Wednesday, January 6, 2016
Friday, November 6, 2015
I kind of know what I want to do with my life. A little.
Ever since I learned to write, I've been writing stories. Short ones that I wrote as a kid and was mortified to hear my mom reading to an aunt over the phone. Long ones that I LITERALLY spent all of my after school hours (including the ones I should have been sleeping) working on from jr. high clear through high school. I've even dabbled in free lance poems from time to time because I think they're a great way to write hilarious things. I just love writing things that come to my brain.
And a lot of things do. I, at 24 years old, still have a crazy imagination. There was a period about a year ago where for about 6 months, I felt like it was gone. I was panicked about it. But i stopped going online so much, got back into reading and imagining my own worlds, slowly picked up writing again, and it was back.
And i got another idea for a book one day, while walking into Walmart with my friends and noticing an odd shaped cloud above a mountain behind us. And I kept thinking about weird things about that cloud as we walked through the store, me, as usual, not paying attention to what the other two were chatting on about, lost in my own thoughts.
So when I got home, I got straight to writing. And I finished an entire book. (I mean, there was a few months, maybe even a year in betwee,n but still). Never in my life had I done that before. I can't even remember the exact date I finished, (if I went through my twitter feed, I'm sure I could find it because I was very excited and tweeted about it.) But I know I was super excited and told people because it was such a huge thing for me.
I am the LEAST organized writer ever, if you can't tell from this. I jump around a lot. And when writing, I normally don't plot things out or even write down characters and stuff. (Which I'm regretting huge now.) I just write. It's there, it has to come out. I have gone to work or school with an hour or less of sleep because I HAVE to keep writing. I don't have the time to organize things out properly. (My mom has decided I probably have some sort of attention disorder.)
So when I actually finished this book, and noticed that I DID, in fact, have the ending thought of before hand and even some plot points written down in a folder titled "Story 5 ideas", I was super excited. And I'm realizing it's a lot easier than I thought to just jot down what I want to have happen and fill in details as it goes. I have probably 10 or more unfinished stories right now. Also the sequel for the one I did finish has no end right now, but i know I need to write it. Imagine how much farther along I'd be if I had just followed through on thinking and planning. Ah, it stresses me so haha.
Anyway, I am in a panic lately because I lost my job (due to car problems, but of fucking course I still lost the damn job.) and finding a new one has sent me into full blown panic/anxiety mode, which I hate. I'm still praying for some miracle job that I don't have to stress to get lol.
But I started looking at all these notebooks from Jr. High and high school that I have in piles around my room and in drawers (and 5 are stuffed under my mattress for some reason?), and the loads of documents saved onto my computer, all full of words I have poured hours of time, tears, laughter, and heart into that are just sitting. Doing nothing but being something for me to look at when I'm bored and feeling nostalgic.
And I have always wanted to WRITE, but I wasn't thinking that could be a job, and I'm not gonna count on it ever being a job for me. But I decided today that I really want to try. I want to be published. I want the thing that I have spent most of my life loving and doing to actually mean something.
The thought of someone reading my stuff scares the hell out of me because honestly, I don't think I'm that great of a writer. I know for sure I will be in the young adult category. That's what I know to write. That's what I like. I just don't know if I'm any good at it.
I dunno. It seems weird that getting published is a goal. In fact, making an actual career of writing is like, my dream. And I know so many people write and don't get much of anywhere with it. And that's why I want to start with a small goal. I just want my stories out there. They're entertaining to me, maybe they'll get someone else through a few hours of boredom.
I don't even know where to start. And there's also the whole "I need to find an actual paying job because bills and holy fuck Christmas is coming." panic that I keep getting and that's really blocked my brain right now.
I dunno. For the first time in my life, I have a GOAL. A goal that isn't "Get married and have kids and be a stay at home mom" (Which by the way, is going really bad so if you know a single guy who's 23-30 and he's wanting to date someone and isn't picky, lemme know hahaha).
I know sooooo many people dream of being the next big author, or even just being able to make a living off of it. And I guess that could be part of my goal. Or maybe my next goal if I ever reach my first goal of getting published. And I know it doesn't happen for most people and that makes me sad but also it's good to know going into it what might happen. I dunno.
This has all come out really unorganized and hard to read. I swear my actual writing isn't like this. It's really hard for me to write out my own thoughts, but when I'm writing someone else's, it's like it's not even me writing. It's just my hands doing the work and my brains on auto-pilot. Which I love. I love having my thoughts off for a bit and just escaping my life to hang out in someone else's.
This was supposed to just be me saying I wanna be a published author but it's turned into a mess. I'm blaming lack of sleep on this one. Anyway. I have a goal. I don't know how or when or even how to get started accomplishing this one, but I have it in place at least.
Well, I'm done spewing out my own thoughts. I feel better for now. Wish me luck on things, i DEFINITELY need it, even if it's just good vibes for a job.
And a lot of things do. I, at 24 years old, still have a crazy imagination. There was a period about a year ago where for about 6 months, I felt like it was gone. I was panicked about it. But i stopped going online so much, got back into reading and imagining my own worlds, slowly picked up writing again, and it was back.
And i got another idea for a book one day, while walking into Walmart with my friends and noticing an odd shaped cloud above a mountain behind us. And I kept thinking about weird things about that cloud as we walked through the store, me, as usual, not paying attention to what the other two were chatting on about, lost in my own thoughts.
So when I got home, I got straight to writing. And I finished an entire book. (I mean, there was a few months, maybe even a year in betwee,n but still). Never in my life had I done that before. I can't even remember the exact date I finished, (if I went through my twitter feed, I'm sure I could find it because I was very excited and tweeted about it.) But I know I was super excited and told people because it was such a huge thing for me.
I am the LEAST organized writer ever, if you can't tell from this. I jump around a lot. And when writing, I normally don't plot things out or even write down characters and stuff. (Which I'm regretting huge now.) I just write. It's there, it has to come out. I have gone to work or school with an hour or less of sleep because I HAVE to keep writing. I don't have the time to organize things out properly. (My mom has decided I probably have some sort of attention disorder.)
So when I actually finished this book, and noticed that I DID, in fact, have the ending thought of before hand and even some plot points written down in a folder titled "Story 5 ideas", I was super excited. And I'm realizing it's a lot easier than I thought to just jot down what I want to have happen and fill in details as it goes. I have probably 10 or more unfinished stories right now. Also the sequel for the one I did finish has no end right now, but i know I need to write it. Imagine how much farther along I'd be if I had just followed through on thinking and planning. Ah, it stresses me so haha.
Anyway, I am in a panic lately because I lost my job (due to car problems, but of fucking course I still lost the damn job.) and finding a new one has sent me into full blown panic/anxiety mode, which I hate. I'm still praying for some miracle job that I don't have to stress to get lol.
But I started looking at all these notebooks from Jr. High and high school that I have in piles around my room and in drawers (and 5 are stuffed under my mattress for some reason?), and the loads of documents saved onto my computer, all full of words I have poured hours of time, tears, laughter, and heart into that are just sitting. Doing nothing but being something for me to look at when I'm bored and feeling nostalgic.
And I have always wanted to WRITE, but I wasn't thinking that could be a job, and I'm not gonna count on it ever being a job for me. But I decided today that I really want to try. I want to be published. I want the thing that I have spent most of my life loving and doing to actually mean something.
The thought of someone reading my stuff scares the hell out of me because honestly, I don't think I'm that great of a writer. I know for sure I will be in the young adult category. That's what I know to write. That's what I like. I just don't know if I'm any good at it.
I dunno. It seems weird that getting published is a goal. In fact, making an actual career of writing is like, my dream. And I know so many people write and don't get much of anywhere with it. And that's why I want to start with a small goal. I just want my stories out there. They're entertaining to me, maybe they'll get someone else through a few hours of boredom.
I don't even know where to start. And there's also the whole "I need to find an actual paying job because bills and holy fuck Christmas is coming." panic that I keep getting and that's really blocked my brain right now.
I dunno. For the first time in my life, I have a GOAL. A goal that isn't "Get married and have kids and be a stay at home mom" (Which by the way, is going really bad so if you know a single guy who's 23-30 and he's wanting to date someone and isn't picky, lemme know hahaha).
I know sooooo many people dream of being the next big author, or even just being able to make a living off of it. And I guess that could be part of my goal. Or maybe my next goal if I ever reach my first goal of getting published. And I know it doesn't happen for most people and that makes me sad but also it's good to know going into it what might happen. I dunno.
This has all come out really unorganized and hard to read. I swear my actual writing isn't like this. It's really hard for me to write out my own thoughts, but when I'm writing someone else's, it's like it's not even me writing. It's just my hands doing the work and my brains on auto-pilot. Which I love. I love having my thoughts off for a bit and just escaping my life to hang out in someone else's.
This was supposed to just be me saying I wanna be a published author but it's turned into a mess. I'm blaming lack of sleep on this one. Anyway. I have a goal. I don't know how or when or even how to get started accomplishing this one, but I have it in place at least.
Well, I'm done spewing out my own thoughts. I feel better for now. Wish me luck on things, i DEFINITELY need it, even if it's just good vibes for a job.
Saturday, October 3, 2015
Growing Up
As much as i HATE to admit it, I am 24 years old. OLD. I mean, yeah, that's not THAT old. But nothing is the same as it used to be and it sucks.
I supposed that's just part of life, aging and getting more responsibilities and being a regular human changes things. I just am not adjusting very well to it.
First off is the actual idea that I am no longer a teenager. I cannot believe how quickly the years have passed since i turned 18. Especially from 20 on though, these last 4 years have gone so quickly. It's just a lot of emotions and thoughts and crap hitting all at once. I am not a teenager anymore, yet nothing with my actual self has really changed. I still live at home. I have my own car and pay my phone and insurance and food (because who the hell can afford to move out anymore omg). But other than that, it feels like I'm still meant to be younger, so maybe that's why I'm having such a hard time adjusting.
I also realized recently that I realllly messed up my teen years. I only had one friend (because she didn't like the idea of me having other friends) and it really sucked. I didn't go to school dances. I never got that fun (maybe fun? I don't know) experience of dress shopping for prom, or being asked to homecoming. Boys didn't pay attention to me. And I just had the one friend so I had no group to go with on my own. I missed out on that. I will never get that back.
I try to tell my youngest sister (who is a junior this year) all the time to take advantage of high school while she can. My biggest regrets right now pretty much focus on not living it up while I could. I missed out on so much. I feel like I can't grow past it, I'm stuck with teenage brain because I am so pissed that I missed out on fun things.
At 24, I don't NEED to sneak out a window to meet up with friends. Alcohol is legal for me now. I don't have a curfew to break. I don't get to do those fun things that that the teenagers in the books I still read get to do.
I dunno. I want to "grow up". But at the same time I'm scared I'll lose the only things I like about myself, which is the small amount of humor I posses (Yes, I laugh at my own jokes.), and my creativity, which I feel goes away more, the more adult I try to act.
I'm just not ready for it. There should be a test at 18 that you take to decide if you're an adult or not. I am a million percent sure I would not be yet.
I feel stuck about it. My friends that I have now, the whole 2 of em (hahahahah :/) are growing and getting older too. (I'm the oldest of us lol.) This past year it's been really bad.
Friend A and friend B, we'll call them, just in case they ever see this (and if you guys do, number one, wtf how did you find this hahaha and two, I am sorry, but this is the freaking truth, Friend A).
Friend A and I got really close I'd say, maybe 2 years ago. I considered her my best friend EVER. She would invite me to everything; family things, weddings she was going to, going to the club with her boyfriend and his friends, all sorts of fun things. And I LOVED it. I was happy. I felt like I had THAT friend, that best friend all the teenage books I still read go on and on about having. For the first time since I was a kid, I had that.
Friend B was (and is still) a very close and marvelous and wonderful friend. Age never was a deal (even though i was 20 and she was 17 when we met hahaha) but she's religious, and I'm not, and I like to drink and swear and say horrible dirty things and I find it hilarious. So we just really differ there. And Friend A, well she doesn't swear but she liked drinkin' and partyin' and having a good ol' time as much as I did. So it just made sense that we were closer I guess.
Last summer, Friend A was single for the first time in our friendship. For a whole 2, glorious months, she was single and we were Single Ladies and it was summer and for the first time i actually liked summer!?!? Things were so fun and great and then August came and Friend A got a new boyfriend (and I am to blame for it happening so soon, I think, because I told her to go talk to the guy. He came to me first to say he liked her though and we all know, when I'm drunk, like 90% of the time, I try to make everyone happy and "help". I'm sure they would have started dating eventually, but I shouldn't have helped it along so soon).
And things changed. SO FUCKING FAST they changed. Friend B and I went to Friend A's softball game, and friend A ignored us and then later claimed it was because she didn't see us when she had, for sure, looked over to us a few times. We used to hang out AT LEAST once a week, if not more. And Friend A stopped hanging out as much, stopped planning things, started canceling plans if she did plan something. The lowest blow was possibly the time we planned going to SLC to look at the temple Christmas lights for A MONTH. We'd planned the day that worked for all of us, a Saturday. And then the whole way up there, Friend A seemed upset, and as we pass Energy Solutions Arena, she tells us she wished she had gone with her boyfriend to the Jazz game they'd been invited to the night before, instead of with us.
That was the first time I'd EVER been so mad at her. And shit just continued from there. And she's just been worse and worse. And the WORST part is, her boyfriend is a COMPLETE dick, treats her like shit, cheats on her, and she KNOWS IT and stays with him and we can't talk to her about it because she just blocks us out and the one time she did open up, she said she regretted it because "we thought he was a bad guy now." Which, we already did, Friend A. We haven't liked him for A LONG TIME. (You shouldn't change your whole personality because of a guy, just saying.)
Anyway, that's where it's at now. I feel like I have no one. Friend B is still there and great and amazing, but she has other friends, and her own best friends, and apparently I am a lot more needy than I thought because I hate that she doesn't text me very often, and I hate that she doesn't fill me in on her life, and I hate that I don't feel like I can tell her everything, no holding back. And I hate that, because she IS such a good friend. I just know that she has other people, best friends that aren't me, and I guess I'm selfish and don't handle that right. I want my OWN best friend.
I want one like in those goddamn teenage books, one I can call at any time, one that i just drive around and drink sodas with, one that tells me everything and I tell her everything, one that's like "Oh, you like that kid? Well I am gonna talk to him and introduce you!! And if he's a jerk, I'll key his car!"
I want a friend that I can think of things to say too, and not feel like I'm annoying her. Which is how it feels now, I can't ever think of good things to say, and maybe a lot of that is anxiety (and some guy on reddit has diagnosed me with autism because I like dogs so who knows), but I also just think I know these girls well enough to know I can't just randomly text them some weird link and have them be excited about it. I've done it before. They had no enthusiasm about it hahaha.
I dunno. I want a friend who's like ME and I dunno if I'll ever get that, especially where I'm fucking old now, and it's apparently time to grow up and get a job and get married and pop out 50 kids within 10 years and buy a house and go into debt and drive a mini van. I think I'm the only 24 year old in my town who ISN'T doing any of that.
I regret not being young while I had the chance SO MUCH. Like, if I could go back to being 16, I WOULD. IN A HEARTBEAT. I wouldn't let Ashlie tell me not to hang out with other people (And yeah, you get your real name used because you and our stupid boss at the time/your nasty ass 30 year old boyfriend RUINED graduation for me). I would find people to go to dances with. I would sneak out and drive around with friends with music blasting and skip school (well...maybe not as much as I already did lololol) and have FUN. Instead of what I did.
And I get that it's the past and I need to let it go (and now that song is in my head) and grow the fuck up and whatever but you know what? This is my blog and if you think I'm ridiculous and immature, you are goddamn right, but also you can just leave hahaha.
This has turned into a massive journal-y post and I didn't intend for that to happen, but it did. Sorry. I don't think anyone even reads these anyway, so that's fine. But if you do, and you're under 18, PLEASE listen to me when I say to take advantage of it. I know it's like, the cool tumblr thing right now to not have friends and be a sassy little loner and to skip all the high school stuff and generally hate being a teenager that has to go to high school. But I am telling you, being an adult, is a MILLION times worse, and people don't let you have the excuse of being young.
Get some friends, party it up (and by that, I mean don't drink until you're 21 and do your homework), go to football games and basketball games and be stupid and young. Drive around wasting gas at 1 am. Get giant ass cups of soda the the 7-11 because that's the only place open that isn't Walmart. Go to Walmart and look at random stuff. (I live in a smaller town, sorry I don't know what city kids do for fun, go do that.) Just enjoy it while you can.
And I guess I'll just have to grow up and be lame and slowly lose my best friends to life, and be sad about it. I dunno.
If anyone is like 24 ish and wants to be my immature best friend, hit me up hahaha.
Also does anyone else get RIDICULOUSLY SAD about New Years or is that just me? Auld Lang Syne (spelling?) came on my Christmas list and that song makes me SO SAD. Anyway. Bye. (ps it's 5 am so no, I am not going to edit my typos and spelling and grammar sooooooo.)
I supposed that's just part of life, aging and getting more responsibilities and being a regular human changes things. I just am not adjusting very well to it.
First off is the actual idea that I am no longer a teenager. I cannot believe how quickly the years have passed since i turned 18. Especially from 20 on though, these last 4 years have gone so quickly. It's just a lot of emotions and thoughts and crap hitting all at once. I am not a teenager anymore, yet nothing with my actual self has really changed. I still live at home. I have my own car and pay my phone and insurance and food (because who the hell can afford to move out anymore omg). But other than that, it feels like I'm still meant to be younger, so maybe that's why I'm having such a hard time adjusting.
I also realized recently that I realllly messed up my teen years. I only had one friend (because she didn't like the idea of me having other friends) and it really sucked. I didn't go to school dances. I never got that fun (maybe fun? I don't know) experience of dress shopping for prom, or being asked to homecoming. Boys didn't pay attention to me. And I just had the one friend so I had no group to go with on my own. I missed out on that. I will never get that back.
I try to tell my youngest sister (who is a junior this year) all the time to take advantage of high school while she can. My biggest regrets right now pretty much focus on not living it up while I could. I missed out on so much. I feel like I can't grow past it, I'm stuck with teenage brain because I am so pissed that I missed out on fun things.
At 24, I don't NEED to sneak out a window to meet up with friends. Alcohol is legal for me now. I don't have a curfew to break. I don't get to do those fun things that that the teenagers in the books I still read get to do.
I dunno. I want to "grow up". But at the same time I'm scared I'll lose the only things I like about myself, which is the small amount of humor I posses (Yes, I laugh at my own jokes.), and my creativity, which I feel goes away more, the more adult I try to act.
I'm just not ready for it. There should be a test at 18 that you take to decide if you're an adult or not. I am a million percent sure I would not be yet.
I feel stuck about it. My friends that I have now, the whole 2 of em (hahahahah :/) are growing and getting older too. (I'm the oldest of us lol.) This past year it's been really bad.
Friend A and friend B, we'll call them, just in case they ever see this (and if you guys do, number one, wtf how did you find this hahaha and two, I am sorry, but this is the freaking truth, Friend A).
Friend A and I got really close I'd say, maybe 2 years ago. I considered her my best friend EVER. She would invite me to everything; family things, weddings she was going to, going to the club with her boyfriend and his friends, all sorts of fun things. And I LOVED it. I was happy. I felt like I had THAT friend, that best friend all the teenage books I still read go on and on about having. For the first time since I was a kid, I had that.
Friend B was (and is still) a very close and marvelous and wonderful friend. Age never was a deal (even though i was 20 and she was 17 when we met hahaha) but she's religious, and I'm not, and I like to drink and swear and say horrible dirty things and I find it hilarious. So we just really differ there. And Friend A, well she doesn't swear but she liked drinkin' and partyin' and having a good ol' time as much as I did. So it just made sense that we were closer I guess.
Last summer, Friend A was single for the first time in our friendship. For a whole 2, glorious months, she was single and we were Single Ladies and it was summer and for the first time i actually liked summer!?!? Things were so fun and great and then August came and Friend A got a new boyfriend (and I am to blame for it happening so soon, I think, because I told her to go talk to the guy. He came to me first to say he liked her though and we all know, when I'm drunk, like 90% of the time, I try to make everyone happy and "help". I'm sure they would have started dating eventually, but I shouldn't have helped it along so soon).
And things changed. SO FUCKING FAST they changed. Friend B and I went to Friend A's softball game, and friend A ignored us and then later claimed it was because she didn't see us when she had, for sure, looked over to us a few times. We used to hang out AT LEAST once a week, if not more. And Friend A stopped hanging out as much, stopped planning things, started canceling plans if she did plan something. The lowest blow was possibly the time we planned going to SLC to look at the temple Christmas lights for A MONTH. We'd planned the day that worked for all of us, a Saturday. And then the whole way up there, Friend A seemed upset, and as we pass Energy Solutions Arena, she tells us she wished she had gone with her boyfriend to the Jazz game they'd been invited to the night before, instead of with us.
That was the first time I'd EVER been so mad at her. And shit just continued from there. And she's just been worse and worse. And the WORST part is, her boyfriend is a COMPLETE dick, treats her like shit, cheats on her, and she KNOWS IT and stays with him and we can't talk to her about it because she just blocks us out and the one time she did open up, she said she regretted it because "we thought he was a bad guy now." Which, we already did, Friend A. We haven't liked him for A LONG TIME. (You shouldn't change your whole personality because of a guy, just saying.)
Anyway, that's where it's at now. I feel like I have no one. Friend B is still there and great and amazing, but she has other friends, and her own best friends, and apparently I am a lot more needy than I thought because I hate that she doesn't text me very often, and I hate that she doesn't fill me in on her life, and I hate that I don't feel like I can tell her everything, no holding back. And I hate that, because she IS such a good friend. I just know that she has other people, best friends that aren't me, and I guess I'm selfish and don't handle that right. I want my OWN best friend.
I want one like in those goddamn teenage books, one I can call at any time, one that i just drive around and drink sodas with, one that tells me everything and I tell her everything, one that's like "Oh, you like that kid? Well I am gonna talk to him and introduce you!! And if he's a jerk, I'll key his car!"
I want a friend that I can think of things to say too, and not feel like I'm annoying her. Which is how it feels now, I can't ever think of good things to say, and maybe a lot of that is anxiety (and some guy on reddit has diagnosed me with autism because I like dogs so who knows), but I also just think I know these girls well enough to know I can't just randomly text them some weird link and have them be excited about it. I've done it before. They had no enthusiasm about it hahaha.
I dunno. I want a friend who's like ME and I dunno if I'll ever get that, especially where I'm fucking old now, and it's apparently time to grow up and get a job and get married and pop out 50 kids within 10 years and buy a house and go into debt and drive a mini van. I think I'm the only 24 year old in my town who ISN'T doing any of that.
I regret not being young while I had the chance SO MUCH. Like, if I could go back to being 16, I WOULD. IN A HEARTBEAT. I wouldn't let Ashlie tell me not to hang out with other people (And yeah, you get your real name used because you and our stupid boss at the time/your nasty ass 30 year old boyfriend RUINED graduation for me). I would find people to go to dances with. I would sneak out and drive around with friends with music blasting and skip school (well...maybe not as much as I already did lololol) and have FUN. Instead of what I did.
And I get that it's the past and I need to let it go (and now that song is in my head) and grow the fuck up and whatever but you know what? This is my blog and if you think I'm ridiculous and immature, you are goddamn right, but also you can just leave hahaha.
This has turned into a massive journal-y post and I didn't intend for that to happen, but it did. Sorry. I don't think anyone even reads these anyway, so that's fine. But if you do, and you're under 18, PLEASE listen to me when I say to take advantage of it. I know it's like, the cool tumblr thing right now to not have friends and be a sassy little loner and to skip all the high school stuff and generally hate being a teenager that has to go to high school. But I am telling you, being an adult, is a MILLION times worse, and people don't let you have the excuse of being young.
Get some friends, party it up (and by that, I mean don't drink until you're 21 and do your homework), go to football games and basketball games and be stupid and young. Drive around wasting gas at 1 am. Get giant ass cups of soda the the 7-11 because that's the only place open that isn't Walmart. Go to Walmart and look at random stuff. (I live in a smaller town, sorry I don't know what city kids do for fun, go do that.) Just enjoy it while you can.
And I guess I'll just have to grow up and be lame and slowly lose my best friends to life, and be sad about it. I dunno.
If anyone is like 24 ish and wants to be my immature best friend, hit me up hahaha.
Also does anyone else get RIDICULOUSLY SAD about New Years or is that just me? Auld Lang Syne (spelling?) came on my Christmas list and that song makes me SO SAD. Anyway. Bye. (ps it's 5 am so no, I am not going to edit my typos and spelling and grammar sooooooo.)
Sunday, February 22, 2015
Yo people still allowed to buy Cadbury
Monday, October 6, 2014
Dunno where else to put this but i want it out, so it's going here.
I am super happy that my 2 best friends are dating guys and happy. but i am hella sad that i still am not. blah.
Sunday, June 8, 2014
Life Update.
It's been ages. Finally got wifi tho thanks to my cousin who lives next door hahaha.
Keeping this short because i really don't wanna do a long blog post and like no one reads these anyway sooooooooooooo.
Anyway, that's about it for now. Who knows if I'll write more. If I get interesting I will haha.
Keeping this short because i really don't wanna do a long blog post and like no one reads these anyway sooooooooooooo.
~Updates~
- I'm fine at my mom's house now. It's not that horrible haha.
- We got a dog, another wiener dog, who i love called Daizi. I still miss the shit out of Slinky tho but i get to see him sometimes.
- Got a job watching kids for now. Doesn't pay much at all but its enough to pay bills and do things with friends so i am HAPPY with it. Its not enough to move out tho, or get glasses or health insurance, which sucks.
- Anxiety and depression still suck. They both also still kick my ass but i just deal with it hahaha.
- i went on one date. Didn't really click with the guy but he is an AMAZING friend. say i friend zoned him all you want, we just didn't click. we don't have much in common. but i really do love him as a friend, i can tell him ANYTHING and he tries to help and understand, and i do the same for him.
Anyway, that's about it for now. Who knows if I'll write more. If I get interesting I will haha.
Friday, August 9, 2013
life.
ok. so. things aren't going well at all. I'm being kicked out by my dad this week. I have a place to go, my moms, but she doesn't have internet, i have no phone, and neither of us have a car. Or money. so job finding is going to be MUCH harder than it already is. And my anxiety is kicking my ass completely, which sucks. I had so much hope for a bit that it was going to get better and it just isn't and the depression has come back worse than ever and I just am in a really low place right now. I don't want to move. I'm gonna miss my little sister. i wont have her to talk to anymore, or hang out with. I am especially sad about moving away from my dog. Hes the only thing i even look forward to seeing anymore when I'm away from the house. I think he can tell I'm leaving soon too, cos he doesn't leave me alone now and it breaks my heart. Like i feel like he is the only thing keeping me sane, and that's so dumb cos hes just a dog, but its true.
I tried to tell my dad about my anxiety when i was going to be interviewing for the daycare I worked at and started to have a panic attack in front of him. He told me to grow up and that its all in my head, which yeah that's cool way to be helpful. I just want to be normal. I don't really know whats going on, but my chest is like achy sometimes when i get really sad. Like i can feel all things happy being sucked into this big hole in my chest and it sucks and i cant be happy anymore. I am a person who loves laughing and being around people, and lately i have to fake to even be excited to see my friends and I've been snippy with one of them and when we're out somewhere sometimes i go off into my thoughts of sad shit and they can tell by my face and will ask if I'm ok and it takes so much energy to smile and say yeah. Because I'm not. I am really not ok. I don't know what happened, but since October last year I have just had bad luck with things, and I've been getting worse on all my mental shit and now I'm not going to have ANYONE to turn to. I've been telling people online about it, it's less awkward that way. And now I wont even have that. I wont have a way to contact my friends, and one of them is moving 20 minutes away for school, which seems like nothing till you have no way to contact them or get to them.
I don't even feel like getting out of bed anymore, and i normally don't unless i have something to do. Like i have to pack everything i own tomorrow i guess. and then i have to leave my car here till i find a job because i cant drive it without insurance. I already got in trouble for that once, and i learned my lesson. I don't know what to do. And i know no one reads my blog posts. But if someone ever does, and you have some advice, please. I will take anything. I am so scared about what I'm gonna end up doing. I've lost the will to live i guess. I kinda stopped believing in God, which i used to. but now i don't i have prayed for help or an answer or anything and i have got nothing and I see so many people suffering. Why would God allow that, unless he isn't there to see it? I dunno. I just am not doing well anymore. I wasn't doing great to start with but now its pretty bad. anyway. I'm done. this will be my last post till i find a job and get internet unless maybe i just don't write here ever again. bye.
I tried to tell my dad about my anxiety when i was going to be interviewing for the daycare I worked at and started to have a panic attack in front of him. He told me to grow up and that its all in my head, which yeah that's cool way to be helpful. I just want to be normal. I don't really know whats going on, but my chest is like achy sometimes when i get really sad. Like i can feel all things happy being sucked into this big hole in my chest and it sucks and i cant be happy anymore. I am a person who loves laughing and being around people, and lately i have to fake to even be excited to see my friends and I've been snippy with one of them and when we're out somewhere sometimes i go off into my thoughts of sad shit and they can tell by my face and will ask if I'm ok and it takes so much energy to smile and say yeah. Because I'm not. I am really not ok. I don't know what happened, but since October last year I have just had bad luck with things, and I've been getting worse on all my mental shit and now I'm not going to have ANYONE to turn to. I've been telling people online about it, it's less awkward that way. And now I wont even have that. I wont have a way to contact my friends, and one of them is moving 20 minutes away for school, which seems like nothing till you have no way to contact them or get to them.
I don't even feel like getting out of bed anymore, and i normally don't unless i have something to do. Like i have to pack everything i own tomorrow i guess. and then i have to leave my car here till i find a job because i cant drive it without insurance. I already got in trouble for that once, and i learned my lesson. I don't know what to do. And i know no one reads my blog posts. But if someone ever does, and you have some advice, please. I will take anything. I am so scared about what I'm gonna end up doing. I've lost the will to live i guess. I kinda stopped believing in God, which i used to. but now i don't i have prayed for help or an answer or anything and i have got nothing and I see so many people suffering. Why would God allow that, unless he isn't there to see it? I dunno. I just am not doing well anymore. I wasn't doing great to start with but now its pretty bad. anyway. I'm done. this will be my last post till i find a job and get internet unless maybe i just don't write here ever again. bye.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Oh yeah.
PS I MET PATRICK STUMP LAST MONTH. JUNE 23RD 2013. I DIDN'T CRY. Tho I did cry during the concert when Fall Out Boy first came out. <3 I love them so so so much.
(please excuse my ugliness I'm not even kidding I was sweating and it was like 98 degrees waiting in line and probably over 100 in the building so I was so shiny from sweat and I just looked gross sorry. He looks fucking perfect tho.)
We would make cute babies. If they looked like him. :)
We would make cute babies. If they looked like him. :)
shortest blog post i will ever write
My friends birthday party was today. I got a ride with her and her sister. On the way home, her nephew rode home with us and my friend went with some other friends. The nephew opened the back car door for me, scooted the car seat that was in there over, waited for me to get in, and then closed the door for me. I've never had that done for me before. It was probably THE nicest thing a male has ever done for me. I loved it too much, and thought about it the whole 25 minute drive home. The boy is 16, and knows how to treat women. That kid is going to make an AMAZING husband to a girl someday. Like, I will be jealous of the girl that snags him up cos she's getting a total sweetheart. The end.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Update on my life and whatnot.
So, long time, no...type. haha. It's ok, i haven't sat in front of a camera and filmed since December so I'm doing better here.
Mostly I just want to talk about what's gone on lately with me. I have gone back to having pretty bad anxiety days, but I am just trying to push through it. It's hard tho. Really hard. I have to find a new job, cos for one, this one doesn't pay enough at all, I still had to borrow money from my dad to pay my insurance yesterday, and for two, my boss is gonna move anyway and they are closing the daycare. (Which, I had to hear from my little brother, who is dating my boss's daughter. I guess my boss didn't want to tell us yet, even tho we could be finding different jobs but whatever.) Anyway, I'm in a bit of a panic about it, cos I am freaking horrible at applying for jobs, let alone going into a freaking interview. I just wish it wasn't so hard for me, but I know there are worse things I could be dealing with so...whatever I guess.
My friend and I were hanging out today, and she was saying how it would be fun if us and my other friend got an apartment or something for a bit, just to try it out, living on our own, and I'm super excited and really hope that it happens. Cos the other friend and I have been planning it, but we weren't really thinking the first friend would want to move, but she does! at least for a bit :) So I need a decent ish job at least. And it would be fun, living with my friends and not having rules, decorating our way haha. I want it to happen. :)
Also, this is gonna be a super busy month for me, so I am SUPER hoping that my boss has me work more. I need 2 tickets for Warped tour on the 29th, one for my sister as her birthday present, and the other for me haha. I might ask my dad for that tho cos I really am broke. And my birthday is on the 18th. Not so fun but whatever. Leads up to better things like the 21st! My friend is having a birthday party for me! I'm excited. Then the 22nd is FALL OUT BOY!!!! :D <3 I think I might cry. And the 25th, my family is going to see Josh Turner, and my step mom has VIP tickets so that's cool.
So yeah. That's about the only cool things in my life, and then the whole anxiety came back bull crap. It was a nice 2 days tho, not being as worried about things, not having that horrible "everyone hates me, every one's looking at me, every one's watching me" thing. A very good 2 days.
Alrighty well, have a good one, and thanks for reading!
Mostly I just want to talk about what's gone on lately with me. I have gone back to having pretty bad anxiety days, but I am just trying to push through it. It's hard tho. Really hard. I have to find a new job, cos for one, this one doesn't pay enough at all, I still had to borrow money from my dad to pay my insurance yesterday, and for two, my boss is gonna move anyway and they are closing the daycare. (Which, I had to hear from my little brother, who is dating my boss's daughter. I guess my boss didn't want to tell us yet, even tho we could be finding different jobs but whatever.) Anyway, I'm in a bit of a panic about it, cos I am freaking horrible at applying for jobs, let alone going into a freaking interview. I just wish it wasn't so hard for me, but I know there are worse things I could be dealing with so...whatever I guess.
My friend and I were hanging out today, and she was saying how it would be fun if us and my other friend got an apartment or something for a bit, just to try it out, living on our own, and I'm super excited and really hope that it happens. Cos the other friend and I have been planning it, but we weren't really thinking the first friend would want to move, but she does! at least for a bit :) So I need a decent ish job at least. And it would be fun, living with my friends and not having rules, decorating our way haha. I want it to happen. :)
Also, this is gonna be a super busy month for me, so I am SUPER hoping that my boss has me work more. I need 2 tickets for Warped tour on the 29th, one for my sister as her birthday present, and the other for me haha. I might ask my dad for that tho cos I really am broke. And my birthday is on the 18th. Not so fun but whatever. Leads up to better things like the 21st! My friend is having a birthday party for me! I'm excited. Then the 22nd is FALL OUT BOY!!!! :D <3 I think I might cry. And the 25th, my family is going to see Josh Turner, and my step mom has VIP tickets so that's cool.
So yeah. That's about the only cool things in my life, and then the whole anxiety came back bull crap. It was a nice 2 days tho, not being as worried about things, not having that horrible "everyone hates me, every one's looking at me, every one's watching me" thing. A very good 2 days.
Alrighty well, have a good one, and thanks for reading!
Saturday, April 27, 2013
I deserve all the junk food I ate today I think.
Gonna try to keep this short. So lately, I've been working at my brothers' girlfriends' mom's daycare. Haha mouthful. But I like it, and I like the kids still even tho it's been two weeks of tantrums and poopy, snotty, dirty kids. :) They just are cute and say and do the sweetest and funniest things. :) Sometimes.
Anyway, payday was today, and my boss wrote us checks. I'm used to a big corporation that just sends out printed checks that I make family cash for me, so I panicked and thought I couldn't cash that, because I don't have a bank account. I have been way too scared to go get one. I'm almost 22, and have been working since 17, and still didn't have one. Until today! I had a short panic, and then, I decided to go after work to get an account, and not let anxiety and nerves get to me.
I've already been driving LOADS now, not as scared as I used to be of it. (It's out of necessity tho, which was good for me I think. It MADE me drive more that way. The center is a town over, and I go on a busy road :]) And then today, I walked in to the bank and got an account. Granted, my mom had to come with me to keep me calm and do SOME of the talking. (Not all of it like I had planned tho, I did pretty good.) But still. She has been telling me for years to get one, and today I decided I wasn't having any of my anxiety's bullshit. I had a good day when it came to that. I ordered my own food. I paid for my Wal-Mart stuff. I tried on a shirt (that I ended up hating) I drove on main roads. I got a fucking bank account and talked to the fucking bank lady. I did it.
I hope I can keep this up. I love feeling like this. I still was nervous and got a sick feeling when it came time to do all this, nerves getting me for sure. But once it was done and I drove all over town and all sorts of shit I normally beg others to do, I felt really decent. I needed a day like today. I'm very thankful I had it. Even tho I got a sunburn. Taking sunscreen to work next time for sure.
Song of the day is Sunburn by Muse. I feel like I might have done this song before, maybe not on here tho. (But maybe on here. Sorry if it's a repeat. Listen to it anyway, it's that good.) Alrighty well. Have a good one! <3
PS I was just reading this over for major spelling and grammar errors, and I saw that the song of the day is Sunburn, on the day that I got one. I didn't plan that, but it's funny cos once I got off work, I wanted to hear that song, even tho I wasn't even thinking about my actual burn yet haha.
Anyway, payday was today, and my boss wrote us checks. I'm used to a big corporation that just sends out printed checks that I make family cash for me, so I panicked and thought I couldn't cash that, because I don't have a bank account. I have been way too scared to go get one. I'm almost 22, and have been working since 17, and still didn't have one. Until today! I had a short panic, and then, I decided to go after work to get an account, and not let anxiety and nerves get to me.
I've already been driving LOADS now, not as scared as I used to be of it. (It's out of necessity tho, which was good for me I think. It MADE me drive more that way. The center is a town over, and I go on a busy road :]) And then today, I walked in to the bank and got an account. Granted, my mom had to come with me to keep me calm and do SOME of the talking. (Not all of it like I had planned tho, I did pretty good.) But still. She has been telling me for years to get one, and today I decided I wasn't having any of my anxiety's bullshit. I had a good day when it came to that. I ordered my own food. I paid for my Wal-Mart stuff. I tried on a shirt (that I ended up hating) I drove on main roads. I got a fucking bank account and talked to the fucking bank lady. I did it.
I hope I can keep this up. I love feeling like this. I still was nervous and got a sick feeling when it came time to do all this, nerves getting me for sure. But once it was done and I drove all over town and all sorts of shit I normally beg others to do, I felt really decent. I needed a day like today. I'm very thankful I had it. Even tho I got a sunburn. Taking sunscreen to work next time for sure.
Song of the day is Sunburn by Muse. I feel like I might have done this song before, maybe not on here tho. (But maybe on here. Sorry if it's a repeat. Listen to it anyway, it's that good.) Alrighty well. Have a good one! <3
PS I was just reading this over for major spelling and grammar errors, and I saw that the song of the day is Sunburn, on the day that I got one. I didn't plan that, but it's funny cos once I got off work, I wanted to hear that song, even tho I wasn't even thinking about my actual burn yet haha.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
I love my dog now...and a few random ranty bits.
Skip a few paragraphs for the random bits if you want, cos the first chunk is about my dog. :) And I'm sure it's not interesting to anyone but me. :D
I am not an animal person, at all. I don't like people's pets, I didn't like my step-mothers dog, and I REALLY didn't like the new dog we got after Riley had to be put down in July. We got a little wiener dog-ish dog, I'm sure there's an actual name for him but i have no idea. His name is Slinky. For the record tho, I am VERY against harming animals, animal abusers should be killed in my opinion, and if being a vegetarian wasn't so expensive, I would be. (I was one for 4 years when I was younger, so I know it costs a lot.)
Anyway, the last few months, I have been warming up to him, since it's just me and him home during the day, and I'm asleep till 1 or 2 most days. (I don't sleep at night. I dunno what's wrong with me.) And Slinky is a pretty lazy dog, he loves to sleep or lay around all day and night. When he used to jump up into my bed while I was sleeping, I would make him leave. But since it's just been me and him, I let him now cos I feel bad. He loves my brother, and my brother always had him close by. But now he's got a girlfriend, so he's never home, and poor Slinky lost his buddy. Also, my mom told me Slinky has the brain of a 2-4 year old and now I can't stop picturing him as a little toddler, just wanting to play and nap.
So yeah, it's weird for me and everyone I know that I like a dog, and carry him around wrapped up in a blanket like a baby. (He likes it, I promise. He LOVES blankets.) And I miss him when I go with my friends or when my step-mother locks him in her room at night. (I think she's jealous he likes us kids better than her.) And now I look at all dogs and want to just pet them and love them. Slinky has changed my heart I think. :D For the better, I hope.
< Slinky's Halloween costume
Slinky being a majestic couch princess.>
So yeah, dog rant aside, there was a petition to get the ban on Kinder Eggs in the US dropped. I don't think it got near enough signatures to work, tho I wish it did. My friends have got them (either on vacation or a sneaky relative has sent them.) and they keep telling me how good the chocolate is, and show me their fun toys inside. I think it's so dumb they aren't allowed here. Don't give your kids something small that says it has a prize inside. You know that prize is gonna be even smaller. Don't be stupid. I feel like I'm missing out on everything nice, and I have never in my life been on vacation and definitely can't afford one anytime soon, so it sucks that I won't ever be getting one.
My friend Cassie has started doing YouTube vlogs, and Cece wants to start too. So now I have friends I can talk to about filming and also film with. :) Hilary and Rachel have been very kind to let me film them and our adventures, but I think they think I'm weird for doing so, even tho Hilary does watch some YouTube videos that I share. (Like Crabstickz. :D) So yeah, having friends that know is nice. Even tho none of us are like, full time, loads of viewers whatever. I just do it for fun. I like filming my memories. I like editing it. I like when people watch my stuff. I dunno.
Anyway, I think I will wrap this up. Song of the day is Anywhere But Here by Mayday Parade. Great song. Also, Fall Out Boy leaked their album a week early and you can listen to it for FREE on soundcloud, which I would recommend doing because it is AMAZING. And a YouTuber I have been watching (a bit obsessively, really.) is Sprinkleofglitter. (Louise) She's really funny and real about things, and shares a lot of her life which I like a lot, and has such a cute daughter and I just really love her. I think besides Dan and Phil, I would most like to meet her. And Zoe. :) She has a blog on here too, but I don't know how to link or I would. She does beauty, life vlogs, talks about things people want to talk about. (Her having a baby story has made me think twice about wanting kids anytime soon, the poor girl.) But yeah check her out. :) Search sprinkleofglitter blog and I'm sure you'll find it, or there's a link on her YouTube channel. Ok I probably should go to bed. I always get chatty when I'm tired. Ok. Bye for now! Have a good day!
I am not an animal person, at all. I don't like people's pets, I didn't like my step-mothers dog, and I REALLY didn't like the new dog we got after Riley had to be put down in July. We got a little wiener dog-ish dog, I'm sure there's an actual name for him but i have no idea. His name is Slinky. For the record tho, I am VERY against harming animals, animal abusers should be killed in my opinion, and if being a vegetarian wasn't so expensive, I would be. (I was one for 4 years when I was younger, so I know it costs a lot.)
Anyway, the last few months, I have been warming up to him, since it's just me and him home during the day, and I'm asleep till 1 or 2 most days. (I don't sleep at night. I dunno what's wrong with me.) And Slinky is a pretty lazy dog, he loves to sleep or lay around all day and night. When he used to jump up into my bed while I was sleeping, I would make him leave. But since it's just been me and him, I let him now cos I feel bad. He loves my brother, and my brother always had him close by. But now he's got a girlfriend, so he's never home, and poor Slinky lost his buddy. Also, my mom told me Slinky has the brain of a 2-4 year old and now I can't stop picturing him as a little toddler, just wanting to play and nap.
So yeah, it's weird for me and everyone I know that I like a dog, and carry him around wrapped up in a blanket like a baby. (He likes it, I promise. He LOVES blankets.) And I miss him when I go with my friends or when my step-mother locks him in her room at night. (I think she's jealous he likes us kids better than her.) And now I look at all dogs and want to just pet them and love them. Slinky has changed my heart I think. :D For the better, I hope.
Slinky being a majestic couch princess.>
So yeah, dog rant aside, there was a petition to get the ban on Kinder Eggs in the US dropped. I don't think it got near enough signatures to work, tho I wish it did. My friends have got them (either on vacation or a sneaky relative has sent them.) and they keep telling me how good the chocolate is, and show me their fun toys inside. I think it's so dumb they aren't allowed here. Don't give your kids something small that says it has a prize inside. You know that prize is gonna be even smaller. Don't be stupid. I feel like I'm missing out on everything nice, and I have never in my life been on vacation and definitely can't afford one anytime soon, so it sucks that I won't ever be getting one.
My friend Cassie has started doing YouTube vlogs, and Cece wants to start too. So now I have friends I can talk to about filming and also film with. :) Hilary and Rachel have been very kind to let me film them and our adventures, but I think they think I'm weird for doing so, even tho Hilary does watch some YouTube videos that I share. (Like Crabstickz. :D) So yeah, having friends that know is nice. Even tho none of us are like, full time, loads of viewers whatever. I just do it for fun. I like filming my memories. I like editing it. I like when people watch my stuff. I dunno.
Anyway, I think I will wrap this up. Song of the day is Anywhere But Here by Mayday Parade. Great song. Also, Fall Out Boy leaked their album a week early and you can listen to it for FREE on soundcloud, which I would recommend doing because it is AMAZING. And a YouTuber I have been watching (a bit obsessively, really.) is Sprinkleofglitter. (Louise) She's really funny and real about things, and shares a lot of her life which I like a lot, and has such a cute daughter and I just really love her. I think besides Dan and Phil, I would most like to meet her. And Zoe. :) She has a blog on here too, but I don't know how to link or I would. She does beauty, life vlogs, talks about things people want to talk about. (Her having a baby story has made me think twice about wanting kids anytime soon, the poor girl.) But yeah check her out. :) Search sprinkleofglitter blog and I'm sure you'll find it, or there's a link on her YouTube channel. Ok I probably should go to bed. I always get chatty when I'm tired. Ok. Bye for now! Have a good day!
Monday, April 1, 2013
Color Fest 2013
I went to the annual Festival of Colors at the Sri Sri Radha Krishna Temple, which is a town over from me, yesterday. I was and still am feeling much better about things after talking to my friend, and getting out with my other friends helped a lot more. It was really a lot of fun! It was my first time there, as well as one of my friends, so we really didn't know what to expect.
Her dad dropped us off in the middle of the street since the traffic kept stopping, and we followed a crowd into the line where we paid to get in. Then we waited for our other friend Rachel, who had brought along a school friend since they had left early. We didn't know there were 2 entrances so we waited a long time before deciding to go in and look for her. We didn't expect the literally THOUSANDS of people wandering around, throwing colorful dust at us.
First, a guy walked up and threw some green on us, cos we were too naked or something. So we were excited to have some color and happy about it all. Then we continued to walk on, and I passed a man with his daughter on his shoulders. She looked down and dumped her bag of yellow dust onto my head, which was awesome. :) And from there, it's just people throwing color at you as you pass, or coming up to you and asking if they can put some on ya. My favorite was when we had been inside for just a minute, some guy walking passed me ran his hand along my cheek and chin, saying "You're beautiful." and smearing purple across it all. It was so funny and kinda scary to me cos I'm so shy, but it helped prepare me for what was to come with people just walking up touching you or throwing color at you.
Hilary, Me, Camber, and Cece
We found some girls I know that I'm starting to be friends with, and we were with them for a while. At the bottom of this hill, there was a stage set, and a band playing some sort of music, with the singer shouting out "Peace!" and "You all look so beautiful!" and stuff like that, and I felt like a hippie kind of :) I threw my dust on random people and wasnt even shy about it. The cutest thing was this really small girl, probably 2 or 3, had a handful of dust, and her mom told her to go put it on someone. So she ran up to me and smacked it on my butt, cos thats where she could reach and I had my back to her. It was so funny, and her mom was like "oh shit." but I just smiled to let her know i didn't mind at all.
Then the big color throw came, which is where the stage guys countdown every 2 hours, and everyone throws their colors in the air. There's loads of really awesome pictures online if you want to look it up, but I didn't get a very good one cos I'm really short, and I don't want to steal someone's picture to put on here hahaha. (I am making a color fest vlog tho, if you ever wanna look me up on youtube :]]) Rachel and her friend had to leave, so Hilary and I just decided to walk around, telling my other friends we would meet up later. We got frozen yogurt, which I had never tried. I don't think I will go back to ice cream. Vanilla frozen yogurt is pure heaven on a spoon.
My face when I got home. My hair :) I like it that way:)
We decided to leave, and my other friends came at the same time. I really like them. I met them through my friend that really helped me the other night, and they have been nothing but nice to me since I met them. :) They are lovely girls. Hilary's mom came to pick us up, and had to put blankets in her car cos we were a MESS. Showering it all off was pure hell, and it stained my hands, wrist, and face. I had a beard and a Hitler stache, and a smudge of purple across my cheek after scrubbing my face twice. I finally got it all off, and out of my hair, and then got ready to go to Hilary's for S'mores. We tried to build a fire but her boyfriend had to come out and do it for us, and when Rachel showed up it started dying. We had hot dogs with cheese in them, (well, Hilary and I did, cos Rachel is a vegetarian.) and some Corona's, my new favorite drink. (Rachel didn't have that either, she doesn't drink haha.) and we told funny stories and laughed and it was a good end to a good day, even tho the fire died completely and it was cold out.
So it was a super good day, and I love my friends a lot and really appreciate them for taking me since my car isn't running, and I hate driving anyway :)) I haven't done a recommended music for a bit, so today it's a whole album. Comedown Machine by The Strokes just came out, and it is AMAZING. 80's Comedown Machine, Welcome To Japan, and One Way Trigger are my favorites. It's a bit different from older Strokes albums, and people are having fits over it, but if you have an open mind, you'll love it. Well, that's it for today. :) Bye for now. :)
Her dad dropped us off in the middle of the street since the traffic kept stopping, and we followed a crowd into the line where we paid to get in. Then we waited for our other friend Rachel, who had brought along a school friend since they had left early. We didn't know there were 2 entrances so we waited a long time before deciding to go in and look for her. We didn't expect the literally THOUSANDS of people wandering around, throwing colorful dust at us.
First, a guy walked up and threw some green on us, cos we were too naked or something. So we were excited to have some color and happy about it all. Then we continued to walk on, and I passed a man with his daughter on his shoulders. She looked down and dumped her bag of yellow dust onto my head, which was awesome. :) And from there, it's just people throwing color at you as you pass, or coming up to you and asking if they can put some on ya. My favorite was when we had been inside for just a minute, some guy walking passed me ran his hand along my cheek and chin, saying "You're beautiful." and smearing purple across it all. It was so funny and kinda scary to me cos I'm so shy, but it helped prepare me for what was to come with people just walking up touching you or throwing color at you. Hilary, Me, Camber, and Cece
We found some girls I know that I'm starting to be friends with, and we were with them for a while. At the bottom of this hill, there was a stage set, and a band playing some sort of music, with the singer shouting out "Peace!" and "You all look so beautiful!" and stuff like that, and I felt like a hippie kind of :) I threw my dust on random people and wasnt even shy about it. The cutest thing was this really small girl, probably 2 or 3, had a handful of dust, and her mom told her to go put it on someone. So she ran up to me and smacked it on my butt, cos thats where she could reach and I had my back to her. It was so funny, and her mom was like "oh shit." but I just smiled to let her know i didn't mind at all.
Then the big color throw came, which is where the stage guys countdown every 2 hours, and everyone throws their colors in the air. There's loads of really awesome pictures online if you want to look it up, but I didn't get a very good one cos I'm really short, and I don't want to steal someone's picture to put on here hahaha. (I am making a color fest vlog tho, if you ever wanna look me up on youtube :]]) Rachel and her friend had to leave, so Hilary and I just decided to walk around, telling my other friends we would meet up later. We got frozen yogurt, which I had never tried. I don't think I will go back to ice cream. Vanilla frozen yogurt is pure heaven on a spoon.
My face when I got home. My hair :) I like it that way:)
We decided to leave, and my other friends came at the same time. I really like them. I met them through my friend that really helped me the other night, and they have been nothing but nice to me since I met them. :) They are lovely girls. Hilary's mom came to pick us up, and had to put blankets in her car cos we were a MESS. Showering it all off was pure hell, and it stained my hands, wrist, and face. I had a beard and a Hitler stache, and a smudge of purple across my cheek after scrubbing my face twice. I finally got it all off, and out of my hair, and then got ready to go to Hilary's for S'mores. We tried to build a fire but her boyfriend had to come out and do it for us, and when Rachel showed up it started dying. We had hot dogs with cheese in them, (well, Hilary and I did, cos Rachel is a vegetarian.) and some Corona's, my new favorite drink. (Rachel didn't have that either, she doesn't drink haha.) and we told funny stories and laughed and it was a good end to a good day, even tho the fire died completely and it was cold out. So it was a super good day, and I love my friends a lot and really appreciate them for taking me since my car isn't running, and I hate driving anyway :)) I haven't done a recommended music for a bit, so today it's a whole album. Comedown Machine by The Strokes just came out, and it is AMAZING. 80's Comedown Machine, Welcome To Japan, and One Way Trigger are my favorites. It's a bit different from older Strokes albums, and people are having fits over it, but if you have an open mind, you'll love it. Well, that's it for today. :) Bye for now. :)
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Sort of a ranty journal entry ish type thing so you can skip it :)
Hello, it's been a bit. But I just really haven't felt much like writing. I dunno. I have been having a hard time with things lately, especially like, bad thoughts I guess. But I talked to a good friend yesterday, and she has sort of the same anxiety issues that I do. So for one, I was glad to know I am not alone, and that I'm not going insane. We kept bringing up things we worried about or thought about a lot, and then the other would say "Me too!" and it was just nice to hear that I am not alone in this.
It has been really bad though. Like, I'm 21, and I feel like I'm a super hormonal, whiny teenager again. I went through this when I was 12-15 too, but I think that just comes with the age. Anxiety freaking sucks. If you don't have it, feel so blessed. It's awful. I literally cannot live a normal life. I want a job. I want to go places and not feel panicked and feel like everyone's staring at me. I want to be able to make phone calls. I want to order my own food. I don't do that often. In fact, last night I skipped dinner with my friends because they went to Subway and I couldn't bring myself to even go order a drink. I do ok just being in public, as long as I don't feel like people are looking at me a lot, or if I'm in a group of people I'm fine.
It sucks, and my family doesn't understand at all. My dad and brother just tell me I'm being lazy and don't want to find a job, and that I need to grow up. But they don't realize that I WANT A JOB. I want money, I hate not having money to pay my bills. I'm using my tax refund to make sure I keep up on rent and insurance and have been in a slight panic for MONTHS about what's going to happen when I run out of money.
I just wish I could be a normal, outgoing person, who can make friends with anyone and not be terrified at the thought of having to deal with customers or whatever. I can't even go into a place and ask for an application. And I stress over the thought of an interview, which I know most people do, but, like, I lose sleep over things like that. I can't look people in the eye while talking unless I know them well. People think I'm a bitch when they meet me because I hardly talk and am quiet. My friends now have told me, that that is what they thought when they first met me. And of course, eventually I got used to them and I was talking and joking and stuff, but I hate knowing that people think I'm mean. I try so hard to be nice and polite. And I always think I'm doing a good job of it, but I guess I'm not.
Anyway, I realized last night while talking to my friend, that I am not alone in feeling like this. And she's there if I want to talk. I really hate talking about feelings. In fact, this blog is the only place I have ever spilled my guts about things and I'm holding a lot back. But she's there if I need. And then today I was like, I don't wanna just be done with life, because my mom loves me. And she tries to understand and make me feel better, even tho she really doesn't know what's going on cause I don't tell her. But she tries. And I know my dad and siblings care about me, otherwise I wouldn't have a roof over my head and my siblings would just not talk to me. And I have my super amazing friend who bought me a Fall Out Boy ticket because she knows I love them, and she knows how I feel. And I have 2 other really great fantastic friends who come to get me from my house and get me out for a bit. I don't really tell them about things because they have loads of other stuff going and I don't wanna bother them, but I know they would be there if I needed.
So I realized all of that, and how lucky I really am, and I really am trying to not let the crappy 'fuck my life' thoughts in because it's not a fuck my life thing. I have some sort of mental thing and it's making me feel crap, but other than that my life is pretty good. And I am lucky. And so grateful for my people.
So yeah that's just my little story of the month. I really just wanted to get this out of me, and I don't want to just stick it in a document where I will delete it. I want it to be somewhere where I can come and see it a lot and remember. So, I know I don't get many readers, but if you do read my things, thank you :) I would just like to ask, if you have had anxiety problems, especially social ones, cos that's where mine's just getting worse and worse, what have you done to help it? Besides medicine anyway, cos I can't afford a doctor hahaha. Nor do I wanna go to one :))
Ok well, that's all. I'm being distracted by Doctor Who right now. I'm gonna miss the new episode later today because I am going to the Color Fest, but I'm sure it will be on later :) Bye for now :)
It has been really bad though. Like, I'm 21, and I feel like I'm a super hormonal, whiny teenager again. I went through this when I was 12-15 too, but I think that just comes with the age. Anxiety freaking sucks. If you don't have it, feel so blessed. It's awful. I literally cannot live a normal life. I want a job. I want to go places and not feel panicked and feel like everyone's staring at me. I want to be able to make phone calls. I want to order my own food. I don't do that often. In fact, last night I skipped dinner with my friends because they went to Subway and I couldn't bring myself to even go order a drink. I do ok just being in public, as long as I don't feel like people are looking at me a lot, or if I'm in a group of people I'm fine.
It sucks, and my family doesn't understand at all. My dad and brother just tell me I'm being lazy and don't want to find a job, and that I need to grow up. But they don't realize that I WANT A JOB. I want money, I hate not having money to pay my bills. I'm using my tax refund to make sure I keep up on rent and insurance and have been in a slight panic for MONTHS about what's going to happen when I run out of money.
I just wish I could be a normal, outgoing person, who can make friends with anyone and not be terrified at the thought of having to deal with customers or whatever. I can't even go into a place and ask for an application. And I stress over the thought of an interview, which I know most people do, but, like, I lose sleep over things like that. I can't look people in the eye while talking unless I know them well. People think I'm a bitch when they meet me because I hardly talk and am quiet. My friends now have told me, that that is what they thought when they first met me. And of course, eventually I got used to them and I was talking and joking and stuff, but I hate knowing that people think I'm mean. I try so hard to be nice and polite. And I always think I'm doing a good job of it, but I guess I'm not.
Anyway, I realized last night while talking to my friend, that I am not alone in feeling like this. And she's there if I want to talk. I really hate talking about feelings. In fact, this blog is the only place I have ever spilled my guts about things and I'm holding a lot back. But she's there if I need. And then today I was like, I don't wanna just be done with life, because my mom loves me. And she tries to understand and make me feel better, even tho she really doesn't know what's going on cause I don't tell her. But she tries. And I know my dad and siblings care about me, otherwise I wouldn't have a roof over my head and my siblings would just not talk to me. And I have my super amazing friend who bought me a Fall Out Boy ticket because she knows I love them, and she knows how I feel. And I have 2 other really great fantastic friends who come to get me from my house and get me out for a bit. I don't really tell them about things because they have loads of other stuff going and I don't wanna bother them, but I know they would be there if I needed.
So I realized all of that, and how lucky I really am, and I really am trying to not let the crappy 'fuck my life' thoughts in because it's not a fuck my life thing. I have some sort of mental thing and it's making me feel crap, but other than that my life is pretty good. And I am lucky. And so grateful for my people.
So yeah that's just my little story of the month. I really just wanted to get this out of me, and I don't want to just stick it in a document where I will delete it. I want it to be somewhere where I can come and see it a lot and remember. So, I know I don't get many readers, but if you do read my things, thank you :) I would just like to ask, if you have had anxiety problems, especially social ones, cos that's where mine's just getting worse and worse, what have you done to help it? Besides medicine anyway, cos I can't afford a doctor hahaha. Nor do I wanna go to one :))
Ok well, that's all. I'm being distracted by Doctor Who right now. I'm gonna miss the new episode later today because I am going to the Color Fest, but I'm sure it will be on later :) Bye for now :)
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Quick little YouTube excitement.
So I was looking through my videos on YouTube today, which I have 11, and like 3 or 4 are monetized. (I just clicked it before I knew what it really was hahah.) But I was looking at things, and it said I had actually earned money from people watching. 2 cents. Which, I definitely know isn't a lot at all, but still. I earned something off of content that I came up with, filmed, edited, and posted. Like, that 2 cents means so much to me and I don't even know why. I don't get many viewers at all, and I didn't expect to. I just vlog about my life, so I can remember things myself, and so that I could try to work on being so shy. I figured that if I could put myself on the internet, on a site that MILLIONS of people go to, then I should be able to not be so damn shy in front of one stranger. (That hasn't gone well at all, I am still quite shy.)
But anyway, yeah. That's my days excitement. My life has been basically the same since my last post, which kinda sucks cos that means I still feel kinda sad and lonely and whatever else junk I am feeling.
BUT!!! My cousin, who is the mother of my goddaughter, told me yesterday that her husband wants to come down this weekend and look for a place DOWN HERE!!! I could, possibly, be seeing my goddaughter EVERY DAY rather than just at Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, and her birthday in September. She is an entirely different baby every time I see her, so it will be nice to see her more if they do move down. I really hope they do.
I'm not even joking, she's so huge now. And I only saw her twice while she was still kinda small. They got her when she was a month old, and I met her a few weeks after that at Thanksgiving. Ahhh I just really hope that works out. I'm trying not to hope too much, cos I'm superstitious about things like that, but I can't help it. :)
This turned out loads longer than I wanted it too ahhaha. Anyway, till next time, have a good one!! <333
PS if anyone who reads this is going to Playlist Live this weekend, just know I AM SO JEALOUS. :) If you meet Phil, tell him I think he's awesome and that he should come meet me and we can get married and whatever :))
But anyway, yeah. That's my days excitement. My life has been basically the same since my last post, which kinda sucks cos that means I still feel kinda sad and lonely and whatever else junk I am feeling.
BUT!!! My cousin, who is the mother of my goddaughter, told me yesterday that her husband wants to come down this weekend and look for a place DOWN HERE!!! I could, possibly, be seeing my goddaughter EVERY DAY rather than just at Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, and her birthday in September. She is an entirely different baby every time I see her, so it will be nice to see her more if they do move down. I really hope they do.
I'm not even joking, she's so huge now. And I only saw her twice while she was still kinda small. They got her when she was a month old, and I met her a few weeks after that at Thanksgiving. Ahhh I just really hope that works out. I'm trying not to hope too much, cos I'm superstitious about things like that, but I can't help it. :)
This turned out loads longer than I wanted it too ahhaha. Anyway, till next time, have a good one!! <333
PS if anyone who reads this is going to Playlist Live this weekend, just know I AM SO JEALOUS. :) If you meet Phil, tell him I think he's awesome and that he should come meet me and we can get married and whatever :))
Monday, March 4, 2013
little update on things, mostly a rant.
So I got a new job at a gas station, which is what I thought I would love. Maybe I'm just really overwhelmed with all I had to learn yesterday, and all the people I had to deal with, but I REALLY hated it. It got to 10 last night and all I wanted to do was go home, and it was all I could do not to cry. Two of the ladies I work with were really nice and helpful, but the lady who trained me was sort of snippy and didnt show me as much as tell me what to do and have me do it. I just was a mess yesterday and couldn't remember anything. I already wanna quit, and I know people think I'm just lazy, but I put up with pure shit at my last job for 4 1/2 years, i know I'm not just being a whiner. It was awful.
I think a lot of it might be my anxiety. All that job is, is cleaning, and then helping people, talking to people. I don't mind the cleaning, so I did a lot of it last night. But the dealing with people bit was horrifying. Everyone that came in is used to chatty, bubbly people helping them, and there I was, shaking and quiet and awkward. Even some lady said "You're really quiet." in sort of a rude voice, even tho I was being really nice, and said hello and thank you to her. And the lady who was training me said I was too quiet, and it worries me. I know I'm not ever gonna be the outgoing type, (even tho I am a Gemini and my trait thing always says outgoing), but I wish I could just not be so nervous.
I know, I know, everyone has been saying "It was your first day! It will get better!" But I really don't know. I'm already overwhelmed and I can't remember anything I learned, and the thought of going back there is making me so nervous that I'm about to throw up. It's awful.
Anyway, I was talking to my dad about it all, and about how I wanna maybe start looking into online school, and I was just joking around with my sister, who is currently in school. She was doing an assignment and I was like "I'm never going to school. Too hard." And everyone laughed for a minute but then my step-mom said "Life is hard." I dunno about you, but I HATE hearing that. Why would you tell people that. They might already be struggling with things, and you're saying life is hard? Yes, I definitely want to live now, knowing that it's just gonna be hard and shitty forever. That's just what I need to hear.
I like it better when people say that things get better, and it's all worth it. But lately all I hear is how hard life is, and that you just work your life away and then die. That's not fun to me. What about that is worth it. I dunno, I think I have just been having a rough time with things lately. I am really dreading work hahaha. My dad would kill me if I quit tho, even tho it's only two days a week.
On my next day off, I'm gonna go look for jobs. I might just get back into pizza. I know how to do that, and it won't be as overwhelming. I dunno.
I can't really think of any other update-ey things. I am now addicted to Cafe Rio, thanks to my friends mom. No joke all I want is a chicken salad from there hahaha. I've been working on my writing a lot more lately, and one of my ideas is going well. I'm going to start scripting out another idea soon, that one of my friends wanted to make a movie out of but we just never got around to doing our parts haha. But I recently got back into contact with him so we'll see. :)
So yeah that's just my update and rant. :) have a good day. :) Talk to ya soon hopefully. :)
I think a lot of it might be my anxiety. All that job is, is cleaning, and then helping people, talking to people. I don't mind the cleaning, so I did a lot of it last night. But the dealing with people bit was horrifying. Everyone that came in is used to chatty, bubbly people helping them, and there I was, shaking and quiet and awkward. Even some lady said "You're really quiet." in sort of a rude voice, even tho I was being really nice, and said hello and thank you to her. And the lady who was training me said I was too quiet, and it worries me. I know I'm not ever gonna be the outgoing type, (even tho I am a Gemini and my trait thing always says outgoing), but I wish I could just not be so nervous.
I know, I know, everyone has been saying "It was your first day! It will get better!" But I really don't know. I'm already overwhelmed and I can't remember anything I learned, and the thought of going back there is making me so nervous that I'm about to throw up. It's awful.
Anyway, I was talking to my dad about it all, and about how I wanna maybe start looking into online school, and I was just joking around with my sister, who is currently in school. She was doing an assignment and I was like "I'm never going to school. Too hard." And everyone laughed for a minute but then my step-mom said "Life is hard." I dunno about you, but I HATE hearing that. Why would you tell people that. They might already be struggling with things, and you're saying life is hard? Yes, I definitely want to live now, knowing that it's just gonna be hard and shitty forever. That's just what I need to hear.
I like it better when people say that things get better, and it's all worth it. But lately all I hear is how hard life is, and that you just work your life away and then die. That's not fun to me. What about that is worth it. I dunno, I think I have just been having a rough time with things lately. I am really dreading work hahaha. My dad would kill me if I quit tho, even tho it's only two days a week.
On my next day off, I'm gonna go look for jobs. I might just get back into pizza. I know how to do that, and it won't be as overwhelming. I dunno.
I can't really think of any other update-ey things. I am now addicted to Cafe Rio, thanks to my friends mom. No joke all I want is a chicken salad from there hahaha. I've been working on my writing a lot more lately, and one of my ideas is going well. I'm going to start scripting out another idea soon, that one of my friends wanted to make a movie out of but we just never got around to doing our parts haha. But I recently got back into contact with him so we'll see. :)
So yeah that's just my update and rant. :) have a good day. :) Talk to ya soon hopefully. :)
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Samples and Tickets
Sooooooooooooooooooo my darling friend bought me a ticket to Fall Out Boy!!!! :D Even tho I didn't ask her to, and I said I couldn't pay for it and she knew I couldn't. Such a sweet girl. :)) (More than sweet but I feel like she would be uncomfortable if she saw how mushy I got about her :]) She's always been such an amazing friend, and we worked together at my old job, and we both quit because of the same shit boss, tho it was months apart. She used her babysitting money. I just can't thank her enough.
I will pay her back, even tho she said not to. I will tho. We do that, pay for the other persons food or whatever and then don't allow a payback (even tho i normally hide the money in her car or something :]). But never something this huge so of course I feel even more guilty than normal but I will pay her back, when I find a job :))) I am very happy she got them and surprised me tho, and I nearly cried hahaha. :))) I want June to hurry :)
Except I'll be 22 in June :( ugh I don't FEEL 22. I don't even feel 20. I still sometimes think im 18 or 19 for a minute before I realize how old I actually am. Most people my age in this town are married with kids. And I still live with my dad hahaha :)))
Anyway, I found this free sample page thing that my mom had posted about on facebook, so I just filled in crap so I could get free samples of stuff. I don't know if they'll actually send anything, but it was worth a shot. I mostly just sent for perfume samples hahaha. I am addicted to smell goods :) I wish I could get free mascara, but I dunno how they would make a sample out of that. :/ If someone reading this has used a site like this before, do they actually work? Cos I'm not gonna lie, I wouldn't mind some free stuff right now. :))
So there's this guy named Tom Milsom, and he's a musician (no joke he's amazing and can play anything) from England. And he sometimes does covers of songs (He also writes his own and Cherub and All Of Me are my favorites. *All Of Me is probably only on tumblr right now but I recommend it GREATLY*) that I haven't heard of before and I end up LOVING the song. The original one, cos while his covers are amazing, 95% of the time, the original is better. (One case where this isn't true, is The Vamps cover of As Long As You Love Me by Bieber. They are a million times better.) Anyway. He did a cover of Angels by The xx, who I hadn't even heard of prior to this, and I was in love with the song immediately and had to get it from itunes. It happened again today with a Radiohead song (It's one of the songs by them I had just listened to once and not really payed attention, and missed out on it's amazing-ness) and I had to choose between it, True Love Waits which is also by Radiohead, or Fall Out Boy's new song, and this one won out. (I'm asking my sister to please get the other two and I will give her cash ahhaha)
So today's song of the day is Nude by Radiohead. I can't stop listening to it!! Also another song I've been addicted to is Starlight by Muse. I have seriously listened to that around 500 times over the past 4 days. I don't even want to count but it's been over 100 times a days so I figure it has to be around that. I dunno why I love it so much. I just do. I used to not even like it that much so who knows what changed.
And today's recommended YouTuber is fancyclaps123. He's just getting started and he's hilarious, tho I think he's for more of an adult (or older teenager. I could handle penis jokes at a young age :]) or more mature-ish audience just due to the fact that he tells stories about his life experiences and some are just not things you normally share :)) So check out him, and those songs if you wanna :))) (I like recommending things, even tho I know most people don't just take recommendations unless they ask for it)
I've started writing again, well, reading over a really long...story thing that I wrote a while back, and trying to find out where and how to pick up again. I've actually started reading over the 2nd one cos the 1st story I tried to get back into, I can't remember the smaller bits and ideas I had for it, and I don't want to mess up the plot. The 2nd one is longer anyway, and I had put way more into it, and I feel like it'll be easier to get back into :))
Ok well this has been a really long one, but I am in a chatty mood. So, till next time! Have a good one! <33
I will pay her back, even tho she said not to. I will tho. We do that, pay for the other persons food or whatever and then don't allow a payback (even tho i normally hide the money in her car or something :]). But never something this huge so of course I feel even more guilty than normal but I will pay her back, when I find a job :))) I am very happy she got them and surprised me tho, and I nearly cried hahaha. :))) I want June to hurry :)
Except I'll be 22 in June :( ugh I don't FEEL 22. I don't even feel 20. I still sometimes think im 18 or 19 for a minute before I realize how old I actually am. Most people my age in this town are married with kids. And I still live with my dad hahaha :)))
Anyway, I found this free sample page thing that my mom had posted about on facebook, so I just filled in crap so I could get free samples of stuff. I don't know if they'll actually send anything, but it was worth a shot. I mostly just sent for perfume samples hahaha. I am addicted to smell goods :) I wish I could get free mascara, but I dunno how they would make a sample out of that. :/ If someone reading this has used a site like this before, do they actually work? Cos I'm not gonna lie, I wouldn't mind some free stuff right now. :))
So there's this guy named Tom Milsom, and he's a musician (no joke he's amazing and can play anything) from England. And he sometimes does covers of songs (He also writes his own and Cherub and All Of Me are my favorites. *All Of Me is probably only on tumblr right now but I recommend it GREATLY*) that I haven't heard of before and I end up LOVING the song. The original one, cos while his covers are amazing, 95% of the time, the original is better. (One case where this isn't true, is The Vamps cover of As Long As You Love Me by Bieber. They are a million times better.) Anyway. He did a cover of Angels by The xx, who I hadn't even heard of prior to this, and I was in love with the song immediately and had to get it from itunes. It happened again today with a Radiohead song (It's one of the songs by them I had just listened to once and not really payed attention, and missed out on it's amazing-ness) and I had to choose between it, True Love Waits which is also by Radiohead, or Fall Out Boy's new song, and this one won out. (I'm asking my sister to please get the other two and I will give her cash ahhaha)
So today's song of the day is Nude by Radiohead. I can't stop listening to it!! Also another song I've been addicted to is Starlight by Muse. I have seriously listened to that around 500 times over the past 4 days. I don't even want to count but it's been over 100 times a days so I figure it has to be around that. I dunno why I love it so much. I just do. I used to not even like it that much so who knows what changed.
And today's recommended YouTuber is fancyclaps123. He's just getting started and he's hilarious, tho I think he's for more of an adult (or older teenager. I could handle penis jokes at a young age :]) or more mature-ish audience just due to the fact that he tells stories about his life experiences and some are just not things you normally share :)) So check out him, and those songs if you wanna :))) (I like recommending things, even tho I know most people don't just take recommendations unless they ask for it)
I've started writing again, well, reading over a really long...story thing that I wrote a while back, and trying to find out where and how to pick up again. I've actually started reading over the 2nd one cos the 1st story I tried to get back into, I can't remember the smaller bits and ideas I had for it, and I don't want to mess up the plot. The 2nd one is longer anyway, and I had put way more into it, and I feel like it'll be easier to get back into :))
Ok well this has been a really long one, but I am in a chatty mood. So, till next time! Have a good one! <33
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
FALL OUT BOY IS BACK!! and this is all about it :)
If you haven't heard already, one of my most favorite bands, Fall Out Boy, is off hiatus FINALLY. It's seriously been years.
I first got into them when I was 13 years old, and From Under The Cork Tree had just come out (which is when most people got into them, I know.) I remember falling madly in love with Patrick Stump, (Why did he get married and break my heart?!) while the rest of my friends swooned over Pete, and we all sat and talked about how good they were and how amazing Patrick's voice is.
They went on hiatus when I was 18, and of course I was super sad, as they had become my top favorite band a little less than a year earlier.(Taking over Good Charlotte's place, where they had been since I was 11.) I never got to go to one of their concerts, cos when they came to town when I was 13, my parents wouldn't let me go, nor did I have a job to buy tickets.
So, I was 18, and had a job, and then they went on hiatus and I was devastated. And then came the waiting time in which I eagerly clung onto the hope that they would be back, stalking their twitters and various music blogs to see if there were any rumors of an end. And there were rumors, but they didn't lead to anything and I was just like... :(. I started listening to The Strokes in January 2010 and just tried to accept that Fall Out Boy might never come out with a new album. (Which I failed at, cos even tho they said it might never happen, I knew they would all get together for music again eventually.)
Then all those rumors started last year, and I was excited. It was different from 2010 or 2011 rumors. Actual band guys were saying Fall Out Boy was gonna be back soon. Then the whole festival rumor happened and I was getting anxious and people on tumblr were tagging me in posts about how disappointed people were gonna be when nothing happened. (you can untag me now, cos I was right. ha ha ha, ha ha. HA.) But I held onto hope, and freaked out on twitter the night before they announced they were back, because some music page had said they were back for sure. Yes, I waited till the actual band announced it before I believed it, but still, the fact that so many people were saying "Yes, they're gonna tour soon, they've been writing songs" was exciting and fantastic.
Then on the 4th of February, I woke up early (like 6:30 am early) for no good reason and couldn't get back to sleep, so I got on twitter. And 20 minutes later, Pete, Patrick, Joe, and Andy all tweeted that they were back, and here's a new song, and our albums coming in May, and here's a music video, and here's some tour dates for ya. I cried. I yelled and cried and my sister, who was just waking up for school, flipped me off and shut her door. She's not at all a morning person and she's terrible to deal with or try to talk to. I called my other sister and woke her up to tell her. I texted my mom. I went on all my social media sites (minus this one, I wasn't gonna make a post about this but it's too important.) and went nuts posting lyrics and reblogging or sharing the new song and video. It was the best day I've had in a long time.
Not to mention, my other favorite band, The Strokes, released a new song a few days before, and they have an album coming out soon too and they might tour, which means I need a job pronto. I am asking for Fall Out Boy tickets for my birthday tho, cos they're coming on June 22nd, and my birthday is the 18th. It's been a good music time for me.
Anyway, that's my Fall Out Boy hiatus end story. It's long and pointless but if you like Fall Out Boy and emotions then maybe you would like to read this. Mainly it's just for me to remember how I felt that day and what I did. My mom ended up calling me a few hours later and asking what I meant in my text, cos she forgot that Fall Out Boy is a band. :) ANYWAYYYY have a good one! <33
I first got into them when I was 13 years old, and From Under The Cork Tree had just come out (which is when most people got into them, I know.) I remember falling madly in love with Patrick Stump, (Why did he get married and break my heart?!) while the rest of my friends swooned over Pete, and we all sat and talked about how good they were and how amazing Patrick's voice is.
They went on hiatus when I was 18, and of course I was super sad, as they had become my top favorite band a little less than a year earlier.(Taking over Good Charlotte's place, where they had been since I was 11.) I never got to go to one of their concerts, cos when they came to town when I was 13, my parents wouldn't let me go, nor did I have a job to buy tickets.
So, I was 18, and had a job, and then they went on hiatus and I was devastated. And then came the waiting time in which I eagerly clung onto the hope that they would be back, stalking their twitters and various music blogs to see if there were any rumors of an end. And there were rumors, but they didn't lead to anything and I was just like... :(. I started listening to The Strokes in January 2010 and just tried to accept that Fall Out Boy might never come out with a new album. (Which I failed at, cos even tho they said it might never happen, I knew they would all get together for music again eventually.)
Then all those rumors started last year, and I was excited. It was different from 2010 or 2011 rumors. Actual band guys were saying Fall Out Boy was gonna be back soon. Then the whole festival rumor happened and I was getting anxious and people on tumblr were tagging me in posts about how disappointed people were gonna be when nothing happened. (you can untag me now, cos I was right. ha ha ha, ha ha. HA.) But I held onto hope, and freaked out on twitter the night before they announced they were back, because some music page had said they were back for sure. Yes, I waited till the actual band announced it before I believed it, but still, the fact that so many people were saying "Yes, they're gonna tour soon, they've been writing songs" was exciting and fantastic.
Then on the 4th of February, I woke up early (like 6:30 am early) for no good reason and couldn't get back to sleep, so I got on twitter. And 20 minutes later, Pete, Patrick, Joe, and Andy all tweeted that they were back, and here's a new song, and our albums coming in May, and here's a music video, and here's some tour dates for ya. I cried. I yelled and cried and my sister, who was just waking up for school, flipped me off and shut her door. She's not at all a morning person and she's terrible to deal with or try to talk to. I called my other sister and woke her up to tell her. I texted my mom. I went on all my social media sites (minus this one, I wasn't gonna make a post about this but it's too important.) and went nuts posting lyrics and reblogging or sharing the new song and video. It was the best day I've had in a long time.
Not to mention, my other favorite band, The Strokes, released a new song a few days before, and they have an album coming out soon too and they might tour, which means I need a job pronto. I am asking for Fall Out Boy tickets for my birthday tho, cos they're coming on June 22nd, and my birthday is the 18th. It's been a good music time for me.
Anyway, that's my Fall Out Boy hiatus end story. It's long and pointless but if you like Fall Out Boy and emotions then maybe you would like to read this. Mainly it's just for me to remember how I felt that day and what I did. My mom ended up calling me a few hours later and asking what I meant in my text, cos she forgot that Fall Out Boy is a band. :) ANYWAYYYY have a good one! <33
Thursday, January 31, 2013
25 things about me :)
I wasn't tagged or anything, but I am still pretty sick and I haven't been able to sleep, so I need to fill some time. :) I've been coughing so much all morning that my dad just brought me some cough drops downstairs cos he can hear me lol :)
1. I love music! I always have some going. I find songs I like in all genres (opera and classical even) but my favorite bands are The Strokes, Fall Out Boy, One Direction, and Good Charlotte. I love Of Mice & Men too, but my favorite song of the moment is True Love Waits by Radiohead. :))
2. I love cartoons! I don't think I will ever grow out of it. Adventure Time is my favorite but Fosters Home is on right now and I'm pretty happy about it. :)
3. I'm the oldest of four kids. :) maybe 5 if my dads wife gets her way hahaha. I have 2 sisters and a brother and I love em all.
4. I have an Internet addiction. :D
5. I'm addicted to cough drops. I can't help it, I just love them!
6. I love sports! The Steelers are my favorite in football, Penguins for hockey, Utah Jazz for basketball (since that's where i was born, raised, and still live) and I don't really have a baseball team because I'm just getting back into it. :)
7. I'm trying to teach myself guitar. It's not going well. I've been working on it for 8 years o.O But i have a very talented singer/guitar player friend named Rachel who said she'd teach me :) I love her :)
8. I'm finding it hard to come up with 25 things. Things are gonna get weird.
9. I swear A LOT. It's actually gone down quite a lot, but I still have the habit. (i just spelled it habbit. too much LOTR)
10. I am a Harry Potter fan. Huge. Potterhead forever!! So is my mom, and it's been a bonding thing for us since I was 8 :)
11. I drive a 1987 Jeep Cherokee that's been modified to have a truck bed rather than a trunk. Its pretty bad ass and all the boys love it, and are shocked to find a girl drives it and owns it. (it doesn't get me dates tho :/)
12. I'm super shy. Horribly shy and I hate it. I dunno how to fix it tho so I guess I'm just stuck.
13. I think I'm a nice person! And so do lots of people. I don't like being mean, I don't see a point in it unless a person is being awful, and even then I mostly just drop the kindness, but don't go out of my way to be rude.
14. I have horrible anxiety about everything. It's been this way since I was little and it makes it hard to enjoy life or look forward to anything, but I am working on changing this too. I want to be a better, more fun, less stressed person.
15. I love YouTube. My favorite YouTuber is AmazingPhil, followed closely by Crabstickz. Phil is too cute and funny and adorable and Chris is hilarious and cute and I love them both and spend quite a lot of time watching them :)
16. I love chocolate way too much.
17. I love pasta way too much. It's unhealthy how much i love pesto sauce and bow tie noodles, or any pasta dish and sauce really. Just not alfredo. Not a fan of that.
18. I have a sock obsession. I have close to (or maybe over) 100 pairs of socks. An entire drawer full plus some in another drawer and its not enough. I love crazy designed ones :) and my friends Rachel and Hilary got me socks for Christmas, as did a former co worker of mine cos its well known that I'm obsessed. my mom didn't get me any cos she says i have too many :(
19. I have small feet! i can wear a size 4 1\2 in kids, (tho in some brands i can wear a 6 or 7 and be ok) and need kids sized socks in order for them to fit right.
20. I'm the oldest kid and the shortest. My youngest sister just passed me in height over the last few months, and she's 13. I'm 5'2! :) which isn't that short but my parents and siblings are all 5'4-5'9, my brother being the tallest.
21. I was SUCH a weird kid. It's embarrassing to even think of the things I did.
22. I believe in ghosts. And aliens :) I think maybe it's cos it's just something interesting that i can't prove or disprove and watching or reading about it never gets boring :)
23. My mom pointed out that a lot of the men I think are good looking, look alike. She thought a picture of Phil was Rupert Grint with black hair. (Oh they're both so cute!)
24. I like to play board games! And I like to color in coloring books. :) I don't see it as a kid thing, I think it's perfectly fine to still do things you enjoyed when you were young. Age is just a number, you don't have to change just because a number gets higher.
25. I LOVE all things funny. Funny people, funny movies, funny anything. I love it. If a person is funny, I either fall in love with them or wanna be best friends forever with them. :) If someone is funny, they just seem easier to approach and get along with, and I think my brain just thinks "oh, if I'm sad, they'll cheer me up!" I think I'm pretty funny too, and spend a lot of time laughing at my own thoughts or words.
I think that's it. I am feeling quite chatty today, obviously. It's probably due to lack of sleep. :) '
bye for now!! <33
1. I love music! I always have some going. I find songs I like in all genres (opera and classical even) but my favorite bands are The Strokes, Fall Out Boy, One Direction, and Good Charlotte. I love Of Mice & Men too, but my favorite song of the moment is True Love Waits by Radiohead. :))
2. I love cartoons! I don't think I will ever grow out of it. Adventure Time is my favorite but Fosters Home is on right now and I'm pretty happy about it. :)
3. I'm the oldest of four kids. :) maybe 5 if my dads wife gets her way hahaha. I have 2 sisters and a brother and I love em all.
4. I have an Internet addiction. :D
5. I'm addicted to cough drops. I can't help it, I just love them!
6. I love sports! The Steelers are my favorite in football, Penguins for hockey, Utah Jazz for basketball (since that's where i was born, raised, and still live) and I don't really have a baseball team because I'm just getting back into it. :)
7. I'm trying to teach myself guitar. It's not going well. I've been working on it for 8 years o.O But i have a very talented singer/guitar player friend named Rachel who said she'd teach me :) I love her :)
8. I'm finding it hard to come up with 25 things. Things are gonna get weird.
9. I swear A LOT. It's actually gone down quite a lot, but I still have the habit. (i just spelled it habbit. too much LOTR)
10. I am a Harry Potter fan. Huge. Potterhead forever!! So is my mom, and it's been a bonding thing for us since I was 8 :)
11. I drive a 1987 Jeep Cherokee that's been modified to have a truck bed rather than a trunk. Its pretty bad ass and all the boys love it, and are shocked to find a girl drives it and owns it. (it doesn't get me dates tho :/)
12. I'm super shy. Horribly shy and I hate it. I dunno how to fix it tho so I guess I'm just stuck.
13. I think I'm a nice person! And so do lots of people. I don't like being mean, I don't see a point in it unless a person is being awful, and even then I mostly just drop the kindness, but don't go out of my way to be rude.
14. I have horrible anxiety about everything. It's been this way since I was little and it makes it hard to enjoy life or look forward to anything, but I am working on changing this too. I want to be a better, more fun, less stressed person.
15. I love YouTube. My favorite YouTuber is AmazingPhil, followed closely by Crabstickz. Phil is too cute and funny and adorable and Chris is hilarious and cute and I love them both and spend quite a lot of time watching them :)
16. I love chocolate way too much.
17. I love pasta way too much. It's unhealthy how much i love pesto sauce and bow tie noodles, or any pasta dish and sauce really. Just not alfredo. Not a fan of that.
18. I have a sock obsession. I have close to (or maybe over) 100 pairs of socks. An entire drawer full plus some in another drawer and its not enough. I love crazy designed ones :) and my friends Rachel and Hilary got me socks for Christmas, as did a former co worker of mine cos its well known that I'm obsessed. my mom didn't get me any cos she says i have too many :(
19. I have small feet! i can wear a size 4 1\2 in kids, (tho in some brands i can wear a 6 or 7 and be ok) and need kids sized socks in order for them to fit right.
20. I'm the oldest kid and the shortest. My youngest sister just passed me in height over the last few months, and she's 13. I'm 5'2! :) which isn't that short but my parents and siblings are all 5'4-5'9, my brother being the tallest.
21. I was SUCH a weird kid. It's embarrassing to even think of the things I did.
22. I believe in ghosts. And aliens :) I think maybe it's cos it's just something interesting that i can't prove or disprove and watching or reading about it never gets boring :)
23. My mom pointed out that a lot of the men I think are good looking, look alike. She thought a picture of Phil was Rupert Grint with black hair. (Oh they're both so cute!)
24. I like to play board games! And I like to color in coloring books. :) I don't see it as a kid thing, I think it's perfectly fine to still do things you enjoyed when you were young. Age is just a number, you don't have to change just because a number gets higher.
25. I LOVE all things funny. Funny people, funny movies, funny anything. I love it. If a person is funny, I either fall in love with them or wanna be best friends forever with them. :) If someone is funny, they just seem easier to approach and get along with, and I think my brain just thinks "oh, if I'm sad, they'll cheer me up!" I think I'm pretty funny too, and spend a lot of time laughing at my own thoughts or words.
I think that's it. I am feeling quite chatty today, obviously. It's probably due to lack of sleep. :) '
bye for now!! <33
Friday, January 25, 2013
What I've Been Up To Lately...
For the past five days, I have been quite ill. I have had the worst cold I have ever had in my life. It's been awful and it's still not over, though that could just be the drugs. My dads wife came home sick with a cold today too, (tho I don't know how she got it from me as I've been downstairs, away from everyone but my sister for a week.) so my dad headed off to the store in the middle of an ice rain storm to get medicine and juice. Alka-Seltzer tastes like the worst thing I can imagine but it really worked quite well, and I'm debating on drinking more in the morning so I can actually get up and do something. A shower is on the top of my list, followed by washing my sheets and blankets as I've just been in bed in the same pajamas for the first three days of this and I haven't had a shower since I got sick so yeah. :)
I'm hoping I feel better really soon, as I need to clean my room still. Apparently, the landlord is having the house appraised on Monday. Does that mean he's selling it? Are we going to have to move? Maybe a move would do good for me and my job hunting situation, but I still don't want to move. I like this town too much. Even though it's getting crazy here. I guess the swat team and possibly National Guard guys were out at a house where shots were fired? There's no news story on it yet, as we are a pretty small town, but I keep checking the news sites because they'll have it on eventually.
Ahhhhh my tumblr has quit working and it's making me sad. How else am I supposed to waste away the hours till I fall asleep?! Oh, I see. My wifi quit on me for a minute. Probably the ice...rain shit storm. Ice storm? It's supposed to snow all weekend. I like snow, so that's fine.
I had an important question or statement, but I forgot. I turned Panic! At the Disco on and forgot haha. Ugh my fever is coming back and I'm starting to cough again. I don't think I can drink that stuff again tho. Vile.
Well, since I can't remember my thought, I guess I will just wrap this up for now. Have a good day or night. Bye!<3
Oh p.s., I want to recommend a very talented, hilarious youtuber today, because he's cute and funny and one of my favorites. His name is Chris Kendall, look up Crabstickz. :) Hilarious. Bad Vet is a funny video, as is Internet Animal Impressions. :) (I don't know him at all, but he really deserves more views cos OMG he's funny.) Also, AmazingPhil, cos he's my future husband k.
I'm hoping I feel better really soon, as I need to clean my room still. Apparently, the landlord is having the house appraised on Monday. Does that mean he's selling it? Are we going to have to move? Maybe a move would do good for me and my job hunting situation, but I still don't want to move. I like this town too much. Even though it's getting crazy here. I guess the swat team and possibly National Guard guys were out at a house where shots were fired? There's no news story on it yet, as we are a pretty small town, but I keep checking the news sites because they'll have it on eventually.
Ahhhhh my tumblr has quit working and it's making me sad. How else am I supposed to waste away the hours till I fall asleep?! Oh, I see. My wifi quit on me for a minute. Probably the ice...rain shit storm. Ice storm? It's supposed to snow all weekend. I like snow, so that's fine.
I had an important question or statement, but I forgot. I turned Panic! At the Disco on and forgot haha. Ugh my fever is coming back and I'm starting to cough again. I don't think I can drink that stuff again tho. Vile.
Well, since I can't remember my thought, I guess I will just wrap this up for now. Have a good day or night. Bye!<3
Oh p.s., I want to recommend a very talented, hilarious youtuber today, because he's cute and funny and one of my favorites. His name is Chris Kendall, look up Crabstickz. :) Hilarious. Bad Vet is a funny video, as is Internet Animal Impressions. :) (I don't know him at all, but he really deserves more views cos OMG he's funny.) Also, AmazingPhil, cos he's my future husband k.
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