Update on my life and whatnot.

So, long time, no...type. haha. It's ok, i haven't sat in front of a camera and filmed since December so I'm doing better here.

Mostly I just want to talk about what's gone on lately with me. I have gone back to having pretty bad anxiety days, but I am just trying to push through it. It's hard tho. Really hard. I have to find a new job, cos for one, this one doesn't pay enough at all, I still had to borrow money from my dad to pay my insurance yesterday, and for two, my boss is gonna move anyway and they are closing the daycare. (Which, I had to hear from my little brother, who is dating my boss's daughter. I guess my boss didn't want to tell us yet, even tho we could be finding different jobs but whatever.) Anyway, I'm in a bit of a panic about it, cos I am freaking horrible at applying for jobs, let alone going into a freaking interview. I just wish it wasn't so hard for me, but I know there are worse things I could be dealing with so...whatever I guess.

My friend and I were hanging out today, and she was saying how it would be fun if us and my other friend got an apartment or something for a bit, just to try it out, living on our own, and I'm super excited and really hope that it happens. Cos the other friend and I have been planning it, but we weren't really thinking the first friend would want to move, but she does! at least for a bit :) So I need a decent ish job at least. And it would be fun, living with my friends and not having rules, decorating our way haha. I want it to happen. :)

Also, this is gonna be a super busy month for me, so I am SUPER hoping that my boss has me work more. I need 2 tickets for Warped tour on the 29th, one for my sister as her birthday present, and the other for me haha. I might ask my dad for that tho cos I really am broke. And my birthday is on the 18th. Not so fun but whatever. Leads up to better things like the 21st! My friend is having a birthday party for me! I'm excited. Then the 22nd is FALL OUT BOY!!!! :D <3 I think I might cry. And the 25th, my family is going to see Josh Turner, and my step mom has VIP tickets so that's cool.

So yeah. That's about the only cool things in my life, and then the whole anxiety came back bull crap. It was a nice 2 days tho, not being as worried about things, not having that horrible "everyone hates me, every one's looking at me, every one's watching me" thing. A very good 2 days.

Alrighty well, have a good one, and thanks for reading!

I deserve all the junk food I ate today I think.

Gonna try to keep this short. So lately, I've been working at my brothers' girlfriends' mom's daycare. Haha mouthful. But I like it, and I like the kids still even tho it's been two weeks of tantrums and poopy, snotty, dirty kids. :) They just are cute and say and do the sweetest and funniest things. :) Sometimes.

Anyway, payday was today, and my boss wrote us checks. I'm used to a big corporation that just sends out printed checks that I make family cash for me, so I panicked and thought I couldn't cash that, because I don't have a bank account. I have been way too scared to go get one. I'm almost 22, and have been working since 17, and still didn't have one. Until today! I had a short panic, and then, I decided to go after work to get an account, and not let anxiety and nerves get to me. 

I've already been driving LOADS now, not as scared as I used to be of it. (It's out of necessity tho, which was good for me I think. It MADE me drive more that way. The center is a town over, and I go on a busy road :]) And then today, I walked in to the bank and got an account. Granted, my mom had to come with me to keep me calm and do SOME of the talking. (Not all of it like I had planned tho, I did pretty good.) But still. She has been telling me for years to get one, and today I decided I wasn't having any of my anxiety's bullshit. I had a good day when it came to that. I ordered my own food. I paid for my Wal-Mart stuff. I tried on a shirt (that I ended up hating) I drove on main roads. I got a fucking bank account and talked to the fucking bank lady. I did it.

I hope I can keep this up. I love feeling like this. I still was nervous and got a sick feeling when it came time to do all this, nerves getting me for sure. But once it was done and I drove all over town and all sorts of shit I normally beg others to do, I felt really decent. I needed a day like today. I'm very thankful I had it. Even tho I got a sunburn. Taking sunscreen to work next time for sure. 

Song of the day is Sunburn by Muse. I feel like I might have done this song before, maybe not on here tho. (But maybe on here. Sorry if it's a repeat. Listen to it anyway, it's that good.) Alrighty well. Have a good one! <3

PS I was just reading this over for major spelling and grammar errors, and I saw that the song of the day is Sunburn, on the day that I got one. I didn't plan that, but it's funny cos once I got off work, I wanted to hear that song, even tho I wasn't even thinking about my actual burn yet haha.

I love my dog now...and a few random ranty bits.

Skip a few paragraphs for the random bits if you want, cos the first chunk is about my dog. :)  And I'm sure it's not interesting to anyone but me. :D

I am not an animal person, at all. I don't like people's pets, I didn't like my step-mothers dog, and I REALLY didn't like the new dog we got after Riley had to be put down in July. We got a little wiener dog-ish dog, I'm sure there's an actual name for him but i have no idea. His name is Slinky. For the record tho, I am VERY against harming animals, animal abusers should be killed in my opinion, and if being a vegetarian wasn't so expensive, I would be. (I was one for 4 years when I was younger, so I know it costs a lot.)  

Anyway, the last few months, I have been warming up to him, since it's just me and him home during the day, and I'm asleep till 1 or 2 most days. (I don't sleep at night. I dunno what's wrong with me.) And Slinky is a pretty lazy dog, he loves to sleep or lay around all day and night. When he used to jump up into my bed while I was sleeping, I would make him leave. But since it's just been me and him, I let him now cos I feel bad. He loves my brother, and my brother always had him close by. But now he's got a girlfriend, so he's never home, and poor Slinky lost his buddy. Also, my mom told me Slinky has the brain of a 2-4 year old and now I can't stop picturing him as a little toddler, just wanting to play and nap. 

 So yeah, it's weird for me and everyone I know that I like a dog, and carry him around wrapped up in a blanket like a baby. (He likes it, I promise. He LOVES blankets.) And I miss him when I go with my friends or when my step-mother locks him in her room at night. (I think she's jealous he likes us kids better than her.) And now I look at all dogs and want to just pet them and love them. Slinky has changed my heart I think. :D For the better, I hope. 

<  Slinky's Halloween costume
   Slinky being a majestic couch princess.>

So yeah, dog rant aside, there was a petition to get the ban on Kinder Eggs in the US dropped. I don't think it got near enough signatures to work, tho I wish it did. My friends have got them (either on vacation or a sneaky relative has sent them.) and they keep telling me how good the chocolate is, and show me their fun toys inside. I think it's so dumb they aren't allowed here. Don't give your kids something small that says it has a prize inside. You know that prize is gonna be even smaller. Don't be stupid. I feel like I'm missing out on everything nice, and I have never in my life been on vacation and definitely can't afford one anytime soon, so it sucks that I won't ever be getting one.

My friend Cassie has started doing YouTube vlogs, and Cece wants to start too. So now I have friends I can talk to about filming and also film with. :) Hilary and Rachel have been very kind to let me film them and our adventures, but I think they think I'm weird for doing so, even tho Hilary does watch some YouTube videos that I share. (Like Crabstickz. :D) So yeah, having friends that know is nice. Even tho none of us are like, full time, loads of viewers whatever. I just do it for fun. I like filming my memories. I like editing it. I like when people watch my stuff. I dunno. 

Anyway, I think I will wrap this up. Song of the day is Anywhere But Here by Mayday Parade. Great song. Also, Fall Out Boy leaked their album a week early and you can listen to it for FREE on soundcloud, which I would recommend doing because it is AMAZING. And a YouTuber I have been watching (a bit obsessively, really.) is Sprinkleofglitter. (Louise) She's really funny and real about things, and shares a lot of her life which I like a lot, and has such a cute daughter and I just really love her. I think besides Dan and Phil, I would most like to meet her. And Zoe. :) She has a blog on here too, but I don't know how to link or I would. She does beauty, life vlogs, talks about things people want to talk about. (Her having a baby story has made me think twice about wanting kids anytime soon, the poor girl.) But yeah check her out. :) Search sprinkleofglitter blog and I'm sure you'll find it, or there's a link on her YouTube channel. Ok I probably should go to bed. I always get chatty when I'm tired. Ok. Bye for now! Have a good day!

Color Fest 2013

I went to the annual Festival of Colors at the Sri Sri Radha Krishna Temple, which is a town over from me, yesterday. I was and still am feeling much better about things after talking to my friend, and getting out with my other friends helped a lot more. It was really a lot of fun! It was my first time there, as well as one of my friends, so we really didn't know what to expect. 

Her dad dropped us off in the middle of the street since the traffic kept stopping, and we followed a crowd into the line where we paid to get in. Then we waited for our other friend Rachel, who had brought along a school friend since they had left early. We didn't know there were 2 entrances so we waited a long time before deciding to go in and look for her. We didn't expect the literally THOUSANDS of people wandering around, throwing colorful dust at us. 
                                                                                                                                                             
First, a guy walked up and threw some green on us, cos we were too naked or something. So we were excited to have some color and happy about it all. Then we continued to walk on, and I passed a man with his daughter on his shoulders. She looked down and dumped her bag of yellow dust onto my head, which was awesome. :) And from there, it's just people throwing color at you as you pass, or coming up to you and asking if they can put some on ya. My favorite was when we had been inside for just a minute, some guy walking passed me ran his hand along my cheek and chin, saying "You're beautiful." and smearing purple across it all. It was so funny and kinda scary to me cos I'm so shy, but it helped prepare me for what was to come with people just walking up touching you or throwing color at you. 


Hilary, Me, Camber, and Cece
 
We found some girls I know that I'm starting to be friends with, and we were with them for a while. At the bottom of this hill, there was a stage set, and a band playing some sort of music, with the singer shouting out "Peace!" and "You all look so beautiful!" and stuff like that, and I felt like a hippie kind of :) I threw my dust on random people and wasnt even shy about it. The cutest thing was this really small girl, probably 2 or 3, had a handful of dust, and her mom told her to go put it on someone. So she ran up to me and smacked it on my butt, cos thats where she could reach and I had my back to her. It was so funny, and her mom was like "oh shit." but I just smiled to let her know i didn't mind at all. 

Then the big color throw came, which is where the stage guys countdown every 2 hours, and everyone throws their colors in the air. There's loads of really awesome pictures online if you want to look it up, but I didn't get a very good one cos I'm really short, and I don't want to steal someone's picture to put on here hahaha. (I am making a color fest vlog tho, if you ever wanna look me up on youtube :]]) Rachel and her friend had to leave, so Hilary and I just decided to walk around, telling my other friends we would meet up later. We got frozen yogurt, which I had never tried. I don't think I will go back to ice cream. Vanilla frozen yogurt is pure heaven on a spoon.                                                           
                
      My face when I got home.                                                                         My hair :) I like it that way:)
We decided to leave, and my other friends came at the same time. I really like them. I met them through my friend that really helped me the other night, and they have been nothing but nice to me since I met them. :) They are lovely girls. Hilary's mom came to pick us up, and had to put blankets in her car cos we were a MESS. Showering it all off was pure hell, and it stained my hands, wrist, and face. I had a beard and a Hitler stache, and a smudge of purple across my cheek after scrubbing my face twice. I finally got it all off, and out of my hair, and then got ready to go to Hilary's for S'mores. We tried to build a fire but her boyfriend had to come out and do it for us, and when Rachel showed up it started dying. We had hot dogs with cheese in them, (well, Hilary and I did, cos Rachel is a vegetarian.) and some Corona's, my new favorite drink. (Rachel didn't have that either, she doesn't drink haha.) and we told funny stories and laughed and it was a good end to a good day, even tho the fire died completely and it was cold out. 

So it was a super good day, and I love my friends a lot and really appreciate them for taking me since my car isn't running, and I hate driving anyway :))  I haven't done a recommended music for a bit, so today it's a whole album. Comedown Machine by The Strokes just came out, and it is AMAZING. 80's Comedown Machine, Welcome To Japan, and One Way Trigger are my favorites. It's a bit different from older Strokes albums, and people are having fits over it, but if you have an open mind, you'll love it. Well, that's it for today. :) Bye for now. :)

Sort of a ranty journal entry ish type thing so you can skip it :)

Hello, it's been a bit. But I just really haven't felt much like writing. I dunno. I have been having a hard time with things lately, especially like, bad thoughts I guess. But I talked to a good friend yesterday, and she has sort of the same anxiety issues that I do. So for one, I was glad to know I am not alone, and that I'm not going insane. We kept bringing up things we worried about or thought about a lot, and then the other would say "Me too!" and it was just nice to hear that I am not alone in this. 
It has been really bad though. Like, I'm 21, and I feel like I'm a super hormonal, whiny teenager again. I went through this when I was 12-15 too, but I think that just comes with the age. Anxiety freaking sucks. If you don't have it, feel so blessed. It's awful. I literally cannot live a normal life. I want a job. I want to go places and not feel panicked and feel like everyone's staring at me. I want to be able to make phone calls. I want to order my own food. I don't do that often. In fact, last night I skipped dinner with my friends because they went to Subway and I couldn't bring myself to even go order a drink. I do ok just being in public, as long as I don't feel like people are looking at me a lot, or if I'm in a group of people I'm fine.
It sucks, and my family doesn't understand at all. My dad and brother just tell me I'm being lazy and don't want to find a job, and that I need to grow up. But they don't realize that I WANT A JOB. I want money, I hate not having money to pay my bills. I'm using my tax refund to make sure I keep up on rent and insurance and have been in a slight panic for MONTHS about what's going to happen when I run out of money. 
I just wish I could be a normal, outgoing person, who can make friends with anyone and not be terrified at the thought of having to deal with customers or whatever. I can't even go into a place and ask for an application. And I stress over the thought of an interview, which I know most people do, but, like, I lose sleep over things like that. I can't look people in the eye while talking unless I know them well. People think I'm a bitch when they meet me because I hardly talk and am quiet. My friends now have told me, that that is what they thought when they first met me. And of course, eventually I got used to them and I was talking and joking and stuff, but I hate knowing that people think I'm mean. I try so hard to be nice and polite. And I always think I'm doing a good job of it, but I guess I'm not. 
Anyway, I realized last night while talking to my friend, that I am not alone in feeling like this. And she's there if I want to talk. I really hate talking about feelings. In fact, this blog is the only place I have ever spilled my guts about things and I'm holding a lot back. But she's there if I need. And then today I was like, I don't wanna just be done with life, because my mom loves me. And she tries to understand and make me feel better, even tho she really doesn't know what's going on cause I don't tell her. But she tries. And I know my dad and siblings care about me, otherwise I wouldn't have a roof over my head and my siblings would just not talk to me. And I have my super amazing friend who bought me a Fall Out Boy ticket because she knows I love them, and she knows how I feel. And I have 2 other really great fantastic friends who come to get me from my house and get me out for a bit. I don't really tell them about things because they have loads of other stuff going and I don't wanna bother them, but I know they would be there if I needed. 
So I realized all of that, and how lucky I really am, and I really am trying to not let the crappy 'fuck my life' thoughts in because it's not a fuck my life thing. I have some sort of mental thing and it's making me feel crap, but other than that my life is pretty good. And I am lucky. And so grateful for my people.
So yeah that's just my little story of the month. I really just wanted to get this out of me, and I don't want to just stick it in a document where I will delete it. I want it to be somewhere where I can come and see it a lot and remember. So, I know I don't get many readers, but if you do read my things, thank you :) I would just like to ask, if you have had anxiety problems, especially social ones, cos that's where mine's just getting worse and worse, what have you done to help it? Besides medicine anyway, cos I can't afford a doctor hahaha. Nor do I wanna go to one :)) 
Ok well, that's all. I'm being distracted by Doctor Who right now. I'm gonna miss the new episode later today because I am going to the Color Fest, but I'm sure it will be on later :) Bye for now :)

Quick little YouTube excitement.

So I was looking through my videos on YouTube today, which I have 11, and like 3 or 4 are monetized. (I just clicked it before I knew what it really was hahah.) But I was looking at things, and it said I had actually earned money from people watching. 2 cents. Which, I definitely know isn't a lot at all, but still. I earned something off of content that I came up with, filmed, edited, and posted. Like, that 2 cents means so much to me and I don't even know why. I don't get many viewers at all, and I didn't expect to. I just vlog about my life, so I can remember things myself, and so that I could try to work on being so shy. I figured that if I could put myself on the internet, on a site that MILLIONS of people go to, then I should be able to not be so damn shy in front of one stranger. (That hasn't gone well at all, I am still quite shy.)

But anyway, yeah. That's my days excitement. My life has been basically the same since my last post, which kinda sucks cos that means I still feel kinda sad and lonely and whatever else junk I am feeling.

BUT!!! My cousin, who is the mother of my goddaughter, told me yesterday that her husband wants to come down this weekend and look for a place DOWN HERE!!! I could, possibly, be seeing my goddaughter EVERY DAY rather than just at Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, and her birthday in September. She is an entirely different baby every time I see her, so it will be nice to see her more if they do move down. I really hope they do.

I'm not even joking, she's so huge now. And I only saw her twice while she was still kinda small. They got her when she was a month old, and I met her a few weeks after that at Thanksgiving. Ahhh I just really hope that works out. I'm trying not to hope too much, cos I'm superstitious about things like that, but I can't help it. :)

This turned out loads longer than I wanted it too ahhaha. Anyway, till next time, have a good one!! <333

PS if anyone who reads this is going to Playlist Live this weekend, just know I AM SO JEALOUS. :) If you meet Phil, tell him I think he's awesome and that he should come meet me and we can get married and whatever :)) 

little update on things, mostly a rant.

So I got a new job at a gas station, which is what I thought I would love. Maybe I'm just really overwhelmed with all I had to learn yesterday, and all the people I had to deal with, but I REALLY hated it. It got to 10 last night and all I wanted to do was go home, and it was all I could do not to cry. Two of the ladies I work with were really nice and helpful, but the lady who trained me was sort of snippy and didnt show me as much as tell me what to do and have me do it. I just was a mess yesterday and couldn't remember anything. I already wanna quit, and I know people think I'm just lazy, but I put up with pure shit at my last job for 4 1/2 years, i know I'm not just being a whiner. It was awful.

I think a lot of it might be my anxiety. All that job is, is cleaning, and then helping people, talking to people. I don't mind the cleaning, so I did a lot of it last night. But the dealing with people bit was horrifying. Everyone that came in is used to chatty, bubbly people helping them, and there I was, shaking and quiet and awkward. Even some lady said "You're really quiet." in sort of a rude voice, even tho I was being really nice, and said hello and thank you to her. And the lady who was training me said I was too quiet, and it worries me. I know I'm not ever gonna be the outgoing type, (even tho I am a Gemini and my trait thing always says outgoing), but I wish I could just not be so nervous.

I know, I know, everyone has been saying "It was your first day! It will get better!" But I really don't know. I'm already overwhelmed and I can't remember anything I learned, and the thought of going back there is making me so nervous that I'm about to throw up. It's awful.

Anyway, I was talking to my dad about it all, and about how I wanna maybe start looking into online school, and I was just joking around with my sister, who is currently in school. She was doing an assignment and I was like "I'm never going to school. Too hard." And everyone laughed for a minute but then my step-mom said "Life is hard." I dunno about you, but I HATE hearing that. Why would you tell people that. They might already be struggling with things, and you're saying life is hard? Yes, I definitely want to live now, knowing that it's just gonna be hard and shitty forever. That's just what I need to hear.

I like it better when people say that things get better, and it's all worth it. But lately all I hear is how hard life is, and that you just work your life away and then die. That's not fun to me. What about that is worth it. I dunno, I think I have just been having a rough time with things lately. I am really dreading work hahaha. My dad would kill me if I quit tho, even tho it's only two days a week.

On my next day off, I'm gonna go look for jobs. I might just get back into pizza. I know how to do that, and it won't be as overwhelming. I dunno.

I can't really think of any other update-ey things. I am now addicted to Cafe Rio, thanks to my friends mom. No joke all I want is a chicken salad from there hahaha. I've been working on my writing a lot more lately, and one of my ideas is going well. I'm going to start scripting out another idea soon, that one of my friends wanted to make a movie out of but we just never got around to doing our parts haha. But I recently got back into contact with him so we'll see. :)

So yeah that's just my update and rant. :) have a good day. :) Talk to ya soon hopefully. :)