Growing Up

As much as i HATE to admit it, I am 24 years old. OLD. I mean, yeah, that's not THAT old. But nothing is the same as it used to be and it sucks. 

I supposed that's just part of life, aging and getting more responsibilities and being a regular human changes things. I just am not adjusting very well to it. 

First off is the actual idea that I am no longer a teenager. I cannot believe how quickly the years have passed since i turned 18. Especially from 20 on though, these last 4 years have gone so quickly. It's just a lot of emotions and thoughts and crap hitting all at once. I am not a teenager anymore, yet nothing with my actual self has really changed. I still live at home. I have my own car and pay my phone and insurance and food (because who the hell can afford to move out anymore omg). But other than that, it feels like I'm still meant to be younger, so maybe that's why I'm having such a hard time adjusting. 

I also realized recently that I realllly messed up my teen years. I only had one friend (because she didn't like the idea of me having other friends) and it really sucked. I didn't go to school dances. I never got that fun (maybe fun? I don't know) experience of dress shopping for prom, or being asked to homecoming. Boys didn't pay attention to me. And I just had the one friend so I had no group to go with on my own. I missed out on that. I will never get that back. 

I try to tell my youngest sister (who is a junior this year) all the time to take advantage of high school while she can. My biggest regrets right now pretty much focus on not living it up while I could. I missed out on so much. I feel like I can't grow past it, I'm stuck with teenage brain because I am so pissed that I missed out on fun things. 

At 24, I don't NEED to sneak out a window to meet up with friends. Alcohol is legal for me now. I don't have a curfew to break. I don't get to do those fun things that that the teenagers in the books I still read get to do. 

I dunno. I want to "grow up". But at the same time I'm scared I'll lose the only things I like about myself, which is the small amount of humor I posses (Yes, I laugh at my own jokes.), and my creativity, which I feel goes away more, the more adult I try to act. 

I'm just not ready for it. There should be a test at 18 that you take to decide if you're an adult or not. I am a million percent sure I would not be yet. 

I feel stuck about it. My friends that I have now, the whole 2 of em (hahahahah :/) are growing and getting older too. (I'm the oldest of us lol.) This past year it's been really bad. 

Friend A and friend B, we'll call them, just in case they ever see this (and if you guys do, number one, wtf how did you find this hahaha and two, I am sorry, but this is the freaking truth, Friend A). 

Friend A and I got really close I'd say, maybe 2 years ago. I considered her my best friend EVER. She would invite me to everything; family things, weddings she was going to, going to the club with her boyfriend and his friends, all sorts of fun things. And I LOVED it. I was happy. I felt like I had THAT friend, that best friend all the teenage books I still read go on and on about having. For the first time since I was a kid, I had that. 

Friend B was (and is still) a very close and marvelous and wonderful friend. Age never was a deal (even though i was 20 and she was 17 when we met hahaha) but she's religious, and I'm not, and I like to drink and swear and say horrible dirty things and I find it hilarious. So we just really differ there. And Friend A, well she doesn't swear but she liked drinkin' and partyin' and having a good ol' time as much as I did. So it just made sense that we were closer I guess. 

Last summer, Friend A was single for the first time in our friendship. For a whole 2, glorious months, she was single and we were Single Ladies and it was summer and for the first time i actually liked summer!?!? Things were so fun and great and then August came and Friend A got a new boyfriend (and I am to blame for it happening so soon, I think, because I told her to go talk to the guy. He came to me first to say he liked her though and we all know, when I'm drunk, like 90% of the time, I try to make everyone happy and "help". I'm sure they would have started dating eventually, but I shouldn't have helped it along so soon). 

And things changed. SO FUCKING FAST they changed. Friend B and I went to Friend A's softball game, and friend A ignored us and then later claimed it was because she didn't see us when she had, for sure, looked over to us a few times. We used to hang out AT LEAST once a week, if not more. And Friend A stopped hanging out as much, stopped planning things, started canceling plans if she did plan something. The lowest blow was possibly the time we planned going to SLC to look at the temple Christmas lights for A MONTH. We'd planned the day that worked for all of us, a Saturday. And then the whole way up there, Friend A seemed upset, and as we pass Energy Solutions Arena, she tells us she wished she had gone with her boyfriend to the Jazz game they'd been invited to the night before, instead of with us. 

That was the first time I'd EVER been so mad at her. And shit just continued from there. And she's just been worse and worse. And the WORST part is, her boyfriend is a COMPLETE dick, treats her like shit, cheats on her, and she KNOWS IT and stays with him and we can't talk to her about it because she just blocks us out and the one time she did open up, she said she regretted it because "we thought he was a bad guy now." Which, we already did, Friend A. We haven't liked him for A LONG TIME. (You shouldn't change your whole personality because of a guy, just saying.) 

Anyway, that's where it's at now. I feel like I have no one. Friend B is still there and great and amazing, but she has other friends, and her own best friends, and apparently I am a lot more needy than I thought because I hate that she doesn't text me very often, and I hate that she doesn't fill me in on her life, and I hate that I don't feel like I can tell her everything, no holding back. And I hate that, because she IS such a good friend. I just know that she has other people, best friends that aren't me, and I guess I'm selfish and don't handle that right. I want my OWN best friend. 

I want one like in those goddamn teenage books, one I can call at any time, one that i just drive around and drink sodas with, one that tells me everything and I tell her everything, one that's like "Oh, you like that kid? Well I am gonna talk to him and introduce you!! And if he's a jerk, I'll key his car!" 

I want a friend that I can think of things to say too, and not feel like I'm annoying her. Which is how it feels now, I can't ever think of good things to say, and maybe a lot of that is anxiety (and some guy on reddit has diagnosed me with autism because I like dogs so who knows), but I also just think I know these girls well enough to know I can't just randomly text them some weird link and have them be excited about it. I've done it before. They had no enthusiasm about it hahaha. 

I dunno. I want a friend who's like ME and I dunno if I'll ever get that, especially where I'm fucking old now, and it's apparently time to grow up and get a job and get married and pop out 50 kids within 10 years and buy a house and go into debt and drive a mini van. I think I'm the only 24 year old in my town who ISN'T doing any of that. 

I regret not being young while I had the chance SO MUCH. Like, if I could go back to being 16, I WOULD. IN A HEARTBEAT. I wouldn't let Ashlie tell me not to hang out with other people (And yeah, you get your real name used because you and our stupid boss at the time/your nasty ass 30 year old boyfriend RUINED graduation for me). I would find people to go to dances with. I would sneak out and drive around with friends with music blasting and skip school (well...maybe not as much as I already did lololol) and have FUN. Instead of what I did. 

And I get that it's the past and I need to let it go (and now that song is in my head) and grow the fuck up and whatever but you know what? This is my blog and if you think I'm ridiculous and immature, you are goddamn right, but also you can just leave hahaha. 

This has turned into a massive journal-y post and I didn't intend for that to happen, but it did. Sorry. I don't think anyone even reads these anyway, so that's fine. But if you do, and you're under 18, PLEASE listen to me when I say to take advantage of it. I know it's like, the cool tumblr thing right now to not have friends and be a sassy little loner and to skip all the high school stuff and generally hate being a teenager that has to go to high school. But I am telling you, being an adult, is a MILLION times worse, and people don't let you have the excuse of being young. 

Get some friends, party it up (and by that, I mean don't drink until you're 21 and do your homework), go to football games and basketball games and be stupid and young. Drive around wasting gas at 1 am. Get giant ass cups of soda the the 7-11 because that's the only place open that isn't Walmart. Go to Walmart and look at random stuff. (I live in a smaller town, sorry I don't know what city kids do for fun, go do that.) Just enjoy it while you can. 

And I guess I'll just have to grow up and be lame and slowly lose my best friends to life, and be sad about it. I dunno. 

If anyone is like 24 ish and wants to be my immature best friend, hit me up hahaha. 

Also does anyone else get RIDICULOUSLY SAD about New Years or is that just me? Auld Lang Syne (spelling?) came on my Christmas list and that song makes me SO SAD. Anyway. Bye. (ps it's 5 am so no, I am not going to edit my typos and spelling and grammar sooooooo.)

Yo people still allowed to buy Cadbury

Send me a million of these cos apparently we aren't allowed to have them shipped to America anymore. hashtag freedom hahaha.

Dunno where else to put this but i want it out, so it's going here.

I am super happy that my 2 best friends are dating guys and happy. but i am hella sad that i still am not. blah.

Life Update.

It's been ages. Finally got wifi tho thanks to my cousin who lives next door hahaha.

Keeping this short because i really don't wanna do a long blog post and like no one reads these anyway sooooooooooooo.

~Updates~

• I'm fine at my mom's house now. It's not that horrible haha. 
• We got a dog, another wiener dog, who i love called Daizi. I still miss the shit out of Slinky tho but i get to see him sometimes.
• Got a job watching kids for now. Doesn't pay much at all but its enough to pay bills and do things with friends so i am HAPPY with it. Its not enough to move out tho, or get glasses or health insurance, which sucks. 
• Anxiety and depression still suck. They both also still kick my ass but i just deal with it hahaha. 

• i went on one date. Didn't really click with the guy but he is an AMAZING friend. say i friend zoned him all you want, we just didn't click. we don't have much in common. but i really do love him as a friend, i can tell him ANYTHING and he tries to help and understand, and i do the same for him. 

I think that's pretty much it. I dunno if I'll write more blog posts, i like it but i just...no one reads em haha and i dunno if my life is interesting enough anyway. i hardly do anything but sit at home after babysitting for 10 hours a day, and then weekends i sometimes do things hahaha.

Anyway, that's about it for now. Who knows if I'll write more. If I get interesting I will haha. 

life.

ok. so. things aren't going well at all. I'm being kicked out by my dad this week. I have a place to go, my moms, but she doesn't have internet, i have no phone, and neither of us have a car. Or money. so job finding is going to be MUCH harder than it already is. And my anxiety is kicking my ass completely, which sucks. I had so much hope for a bit that it was going to get better and it just isn't and the depression has come back worse than ever and I just am in a really low place right now. I don't want to move. I'm gonna miss my little sister. i wont have her to talk to anymore, or hang out with. I am especially sad about moving away from my dog. Hes the only thing i even look forward to seeing anymore when I'm away from the house. I think he can tell I'm leaving soon too, cos he doesn't leave me alone now and it breaks my heart. Like i feel like he is the only thing keeping me sane, and that's so dumb cos hes just a dog, but its true. 

I tried to tell my dad about my anxiety when i was going to be interviewing for the daycare I worked at and started to have a panic attack in front of him. He told me to grow up and that its all in my head, which yeah that's cool way to be helpful. I just want to be normal. I don't really know whats going on, but my chest is like achy sometimes when i get really sad. Like i can feel all things happy being sucked into this big hole in my chest and it sucks and i cant be happy anymore. I am a person who loves laughing and being around people, and lately i have to fake to even be excited to see my friends and I've been snippy with one of them and when we're out somewhere sometimes i go off into my thoughts of sad shit and they can tell by my face and will ask if I'm ok and it takes so much energy to smile and say yeah. Because I'm not. I am really not ok. I don't know what happened, but since October last year I have just had bad luck with things, and I've been getting worse on all my mental shit and now I'm not going to have ANYONE to turn to. I've been telling people online about it, it's less awkward that way. And now I wont even have that. I wont have a way to contact my friends, and one of them is moving 20 minutes away for school, which seems like nothing till you have no way to contact them or get to them. 

I don't even feel like getting out of bed anymore, and i normally don't unless i have something to do. Like i have to pack everything i own tomorrow i guess. and then i have to leave my car here till i find a job because i cant drive it without insurance. I already got in trouble for that once, and i learned my lesson. I don't know what to do. And i know no one reads my blog posts. But if someone ever does, and you have some advice, please. I will take anything. I am so scared about what I'm gonna end up doing. I've lost the will to live i guess. I kinda stopped believing in God, which i used to. but now i don't i have prayed for help or an answer or anything and i have got nothing and I see so many people suffering. Why would God allow that, unless he isn't there to see it? I dunno. I just am not doing well anymore. I wasn't doing great to start with but now its pretty bad. anyway. I'm done. this will be my last post till i find a job and get internet unless maybe i just don't write here ever again. bye.

Oh yeah.

PS I MET PATRICK STUMP LAST MONTH. JUNE 23RD 2013. I DIDN'T CRY. Tho I did cry during the concert when Fall Out Boy first came out. <3 I love them so so so much.

(please excuse my ugliness I'm not even kidding I was sweating and it was like 98 degrees waiting in line and probably over 100 in the building so I was so shiny from sweat and I just looked gross sorry. He looks fucking perfect tho.)


We would make cute babies. If they looked like him. :)

shortest blog post i will ever write

My friends birthday party was today. I got a ride with her and her sister. On the way home, her nephew rode home with us and my friend went with some other friends. The nephew opened the back car door for me, scooted the car seat that was in there over, waited for me to get in, and then closed the door for me. I've never had that done for me before. It was probably THE nicest thing a male has ever done for me. I loved it too much, and thought about it the whole 25 minute drive home. The boy is 16, and knows how to treat women. That kid is going to make an AMAZING husband to a girl someday. Like, I will be jealous of the girl that snags him up cos she's getting a total sweetheart. The end.