I have it in place at least.
Well, I'm done spewing out my own thoughts. I feel better for now. Wish me luck on things, i DEFINITELY need it, even if it's just good vibes for a job.
Friday, November 6, 2015
Saturday, October 3, 2015
Growing Up
As much as i HATE to admit it, I am 24 years old. OLD. I mean, yeah, that's not THAT old. But nothing is the same as it used to be and it sucks.
I supposed that's just part of life, aging and getting more responsibilities and being a regular human changes things. I just am not adjusting very well to it.
First off is the actual idea that I am no longer a teenager. I cannot believe how quickly the years have passed since i turned 18. Especially from 20 on though, these last 4 years have gone so quickly. It's just a lot of emotions and thoughts and crap hitting all at once. I am not a teenager anymore, yet nothing with my actual self has really changed. I still live at home. I have my own car and pay my phone and insurance and food (because who the hell can afford to move out anymore omg). But other than that, it feels like I'm still meant to be younger, so maybe that's why I'm having such a hard time adjusting.
I also realized recently that I realllly messed up my teen years. I only had one friend (because she didn't like the idea of me having other friends) and it really sucked. I didn't go to school dances. I never got that fun (maybe fun? I don't know) experience of dress shopping for prom, or being asked to homecoming. Boys didn't pay attention to me. And I just had the one friend so I had no group to go with on my own. I missed out on that. I will never get that back.
I try to tell my youngest sister (who is a junior this year) all the time to take advantage of high school while she can. My biggest regrets right now pretty much focus on not living it up while I could. I missed out on so much. I feel like I can't grow past it, I'm stuck with teenage brain because I am so pissed that I missed out on fun things.
At 24, I don't NEED to sneak out a window to meet up with friends. Alcohol is legal for me now. I don't have a curfew to break. I don't get to do those fun things that that the teenagers in the books I still read get to do.
I dunno. I want to "grow up". But at the same time I'm scared I'll lose the only things I like about myself, which is the small amount of humor I posses (Yes, I laugh at my own jokes.), and my creativity, which I feel goes away more, the more adult I try to act.
I'm just not ready for it. There should be a test at 18 that you take to decide if you're an adult or not. I am a million percent sure I would not be yet.
I feel stuck about it. My friends that I have now, the whole 2 of em (hahahahah :/) are growing and getting older too. (I'm the oldest of us lol.) This past year it's been really bad.
Friend A and friend B, we'll call them, just in case they ever see this (and if you guys do, number one, wtf how did you find this hahaha and two, I am sorry, but this is the freaking truth, Friend A).
Friend A and I got really close I'd say, maybe 2 years ago. I considered her my best friend EVER. She would invite me to everything; family things, weddings she was going to, going to the club with her boyfriend and his friends, all sorts of fun things. And I LOVED it. I was happy. I felt like I had THAT friend, that best friend all the teenage books I still read go on and on about having. For the first time since I was a kid, I had that.
Friend B was (and is still) a very close and marvelous and wonderful friend. Age never was a deal (even though i was 20 and she was 17 when we met hahaha) but she's religious, and I'm not, and I like to drink and swear and say horrible dirty things and I find it hilarious. So we just really differ there. And Friend A, well she doesn't swear but she liked drinkin' and partyin' and having a good ol' time as much as I did. So it just made sense that we were closer I guess.
Last summer, Friend A was single for the first time in our friendship. For a whole 2, glorious months, she was single and we were Single Ladies and it was summer and for the first time i actually liked summer!?!? Things were so fun and great and then August came and Friend A got a new boyfriend (and I am to blame for it happening so soon, I think, because I told her to go talk to the guy. He came to me first to say he liked her though and we all know, when I'm drunk, like 90% of the time, I try to make everyone happy and "help". I'm sure they would have started dating eventually, but I shouldn't have helped it along so soon).
And things changed. SO FUCKING FAST they changed. Friend B and I went to Friend A's softball game, and friend A ignored us and then later claimed it was because she didn't see us when she had, for sure, looked over to us a few times. We used to hang out AT LEAST once a week, if not more. And Friend A stopped hanging out as much, stopped planning things, started canceling plans if she did plan something. The lowest blow was possibly the time we planned going to SLC to look at the temple Christmas lights for A MONTH. We'd planned the day that worked for all of us, a Saturday. And then the whole way up there, Friend A seemed upset, and as we pass Energy Solutions Arena, she tells us she wished she had gone with her boyfriend to the Jazz game they'd been invited to the night before, instead of with us.
That was the first time I'd EVER been so mad at her. And shit just continued from there. And she's just been worse and worse. And the WORST part is, her boyfriend is a COMPLETE dick, treats her like shit, cheats on her, and she KNOWS IT and stays with him and we can't talk to her about it because she just blocks us out and the one time she did open up, she said she regretted it because "we thought he was a bad guy now." Which, we already did, Friend A. We haven't liked him for A LONG TIME. (You shouldn't change your whole personality because of a guy, just saying.)
Anyway, that's where it's at now. I feel like I have no one. Friend B is still there and great and amazing, but she has other friends, and her own best friends, and apparently I am a lot more needy than I thought because I hate that she doesn't text me very often, and I hate that she doesn't fill me in on her life, and I hate that I don't feel like I can tell her everything, no holding back. And I hate that, because she IS such a good friend. I just know that she has other people, best friends that aren't me, and I guess I'm selfish and don't handle that right. I want my OWN best friend.
I want one like in those goddamn teenage books, one I can call at any time, one that i just drive around and drink sodas with, one that tells me everything and I tell her everything, one that's like "Oh, you like that kid? Well I am gonna talk to him and introduce you!! And if he's a jerk, I'll key his car!"
I want a friend that I can think of things to say too, and not feel like I'm annoying her. Which is how it feels now, I can't ever think of good things to say, and maybe a lot of that is anxiety (and some guy on reddit has diagnosed me with autism because I like dogs so who knows), but I also just think I know these girls well enough to know I can't just randomly text them some weird link and have them be excited about it. I've done it before. They had no enthusiasm about it hahaha.
I dunno. I want a friend who's like ME and I dunno if I'll ever get that, especially where I'm fucking old now, and it's apparently time to grow up and get a job and get married and pop out 50 kids within 10 years and buy a house and go into debt and drive a mini van. I think I'm the only 24 year old in my town who ISN'T doing any of that.
I regret not being young while I had the chance SO MUCH. Like, if I could go back to being 16, I WOULD. IN A HEARTBEAT. I wouldn't let Ashlie tell me not to hang out with other people (And yeah, you get your real name used because you and our stupid boss at the time/your nasty ass 30 year old boyfriend RUINED graduation for me). I would find people to go to dances with. I would sneak out and drive around with friends with music blasting and skip school (well...maybe not as much as I already did lololol) and have FUN. Instead of what I did.
And I get that it's the past and I need to let it go (and now that song is in my head) and grow the fuck up and whatever but you know what? This is my blog and if you think I'm ridiculous and immature, you are goddamn right, but also you can just leave hahaha.
This has turned into a massive journal-y post and I didn't intend for that to happen, but it did. Sorry. I don't think anyone even reads these anyway, so that's fine. But if you do, and you're under 18, PLEASE listen to me when I say to take advantage of it. I know it's like, the cool tumblr thing right now to not have friends and be a sassy little loner and to skip all the high school stuff and generally hate being a teenager that has to go to high school. But I am telling you, being an adult, is a MILLION times worse, and people don't let you have the excuse of being young.
Get some friends, party it up (and by that, I mean don't drink until you're 21 and do your homework), go to football games and basketball games and be stupid and young. Drive around wasting gas at 1 am. Get giant ass cups of soda the the 7-11 because that's the only place open that isn't Walmart. Go to Walmart and look at random stuff. (I live in a smaller town, sorry I don't know what city kids do for fun, go do that.) Just enjoy it while you can.
And I guess I'll just have to grow up and be lame and slowly lose my best friends to life, and be sad about it. I dunno.
If anyone is like 24 ish and wants to be my immature best friend, hit me up hahaha.
Also does anyone else get RIDICULOUSLY SAD about New Years or is that just me? Auld Lang Syne (spelling?) came on my Christmas list and that song makes me SO SAD. Anyway. Bye. (ps it's 5 am so no, I am not going to edit my typos and spelling and grammar sooooooo.)
I supposed that's just part of life, aging and getting more responsibilities and being a regular human changes things. I just am not adjusting very well to it.
First off is the actual idea that I am no longer a teenager. I cannot believe how quickly the years have passed since i turned 18. Especially from 20 on though, these last 4 years have gone so quickly. It's just a lot of emotions and thoughts and crap hitting all at once. I am not a teenager anymore, yet nothing with my actual self has really changed. I still live at home. I have my own car and pay my phone and insurance and food (because who the hell can afford to move out anymore omg). But other than that, it feels like I'm still meant to be younger, so maybe that's why I'm having such a hard time adjusting.
I also realized recently that I realllly messed up my teen years. I only had one friend (because she didn't like the idea of me having other friends) and it really sucked. I didn't go to school dances. I never got that fun (maybe fun? I don't know) experience of dress shopping for prom, or being asked to homecoming. Boys didn't pay attention to me. And I just had the one friend so I had no group to go with on my own. I missed out on that. I will never get that back.
I try to tell my youngest sister (who is a junior this year) all the time to take advantage of high school while she can. My biggest regrets right now pretty much focus on not living it up while I could. I missed out on so much. I feel like I can't grow past it, I'm stuck with teenage brain because I am so pissed that I missed out on fun things.
At 24, I don't NEED to sneak out a window to meet up with friends. Alcohol is legal for me now. I don't have a curfew to break. I don't get to do those fun things that that the teenagers in the books I still read get to do.
I dunno. I want to "grow up". But at the same time I'm scared I'll lose the only things I like about myself, which is the small amount of humor I posses (Yes, I laugh at my own jokes.), and my creativity, which I feel goes away more, the more adult I try to act.
I'm just not ready for it. There should be a test at 18 that you take to decide if you're an adult or not. I am a million percent sure I would not be yet.
I feel stuck about it. My friends that I have now, the whole 2 of em (hahahahah :/) are growing and getting older too. (I'm the oldest of us lol.) This past year it's been really bad.
Friend A and friend B, we'll call them, just in case they ever see this (and if you guys do, number one, wtf how did you find this hahaha and two, I am sorry, but this is the freaking truth, Friend A).
Friend A and I got really close I'd say, maybe 2 years ago. I considered her my best friend EVER. She would invite me to everything; family things, weddings she was going to, going to the club with her boyfriend and his friends, all sorts of fun things. And I LOVED it. I was happy. I felt like I had THAT friend, that best friend all the teenage books I still read go on and on about having. For the first time since I was a kid, I had that.
Friend B was (and is still) a very close and marvelous and wonderful friend. Age never was a deal (even though i was 20 and she was 17 when we met hahaha) but she's religious, and I'm not, and I like to drink and swear and say horrible dirty things and I find it hilarious. So we just really differ there. And Friend A, well she doesn't swear but she liked drinkin' and partyin' and having a good ol' time as much as I did. So it just made sense that we were closer I guess.
Last summer, Friend A was single for the first time in our friendship. For a whole 2, glorious months, she was single and we were Single Ladies and it was summer and for the first time i actually liked summer!?!? Things were so fun and great and then August came and Friend A got a new boyfriend (and I am to blame for it happening so soon, I think, because I told her to go talk to the guy. He came to me first to say he liked her though and we all know, when I'm drunk, like 90% of the time, I try to make everyone happy and "help". I'm sure they would have started dating eventually, but I shouldn't have helped it along so soon).
And things changed. SO FUCKING FAST they changed. Friend B and I went to Friend A's softball game, and friend A ignored us and then later claimed it was because she didn't see us when she had, for sure, looked over to us a few times. We used to hang out AT LEAST once a week, if not more. And Friend A stopped hanging out as much, stopped planning things, started canceling plans if she did plan something. The lowest blow was possibly the time we planned going to SLC to look at the temple Christmas lights for A MONTH. We'd planned the day that worked for all of us, a Saturday. And then the whole way up there, Friend A seemed upset, and as we pass Energy Solutions Arena, she tells us she wished she had gone with her boyfriend to the Jazz game they'd been invited to the night before, instead of with us.
That was the first time I'd EVER been so mad at her. And shit just continued from there. And she's just been worse and worse. And the WORST part is, her boyfriend is a COMPLETE dick, treats her like shit, cheats on her, and she KNOWS IT and stays with him and we can't talk to her about it because she just blocks us out and the one time she did open up, she said she regretted it because "we thought he was a bad guy now." Which, we already did, Friend A. We haven't liked him for A LONG TIME. (You shouldn't change your whole personality because of a guy, just saying.)
Anyway, that's where it's at now. I feel like I have no one. Friend B is still there and great and amazing, but she has other friends, and her own best friends, and apparently I am a lot more needy than I thought because I hate that she doesn't text me very often, and I hate that she doesn't fill me in on her life, and I hate that I don't feel like I can tell her everything, no holding back. And I hate that, because she IS such a good friend. I just know that she has other people, best friends that aren't me, and I guess I'm selfish and don't handle that right. I want my OWN best friend.
I want one like in those goddamn teenage books, one I can call at any time, one that i just drive around and drink sodas with, one that tells me everything and I tell her everything, one that's like "Oh, you like that kid? Well I am gonna talk to him and introduce you!! And if he's a jerk, I'll key his car!"
I want a friend that I can think of things to say too, and not feel like I'm annoying her. Which is how it feels now, I can't ever think of good things to say, and maybe a lot of that is anxiety (and some guy on reddit has diagnosed me with autism because I like dogs so who knows), but I also just think I know these girls well enough to know I can't just randomly text them some weird link and have them be excited about it. I've done it before. They had no enthusiasm about it hahaha.
I dunno. I want a friend who's like ME and I dunno if I'll ever get that, especially where I'm fucking old now, and it's apparently time to grow up and get a job and get married and pop out 50 kids within 10 years and buy a house and go into debt and drive a mini van. I think I'm the only 24 year old in my town who ISN'T doing any of that.
I regret not being young while I had the chance SO MUCH. Like, if I could go back to being 16, I WOULD. IN A HEARTBEAT. I wouldn't let Ashlie tell me not to hang out with other people (And yeah, you get your real name used because you and our stupid boss at the time/your nasty ass 30 year old boyfriend RUINED graduation for me). I would find people to go to dances with. I would sneak out and drive around with friends with music blasting and skip school (well...maybe not as much as I already did lololol) and have FUN. Instead of what I did.
And I get that it's the past and I need to let it go (and now that song is in my head) and grow the fuck up and whatever but you know what? This is my blog and if you think I'm ridiculous and immature, you are goddamn right, but also you can just leave hahaha.
This has turned into a massive journal-y post and I didn't intend for that to happen, but it did. Sorry. I don't think anyone even reads these anyway, so that's fine. But if you do, and you're under 18, PLEASE listen to me when I say to take advantage of it. I know it's like, the cool tumblr thing right now to not have friends and be a sassy little loner and to skip all the high school stuff and generally hate being a teenager that has to go to high school. But I am telling you, being an adult, is a MILLION times worse, and people don't let you have the excuse of being young.
Get some friends, party it up (and by that, I mean don't drink until you're 21 and do your homework), go to football games and basketball games and be stupid and young. Drive around wasting gas at 1 am. Get giant ass cups of soda the the 7-11 because that's the only place open that isn't Walmart. Go to Walmart and look at random stuff. (I live in a smaller town, sorry I don't know what city kids do for fun, go do that.) Just enjoy it while you can.
And I guess I'll just have to grow up and be lame and slowly lose my best friends to life, and be sad about it. I dunno.
If anyone is like 24 ish and wants to be my immature best friend, hit me up hahaha.
Also does anyone else get RIDICULOUSLY SAD about New Years or is that just me? Auld Lang Syne (spelling?) came on my Christmas list and that song makes me SO SAD. Anyway. Bye. (ps it's 5 am so no, I am not going to edit my typos and spelling and grammar sooooooo.)
Sunday, February 22, 2015
Yo people still allowed to buy Cadbury
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