Growing Up

As much as i HATE to admit it, I am 24 years old. OLD. I mean, yeah, that's not THAT old. But nothing is the same as it used to be and it sucks. 

I supposed that's just part of life, aging and getting more responsibilities and being a regular human changes things. I just am not adjusting very well to it. 

First off is the actual idea that I am no longer a teenager. I cannot believe how quickly the years have passed since i turned 18. Especially from 20 on though, these last 4 years have gone so quickly. It's just a lot of emotions and thoughts and crap hitting all at once. I am not a teenager anymore, yet nothing with my actual self has really changed. I still live at home. I have my own car and pay my phone and insurance and food (because who the hell can afford to move out anymore omg). But other than that, it feels like I'm still meant to be younger, so maybe that's why I'm having such a hard time adjusting. 

I also realized recently that I realllly messed up my teen years. I only had one friend (because she didn't like the idea of me having other friends) and it really sucked. I didn't go to school dances. I never got that fun (maybe fun? I don't know) experience of dress shopping for prom, or being asked to homecoming. Boys didn't pay attention to me. And I just had the one friend so I had no group to go with on my own. I missed out on that. I will never get that back. 

I try to tell my youngest sister (who is a junior this year) all the time to take advantage of high school while she can. My biggest regrets right now pretty much focus on not living it up while I could. I missed out on so much. I feel like I can't grow past it, I'm stuck with teenage brain because I am so pissed that I missed out on fun things. 

At 24, I don't NEED to sneak out a window to meet up with friends. Alcohol is legal for me now. I don't have a curfew to break. I don't get to do those fun things that that the teenagers in the books I still read get to do. 

I dunno. I want to "grow up". But at the same time I'm scared I'll lose the only things I like about myself, which is the small amount of humor I posses (Yes, I laugh at my own jokes.), and my creativity, which I feel goes away more, the more adult I try to act. 

I'm just not ready for it. There should be a test at 18 that you take to decide if you're an adult or not. I am a million percent sure I would not be yet. 

I feel stuck about it. My friends that I have now, the whole 2 of em (hahahahah :/) are growing and getting older too. (I'm the oldest of us lol.) This past year it's been really bad. 

Friend A and friend B, we'll call them, just in case they ever see this (and if you guys do, number one, wtf how did you find this hahaha and two, I am sorry, but this is the freaking truth, Friend A). 

Friend A and I got really close I'd say, maybe 2 years ago. I considered her my best friend EVER. She would invite me to everything; family things, weddings she was going to, going to the club with her boyfriend and his friends, all sorts of fun things. And I LOVED it. I was happy. I felt like I had THAT friend, that best friend all the teenage books I still read go on and on about having. For the first time since I was a kid, I had that. 

Friend B was (and is still) a very close and marvelous and wonderful friend. Age never was a deal (even though i was 20 and she was 17 when we met hahaha) but she's religious, and I'm not, and I like to drink and swear and say horrible dirty things and I find it hilarious. So we just really differ there. And Friend A, well she doesn't swear but she liked drinkin' and partyin' and having a good ol' time as much as I did. So it just made sense that we were closer I guess. 

Last summer, Friend A was single for the first time in our friendship. For a whole 2, glorious months, she was single and we were Single Ladies and it was summer and for the first time i actually liked summer!?!? Things were so fun and great and then August came and Friend A got a new boyfriend (and I am to blame for it happening so soon, I think, because I told her to go talk to the guy. He came to me first to say he liked her though and we all know, when I'm drunk, like 90% of the time, I try to make everyone happy and "help". I'm sure they would have started dating eventually, but I shouldn't have helped it along so soon). 

And things changed. SO FUCKING FAST they changed. Friend B and I went to Friend A's softball game, and friend A ignored us and then later claimed it was because she didn't see us when she had, for sure, looked over to us a few times. We used to hang out AT LEAST once a week, if not more. And Friend A stopped hanging out as much, stopped planning things, started canceling plans if she did plan something. The lowest blow was possibly the time we planned going to SLC to look at the temple Christmas lights for A MONTH. We'd planned the day that worked for all of us, a Saturday. And then the whole way up there, Friend A seemed upset, and as we pass Energy Solutions Arena, she tells us she wished she had gone with her boyfriend to the Jazz game they'd been invited to the night before, instead of with us. 

That was the first time I'd EVER been so mad at her. And shit just continued from there. And she's just been worse and worse. And the WORST part is, her boyfriend is a COMPLETE dick, treats her like shit, cheats on her, and she KNOWS IT and stays with him and we can't talk to her about it because she just blocks us out and the one time she did open up, she said she regretted it because "we thought he was a bad guy now." Which, we already did, Friend A. We haven't liked him for A LONG TIME. (You shouldn't change your whole personality because of a guy, just saying.) 

Anyway, that's where it's at now. I feel like I have no one. Friend B is still there and great and amazing, but she has other friends, and her own best friends, and apparently I am a lot more needy than I thought because I hate that she doesn't text me very often, and I hate that she doesn't fill me in on her life, and I hate that I don't feel like I can tell her everything, no holding back. And I hate that, because she IS such a good friend. I just know that she has other people, best friends that aren't me, and I guess I'm selfish and don't handle that right. I want my OWN best friend. 

I want one like in those goddamn teenage books, one I can call at any time, one that i just drive around and drink sodas with, one that tells me everything and I tell her everything, one that's like "Oh, you like that kid? Well I am gonna talk to him and introduce you!! And if he's a jerk, I'll key his car!" 

I want a friend that I can think of things to say too, and not feel like I'm annoying her. Which is how it feels now, I can't ever think of good things to say, and maybe a lot of that is anxiety (and some guy on reddit has diagnosed me with autism because I like dogs so who knows), but I also just think I know these girls well enough to know I can't just randomly text them some weird link and have them be excited about it. I've done it before. They had no enthusiasm about it hahaha. 

I dunno. I want a friend who's like ME and I dunno if I'll ever get that, especially where I'm fucking old now, and it's apparently time to grow up and get a job and get married and pop out 50 kids within 10 years and buy a house and go into debt and drive a mini van. I think I'm the only 24 year old in my town who ISN'T doing any of that. 

I regret not being young while I had the chance SO MUCH. Like, if I could go back to being 16, I WOULD. IN A HEARTBEAT. I wouldn't let Ashlie tell me not to hang out with other people (And yeah, you get your real name used because you and our stupid boss at the time/your nasty ass 30 year old boyfriend RUINED graduation for me). I would find people to go to dances with. I would sneak out and drive around with friends with music blasting and skip school (well...maybe not as much as I already did lololol) and have FUN. Instead of what I did. 

And I get that it's the past and I need to let it go (and now that song is in my head) and grow the fuck up and whatever but you know what? This is my blog and if you think I'm ridiculous and immature, you are goddamn right, but also you can just leave hahaha. 

This has turned into a massive journal-y post and I didn't intend for that to happen, but it did. Sorry. I don't think anyone even reads these anyway, so that's fine. But if you do, and you're under 18, PLEASE listen to me when I say to take advantage of it. I know it's like, the cool tumblr thing right now to not have friends and be a sassy little loner and to skip all the high school stuff and generally hate being a teenager that has to go to high school. But I am telling you, being an adult, is a MILLION times worse, and people don't let you have the excuse of being young. 

Get some friends, party it up (and by that, I mean don't drink until you're 21 and do your homework), go to football games and basketball games and be stupid and young. Drive around wasting gas at 1 am. Get giant ass cups of soda the the 7-11 because that's the only place open that isn't Walmart. Go to Walmart and look at random stuff. (I live in a smaller town, sorry I don't know what city kids do for fun, go do that.) Just enjoy it while you can. 

And I guess I'll just have to grow up and be lame and slowly lose my best friends to life, and be sad about it. I dunno. 

If anyone is like 24 ish and wants to be my immature best friend, hit me up hahaha. 

Also does anyone else get RIDICULOUSLY SAD about New Years or is that just me? Auld Lang Syne (spelling?) came on my Christmas list and that song makes me SO SAD. Anyway. Bye. (ps it's 5 am so no, I am not going to edit my typos and spelling and grammar sooooooo.)