Sooooooooooooooooooo my darling friend bought me a ticket to Fall Out Boy!!!! :D Even tho I didn't ask her to, and I said I couldn't pay for it and she knew I couldn't. Such a sweet girl. :)) (More than sweet but I feel like she would be uncomfortable if she saw how mushy I got about her :]) She's always been such an amazing friend, and we worked together at my old job, and we both quit because of the same shit boss, tho it was months apart. She used her babysitting money. I just can't thank her enough.
I will pay her back, even tho she said not to. I will tho. We do that, pay for the other persons food or whatever and then don't allow a payback (even tho i normally hide the money in her car or something :]). But never something this huge so of course I feel even more guilty than normal but I will pay her back, when I find a job :))) I am very happy she got them and surprised me tho, and I nearly cried hahaha. :))) I want June to hurry :)
Except I'll be 22 in June :( ugh I don't FEEL 22. I don't even feel 20. I still sometimes think im 18 or 19 for a minute before I realize how old I actually am. Most people my age in this town are married with kids. And I still live with my dad hahaha :)))
Anyway, I found this free sample page thing that my mom had posted about on facebook, so I just filled in crap so I could get free samples of stuff. I don't know if they'll actually send anything, but it was worth a shot. I mostly just sent for perfume samples hahaha. I am addicted to smell goods :) I wish I could get free mascara, but I dunno how they would make a sample out of that. :/ If someone reading this has used a site like this before, do they actually work? Cos I'm not gonna lie, I wouldn't mind some free stuff right now. :))
So there's this guy named Tom Milsom, and he's a musician (no joke he's amazing and can play anything) from England. And he sometimes does covers of songs (He also writes his own and Cherub and All Of Me are my favorites. *All Of Me is probably only on tumblr right now but I recommend it GREATLY*) that I haven't heard of before and I end up LOVING the song. The original one, cos while his covers are amazing, 95% of the time, the original is better. (One case where this isn't true, is The Vamps cover of As Long As You Love Me by Bieber. They are a million times better.) Anyway. He did a cover of Angels by The xx, who I hadn't even heard of prior to this, and I was in love with the song immediately and had to get it from itunes. It happened again today with a Radiohead song (It's one of the songs by them I had just listened to once and not really payed attention, and missed out on it's amazing-ness) and I had to choose between it, True Love Waits which is also by Radiohead, or Fall Out Boy's new song, and this one won out. (I'm asking my sister to please get the other two and I will give her cash ahhaha)
So today's song of the day is Nude by Radiohead. I can't stop listening to it!! Also another song I've been addicted to is Starlight by Muse. I have seriously listened to that around 500 times over the past 4 days. I don't even want to count but it's been over 100 times a days so I figure it has to be around that. I dunno why I love it so much. I just do. I used to not even like it that much so who knows what changed.
And today's recommended YouTuber is fancyclaps123. He's just getting started and he's hilarious, tho I think he's for more of an adult (or older teenager. I could handle penis jokes at a young age :]) or more mature-ish audience just due to the fact that he tells stories about his life experiences and some are just not things you normally share :)) So check out him, and those songs if you wanna :))) (I like recommending things, even tho I know most people don't just take recommendations unless they ask for it)
I've started writing again, well, reading over a really long...story thing that I wrote a while back, and trying to find out where and how to pick up again. I've actually started reading over the 2nd one cos the 1st story I tried to get back into, I can't remember the smaller bits and ideas I had for it, and I don't want to mess up the plot. The 2nd one is longer anyway, and I had put way more into it, and I feel like it'll be easier to get back into :))
Ok well this has been a really long one, but I am in a chatty mood. So, till next time! Have a good one! <33
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
FALL OUT BOY IS BACK!! and this is all about it :)
If you haven't heard already, one of my most favorite bands, Fall Out Boy, is off hiatus FINALLY. It's seriously been years.
I first got into them when I was 13 years old, and From Under The Cork Tree had just come out (which is when most people got into them, I know.) I remember falling madly in love with Patrick Stump, (Why did he get married and break my heart?!) while the rest of my friends swooned over Pete, and we all sat and talked about how good they were and how amazing Patrick's voice is.
They went on hiatus when I was 18, and of course I was super sad, as they had become my top favorite band a little less than a year earlier.(Taking over Good Charlotte's place, where they had been since I was 11.) I never got to go to one of their concerts, cos when they came to town when I was 13, my parents wouldn't let me go, nor did I have a job to buy tickets.
So, I was 18, and had a job, and then they went on hiatus and I was devastated. And then came the waiting time in which I eagerly clung onto the hope that they would be back, stalking their twitters and various music blogs to see if there were any rumors of an end. And there were rumors, but they didn't lead to anything and I was just like... :(. I started listening to The Strokes in January 2010 and just tried to accept that Fall Out Boy might never come out with a new album. (Which I failed at, cos even tho they said it might never happen, I knew they would all get together for music again eventually.)
Then all those rumors started last year, and I was excited. It was different from 2010 or 2011 rumors. Actual band guys were saying Fall Out Boy was gonna be back soon. Then the whole festival rumor happened and I was getting anxious and people on tumblr were tagging me in posts about how disappointed people were gonna be when nothing happened. (you can untag me now, cos I was right. ha ha ha, ha ha. HA.) But I held onto hope, and freaked out on twitter the night before they announced they were back, because some music page had said they were back for sure. Yes, I waited till the actual band announced it before I believed it, but still, the fact that so many people were saying "Yes, they're gonna tour soon, they've been writing songs" was exciting and fantastic.
Then on the 4th of February, I woke up early (like 6:30 am early) for no good reason and couldn't get back to sleep, so I got on twitter. And 20 minutes later, Pete, Patrick, Joe, and Andy all tweeted that they were back, and here's a new song, and our albums coming in May, and here's a music video, and here's some tour dates for ya. I cried. I yelled and cried and my sister, who was just waking up for school, flipped me off and shut her door. She's not at all a morning person and she's terrible to deal with or try to talk to. I called my other sister and woke her up to tell her. I texted my mom. I went on all my social media sites (minus this one, I wasn't gonna make a post about this but it's too important.) and went nuts posting lyrics and reblogging or sharing the new song and video. It was the best day I've had in a long time.
Not to mention, my other favorite band, The Strokes, released a new song a few days before, and they have an album coming out soon too and they might tour, which means I need a job pronto. I am asking for Fall Out Boy tickets for my birthday tho, cos they're coming on June 22nd, and my birthday is the 18th. It's been a good music time for me.
Anyway, that's my Fall Out Boy hiatus end story. It's long and pointless but if you like Fall Out Boy and emotions then maybe you would like to read this. Mainly it's just for me to remember how I felt that day and what I did. My mom ended up calling me a few hours later and asking what I meant in my text, cos she forgot that Fall Out Boy is a band. :) ANYWAYYYY have a good one! <33
I first got into them when I was 13 years old, and From Under The Cork Tree had just come out (which is when most people got into them, I know.) I remember falling madly in love with Patrick Stump, (Why did he get married and break my heart?!) while the rest of my friends swooned over Pete, and we all sat and talked about how good they were and how amazing Patrick's voice is.
They went on hiatus when I was 18, and of course I was super sad, as they had become my top favorite band a little less than a year earlier.(Taking over Good Charlotte's place, where they had been since I was 11.) I never got to go to one of their concerts, cos when they came to town when I was 13, my parents wouldn't let me go, nor did I have a job to buy tickets.
So, I was 18, and had a job, and then they went on hiatus and I was devastated. And then came the waiting time in which I eagerly clung onto the hope that they would be back, stalking their twitters and various music blogs to see if there were any rumors of an end. And there were rumors, but they didn't lead to anything and I was just like... :(. I started listening to The Strokes in January 2010 and just tried to accept that Fall Out Boy might never come out with a new album. (Which I failed at, cos even tho they said it might never happen, I knew they would all get together for music again eventually.)
Then all those rumors started last year, and I was excited. It was different from 2010 or 2011 rumors. Actual band guys were saying Fall Out Boy was gonna be back soon. Then the whole festival rumor happened and I was getting anxious and people on tumblr were tagging me in posts about how disappointed people were gonna be when nothing happened. (you can untag me now, cos I was right. ha ha ha, ha ha. HA.) But I held onto hope, and freaked out on twitter the night before they announced they were back, because some music page had said they were back for sure. Yes, I waited till the actual band announced it before I believed it, but still, the fact that so many people were saying "Yes, they're gonna tour soon, they've been writing songs" was exciting and fantastic.
Then on the 4th of February, I woke up early (like 6:30 am early) for no good reason and couldn't get back to sleep, so I got on twitter. And 20 minutes later, Pete, Patrick, Joe, and Andy all tweeted that they were back, and here's a new song, and our albums coming in May, and here's a music video, and here's some tour dates for ya. I cried. I yelled and cried and my sister, who was just waking up for school, flipped me off and shut her door. She's not at all a morning person and she's terrible to deal with or try to talk to. I called my other sister and woke her up to tell her. I texted my mom. I went on all my social media sites (minus this one, I wasn't gonna make a post about this but it's too important.) and went nuts posting lyrics and reblogging or sharing the new song and video. It was the best day I've had in a long time.
Not to mention, my other favorite band, The Strokes, released a new song a few days before, and they have an album coming out soon too and they might tour, which means I need a job pronto. I am asking for Fall Out Boy tickets for my birthday tho, cos they're coming on June 22nd, and my birthday is the 18th. It's been a good music time for me.
Anyway, that's my Fall Out Boy hiatus end story. It's long and pointless but if you like Fall Out Boy and emotions then maybe you would like to read this. Mainly it's just for me to remember how I felt that day and what I did. My mom ended up calling me a few hours later and asking what I meant in my text, cos she forgot that Fall Out Boy is a band. :) ANYWAYYYY have a good one! <33
Thursday, January 31, 2013
25 things about me :)
I wasn't tagged or anything, but I am still pretty sick and I haven't been able to sleep, so I need to fill some time. :) I've been coughing so much all morning that my dad just brought me some cough drops downstairs cos he can hear me lol :)
1. I love music! I always have some going. I find songs I like in all genres (opera and classical even) but my favorite bands are The Strokes, Fall Out Boy, One Direction, and Good Charlotte. I love Of Mice & Men too, but my favorite song of the moment is True Love Waits by Radiohead. :))
2. I love cartoons! I don't think I will ever grow out of it. Adventure Time is my favorite but Fosters Home is on right now and I'm pretty happy about it. :)
3. I'm the oldest of four kids. :) maybe 5 if my dads wife gets her way hahaha. I have 2 sisters and a brother and I love em all.
4. I have an Internet addiction. :D
5. I'm addicted to cough drops. I can't help it, I just love them!
6. I love sports! The Steelers are my favorite in football, Penguins for hockey, Utah Jazz for basketball (since that's where i was born, raised, and still live) and I don't really have a baseball team because I'm just getting back into it. :)
7. I'm trying to teach myself guitar. It's not going well. I've been working on it for 8 years o.O But i have a very talented singer/guitar player friend named Rachel who said she'd teach me :) I love her :)
8. I'm finding it hard to come up with 25 things. Things are gonna get weird.
9. I swear A LOT. It's actually gone down quite a lot, but I still have the habit. (i just spelled it habbit. too much LOTR)
10. I am a Harry Potter fan. Huge. Potterhead forever!! So is my mom, and it's been a bonding thing for us since I was 8 :)
11. I drive a 1987 Jeep Cherokee that's been modified to have a truck bed rather than a trunk. Its pretty bad ass and all the boys love it, and are shocked to find a girl drives it and owns it. (it doesn't get me dates tho :/)
12. I'm super shy. Horribly shy and I hate it. I dunno how to fix it tho so I guess I'm just stuck.
13. I think I'm a nice person! And so do lots of people. I don't like being mean, I don't see a point in it unless a person is being awful, and even then I mostly just drop the kindness, but don't go out of my way to be rude.
14. I have horrible anxiety about everything. It's been this way since I was little and it makes it hard to enjoy life or look forward to anything, but I am working on changing this too. I want to be a better, more fun, less stressed person.
15. I love YouTube. My favorite YouTuber is AmazingPhil, followed closely by Crabstickz. Phil is too cute and funny and adorable and Chris is hilarious and cute and I love them both and spend quite a lot of time watching them :)
16. I love chocolate way too much.
17. I love pasta way too much. It's unhealthy how much i love pesto sauce and bow tie noodles, or any pasta dish and sauce really. Just not alfredo. Not a fan of that.
18. I have a sock obsession. I have close to (or maybe over) 100 pairs of socks. An entire drawer full plus some in another drawer and its not enough. I love crazy designed ones :) and my friends Rachel and Hilary got me socks for Christmas, as did a former co worker of mine cos its well known that I'm obsessed. my mom didn't get me any cos she says i have too many :(
19. I have small feet! i can wear a size 4 1\2 in kids, (tho in some brands i can wear a 6 or 7 and be ok) and need kids sized socks in order for them to fit right.
20. I'm the oldest kid and the shortest. My youngest sister just passed me in height over the last few months, and she's 13. I'm 5'2! :) which isn't that short but my parents and siblings are all 5'4-5'9, my brother being the tallest.
21. I was SUCH a weird kid. It's embarrassing to even think of the things I did.
22. I believe in ghosts. And aliens :) I think maybe it's cos it's just something interesting that i can't prove or disprove and watching or reading about it never gets boring :)
23. My mom pointed out that a lot of the men I think are good looking, look alike. She thought a picture of Phil was Rupert Grint with black hair. (Oh they're both so cute!)
24. I like to play board games! And I like to color in coloring books. :) I don't see it as a kid thing, I think it's perfectly fine to still do things you enjoyed when you were young. Age is just a number, you don't have to change just because a number gets higher.
25. I LOVE all things funny. Funny people, funny movies, funny anything. I love it. If a person is funny, I either fall in love with them or wanna be best friends forever with them. :) If someone is funny, they just seem easier to approach and get along with, and I think my brain just thinks "oh, if I'm sad, they'll cheer me up!" I think I'm pretty funny too, and spend a lot of time laughing at my own thoughts or words.
I think that's it. I am feeling quite chatty today, obviously. It's probably due to lack of sleep. :) '
bye for now!! <33
1. I love music! I always have some going. I find songs I like in all genres (opera and classical even) but my favorite bands are The Strokes, Fall Out Boy, One Direction, and Good Charlotte. I love Of Mice & Men too, but my favorite song of the moment is True Love Waits by Radiohead. :))
2. I love cartoons! I don't think I will ever grow out of it. Adventure Time is my favorite but Fosters Home is on right now and I'm pretty happy about it. :)
3. I'm the oldest of four kids. :) maybe 5 if my dads wife gets her way hahaha. I have 2 sisters and a brother and I love em all.
4. I have an Internet addiction. :D
5. I'm addicted to cough drops. I can't help it, I just love them!
6. I love sports! The Steelers are my favorite in football, Penguins for hockey, Utah Jazz for basketball (since that's where i was born, raised, and still live) and I don't really have a baseball team because I'm just getting back into it. :)
7. I'm trying to teach myself guitar. It's not going well. I've been working on it for 8 years o.O But i have a very talented singer/guitar player friend named Rachel who said she'd teach me :) I love her :)
8. I'm finding it hard to come up with 25 things. Things are gonna get weird.
9. I swear A LOT. It's actually gone down quite a lot, but I still have the habit. (i just spelled it habbit. too much LOTR)
10. I am a Harry Potter fan. Huge. Potterhead forever!! So is my mom, and it's been a bonding thing for us since I was 8 :)
11. I drive a 1987 Jeep Cherokee that's been modified to have a truck bed rather than a trunk. Its pretty bad ass and all the boys love it, and are shocked to find a girl drives it and owns it. (it doesn't get me dates tho :/)
12. I'm super shy. Horribly shy and I hate it. I dunno how to fix it tho so I guess I'm just stuck.
13. I think I'm a nice person! And so do lots of people. I don't like being mean, I don't see a point in it unless a person is being awful, and even then I mostly just drop the kindness, but don't go out of my way to be rude.
14. I have horrible anxiety about everything. It's been this way since I was little and it makes it hard to enjoy life or look forward to anything, but I am working on changing this too. I want to be a better, more fun, less stressed person.
15. I love YouTube. My favorite YouTuber is AmazingPhil, followed closely by Crabstickz. Phil is too cute and funny and adorable and Chris is hilarious and cute and I love them both and spend quite a lot of time watching them :)
16. I love chocolate way too much.
17. I love pasta way too much. It's unhealthy how much i love pesto sauce and bow tie noodles, or any pasta dish and sauce really. Just not alfredo. Not a fan of that.
18. I have a sock obsession. I have close to (or maybe over) 100 pairs of socks. An entire drawer full plus some in another drawer and its not enough. I love crazy designed ones :) and my friends Rachel and Hilary got me socks for Christmas, as did a former co worker of mine cos its well known that I'm obsessed. my mom didn't get me any cos she says i have too many :(
19. I have small feet! i can wear a size 4 1\2 in kids, (tho in some brands i can wear a 6 or 7 and be ok) and need kids sized socks in order for them to fit right.
20. I'm the oldest kid and the shortest. My youngest sister just passed me in height over the last few months, and she's 13. I'm 5'2! :) which isn't that short but my parents and siblings are all 5'4-5'9, my brother being the tallest.
21. I was SUCH a weird kid. It's embarrassing to even think of the things I did.
22. I believe in ghosts. And aliens :) I think maybe it's cos it's just something interesting that i can't prove or disprove and watching or reading about it never gets boring :)
23. My mom pointed out that a lot of the men I think are good looking, look alike. She thought a picture of Phil was Rupert Grint with black hair. (Oh they're both so cute!)
24. I like to play board games! And I like to color in coloring books. :) I don't see it as a kid thing, I think it's perfectly fine to still do things you enjoyed when you were young. Age is just a number, you don't have to change just because a number gets higher.
25. I LOVE all things funny. Funny people, funny movies, funny anything. I love it. If a person is funny, I either fall in love with them or wanna be best friends forever with them. :) If someone is funny, they just seem easier to approach and get along with, and I think my brain just thinks "oh, if I'm sad, they'll cheer me up!" I think I'm pretty funny too, and spend a lot of time laughing at my own thoughts or words.
I think that's it. I am feeling quite chatty today, obviously. It's probably due to lack of sleep. :) '
bye for now!! <33
Friday, January 25, 2013
What I've Been Up To Lately...
For the past five days, I have been quite ill. I have had the worst cold I have ever had in my life. It's been awful and it's still not over, though that could just be the drugs. My dads wife came home sick with a cold today too, (tho I don't know how she got it from me as I've been downstairs, away from everyone but my sister for a week.) so my dad headed off to the store in the middle of an ice rain storm to get medicine and juice. Alka-Seltzer tastes like the worst thing I can imagine but it really worked quite well, and I'm debating on drinking more in the morning so I can actually get up and do something. A shower is on the top of my list, followed by washing my sheets and blankets as I've just been in bed in the same pajamas for the first three days of this and I haven't had a shower since I got sick so yeah. :)
I'm hoping I feel better really soon, as I need to clean my room still. Apparently, the landlord is having the house appraised on Monday. Does that mean he's selling it? Are we going to have to move? Maybe a move would do good for me and my job hunting situation, but I still don't want to move. I like this town too much. Even though it's getting crazy here. I guess the swat team and possibly National Guard guys were out at a house where shots were fired? There's no news story on it yet, as we are a pretty small town, but I keep checking the news sites because they'll have it on eventually.
Ahhhhh my tumblr has quit working and it's making me sad. How else am I supposed to waste away the hours till I fall asleep?! Oh, I see. My wifi quit on me for a minute. Probably the ice...rain shit storm. Ice storm? It's supposed to snow all weekend. I like snow, so that's fine.
I had an important question or statement, but I forgot. I turned Panic! At the Disco on and forgot haha. Ugh my fever is coming back and I'm starting to cough again. I don't think I can drink that stuff again tho. Vile.
Well, since I can't remember my thought, I guess I will just wrap this up for now. Have a good day or night. Bye!<3
Oh p.s., I want to recommend a very talented, hilarious youtuber today, because he's cute and funny and one of my favorites. His name is Chris Kendall, look up Crabstickz. :) Hilarious. Bad Vet is a funny video, as is Internet Animal Impressions. :) (I don't know him at all, but he really deserves more views cos OMG he's funny.) Also, AmazingPhil, cos he's my future husband k.
I'm hoping I feel better really soon, as I need to clean my room still. Apparently, the landlord is having the house appraised on Monday. Does that mean he's selling it? Are we going to have to move? Maybe a move would do good for me and my job hunting situation, but I still don't want to move. I like this town too much. Even though it's getting crazy here. I guess the swat team and possibly National Guard guys were out at a house where shots were fired? There's no news story on it yet, as we are a pretty small town, but I keep checking the news sites because they'll have it on eventually.
Ahhhhh my tumblr has quit working and it's making me sad. How else am I supposed to waste away the hours till I fall asleep?! Oh, I see. My wifi quit on me for a minute. Probably the ice...rain shit storm. Ice storm? It's supposed to snow all weekend. I like snow, so that's fine.
I had an important question or statement, but I forgot. I turned Panic! At the Disco on and forgot haha. Ugh my fever is coming back and I'm starting to cough again. I don't think I can drink that stuff again tho. Vile.
Well, since I can't remember my thought, I guess I will just wrap this up for now. Have a good day or night. Bye!<3
Oh p.s., I want to recommend a very talented, hilarious youtuber today, because he's cute and funny and one of my favorites. His name is Chris Kendall, look up Crabstickz. :) Hilarious. Bad Vet is a funny video, as is Internet Animal Impressions. :) (I don't know him at all, but he really deserves more views cos OMG he's funny.) Also, AmazingPhil, cos he's my future husband k.
Monday, January 14, 2013
I just want to be normal. And I'm gonna try to be.
Hello. How are you? Good I hope. :) Well if anyone does read these, and if you've read my first blog, you'll know I said I wanted to use this as sort of a place to vent my feelings so that is exactly what this post is going to be.
I was going to make a YouTube video about it, but I know getting the words to come out of my mouth is a hell of a lot harder than getting them to come out on paper. (In this case, screen...paper. Whatever.) Plus, I will probably not even upload it and then my feelings will still be to myself which is what I'm trying to change. And I don't want the few viewers I have to be weirded out. (2 people I don't even know left very nice comments and I am super happy about it still!!!:))
To start off, I am certain I suffer from depression. I was diagnosed at age 7, and never really did anything to take care of it. And as I've gotten older, it's stayed about the same, save for a minor rough patch from the age of 12-15, though I was dealing with quite a lot then, and I'm sure some of it just comes with that age.
I'm also fairly certain I have anxiety problems. I have not had this diagnosed, as I'm terrified of doctors and I really don't want to be put on medication. But I have done some reading online, along with knowing that how I am is not normal and isn't at all how someone should live. I googled social anxiety symptoms (cos I feel like the social bit is what's holding me back the most) and I had all of them. I get anxious about all the things they listed, except for taking exams (I didn't worry about them in school ever cos I did well on tests).
And I'm not just meaning "I get nervous around new people, or on stage." I related to the "finding excuses not to go to parties or trying desperately to get out of any situation that would involve new people" bit. I do that. Even with my few friends that I have, I rarely go with them anywhere, and if I do, I just hope the entire time it's just us and they don't try to introduce me to anyone new. And I hate it. I hate sitting at home. I hate not having a best friend because I'm too scared to actually talk to people enough to get close to them. The one best friend I did have in high school wasn't shy at all, and she knew I was, and she was the one that talked to me first, that asked me to hang out. She understood, but now she's married and has kids and we just don't have much in common anymore. And my friends now, I feel like they think I don't like them that much because I don't ask them to hang out, or I don't make plans for our little day trips to Salt Lake. I can't. Literally, the thought of them saying 'no' terrifies me to no end and I don't know why. I know it's not them being rude. I KNOW that. But in my head, I'm thinking "they don't like me. They're just nice to me because they feel bad." And I know that's not true either, but I can't stop thinking it.
Then there's the people I don't know well. I'm really quiet when I first meet people, but if I start to feel comfortable around them, I open up and I can be myself and they realize I'm a really nice person, almost too nice a few of them have said. But I've also had these same people tell me that when they first met me, they thought I was a bitch, because I didn't talk to them or try to introduce myself. And I really wish people knew that all they have to do is say hi first and I will talk to them and I can try to be normal but the idea of going up to a person and saying 'hi' scares the living shit out of me and I panic and I just try to avoid it. All that I can think when I meet someone new is that they're gonna be mean, and they're gonna hate me.
It's not just that though. I have what I think are anxiety attacks sometimes. I mean, they are pretty rare, but when they happen it's awful. The last one was the day I quit my job, cos I was absolutely panicked about money and what people were gonna think of me and having to find a new job and job interviews. But before that, the last one was the last day of my senior year of high school. I had taken a ballroom dance class cos I like ballroom dance. But when I had got to class on the first day, I was not only the only senior in a class full of sophomores, but the boys were all those rude asshole jocks. So already i was scared. Then there was the fact that I was the largest girl in there and we had to do dips and it was just a really bad choice of class for me. But the teacher understood at least for a bit and didn't make me dance in front of the class by myself. Until the last day of school. I'm not sure what changed with her, but she told me to just do the dance test in front of EVERYONE in the class and it would be ok, I could do it. So I stood up, got in front of the kid I was supposed to dance with, my breathing a wreck and i felt dizzy, and then the next thing I knew I was out in the hall, running away from the class and sobbing. I seriously don't remember running out of the class, i just suddenly was out in the hall and trying to breathe again. I was so humiliated I didn't go back to get my shoes till after the class had ended and then I called my mom to come get me. What a way to end high school.
I just really want to get all of this out, which is why I'm typing this now. I don't talk about my feelings to anyone, cos it embarrasses me. Pathetic, being sad or scared or anxious embarrasses me. If people ask what's wrong, I just tell them that I'm tired. It shouldn't be like that but it is and I want to change. That is my 2013 goal, to not let my issues control my life. I don't want to be on medication. I know a lot of people on medicine for anxiety and I don't like what it does to them (side affect wise) I don't want to be a person who depends on pills to function. (My personal choice, I don't care if other people are on meds for it. I just am stubborn and really don't want to be.) I just want to be normal. I want to be a person who can get up for the day without worrying about possibly leaving the house. I want to be able to go places by myself and not need my sister to go to the store with me because I'm scared to go alone during busy hours. I want to be able to apply for jobs, as I need one right now and every time I turn in a job application, (online, of course.) I secretly hope they don't call and I stress that they will for days because the idea of going in for an interview scares me. Answering my phone to anyone but family scares me. Hanging out with my friends at the mall scares me. Seeing my own extended family that I've known my entire 21 and a half years scares me because I don't see them that often. I don't want this anymore. I'm going to change. I am going to get better. I am actually going to get out of bed and get dressed today. I am going to work on going out in public and I'm going to try my hardest not to constantly worry about what all these people around me are thinking. Cos it's most likely not about me. I think it is, but I KNOW it's not.
I am pretty good at hiding this, though. People just think I'm really shy. Which is true, if I feel like I know a person and they're nice, I open up and I can be loud and annoying and weird. I don't act all sad and mopey around people even tho that's how I feel a lot of the time. In fact, I've just been sat in the basement (which is where my room is) away from my family, not getting out of bed or anything, for about the past 3 weeks since I quit my job because I feel like I just don't want to deal with life and that's the best way to avoid it.
I am going to fix that tho! TODAY. I am gonna get some sleep, I am gonna wake up, I am gonna get out of bed and shower and get clothes on and straighten my hair, no more pulling it up into a bun and leaving it curly. I might even put make up on, who knows. :)
I watched a darling YouTuber called Zoella....bunch of numbers I can't remember,(just type Zoella into the search bar on YouTube) and she has a blog too. She has a video about anxiety and anxiety attacks, cos she suffers from it. But she also does vlogs that I love watching, because she doesn't let it stop her from getting out and doing things. She's such an inspiration to me. She just has this fun personality, you can tell just from watching her videos and she is out and about and in public and doing all these things and then you will see a tweet from her about her anxiety and she doesn't let it stop her. She's amazing and I want that. I want to have a fun life like her. I am so sick of this basement and even my house right now.
Anyway, I feel like I'm still a good person. I am kind to others, I really care about people, even strangers. I care a bit too much sometimes. I think I'm pretty freaking hilarious. I love to laugh. I love listening to people, letting them vent to me, even tho me trying to vent hasn't worked out in the past because I chose the wrong people to try to talk to. (Which might even be why I'm embarrassed by talking now, because who I tried to talk to in the past made me feel bad about feeling bad.) If anyone did read this, and they need someone to talk to, I am here. For real, I LOVE being there for people and feeling like I've done some good for someone. :)))
I painted my nails, and I actually really like them. I did black and then a sparkly layer with blue, pink, and purple sparkles. :)))
Anyway. Sorry this was so long. And I'm sorry I just let it all out. I feel dumb that I typed this. I am almost ready to not post it. But I'm gonna do it. Bottling things up probably isn't good for me. SOOOOOOOO until next time, which I will for sure try to make a much happier post, byyye!! <3
lol I have no one subscribed (is that the term for it?) to my blog so I don't even know if people will read it but just in case :D
I was going to make a YouTube video about it, but I know getting the words to come out of my mouth is a hell of a lot harder than getting them to come out on paper. (In this case, screen...paper. Whatever.) Plus, I will probably not even upload it and then my feelings will still be to myself which is what I'm trying to change. And I don't want the few viewers I have to be weirded out. (2 people I don't even know left very nice comments and I am super happy about it still!!!:))
To start off, I am certain I suffer from depression. I was diagnosed at age 7, and never really did anything to take care of it. And as I've gotten older, it's stayed about the same, save for a minor rough patch from the age of 12-15, though I was dealing with quite a lot then, and I'm sure some of it just comes with that age.
I'm also fairly certain I have anxiety problems. I have not had this diagnosed, as I'm terrified of doctors and I really don't want to be put on medication. But I have done some reading online, along with knowing that how I am is not normal and isn't at all how someone should live. I googled social anxiety symptoms (cos I feel like the social bit is what's holding me back the most) and I had all of them. I get anxious about all the things they listed, except for taking exams (I didn't worry about them in school ever cos I did well on tests).
And I'm not just meaning "I get nervous around new people, or on stage." I related to the "finding excuses not to go to parties or trying desperately to get out of any situation that would involve new people" bit. I do that. Even with my few friends that I have, I rarely go with them anywhere, and if I do, I just hope the entire time it's just us and they don't try to introduce me to anyone new. And I hate it. I hate sitting at home. I hate not having a best friend because I'm too scared to actually talk to people enough to get close to them. The one best friend I did have in high school wasn't shy at all, and she knew I was, and she was the one that talked to me first, that asked me to hang out. She understood, but now she's married and has kids and we just don't have much in common anymore. And my friends now, I feel like they think I don't like them that much because I don't ask them to hang out, or I don't make plans for our little day trips to Salt Lake. I can't. Literally, the thought of them saying 'no' terrifies me to no end and I don't know why. I know it's not them being rude. I KNOW that. But in my head, I'm thinking "they don't like me. They're just nice to me because they feel bad." And I know that's not true either, but I can't stop thinking it.
Then there's the people I don't know well. I'm really quiet when I first meet people, but if I start to feel comfortable around them, I open up and I can be myself and they realize I'm a really nice person, almost too nice a few of them have said. But I've also had these same people tell me that when they first met me, they thought I was a bitch, because I didn't talk to them or try to introduce myself. And I really wish people knew that all they have to do is say hi first and I will talk to them and I can try to be normal but the idea of going up to a person and saying 'hi' scares the living shit out of me and I panic and I just try to avoid it. All that I can think when I meet someone new is that they're gonna be mean, and they're gonna hate me.
It's not just that though. I have what I think are anxiety attacks sometimes. I mean, they are pretty rare, but when they happen it's awful. The last one was the day I quit my job, cos I was absolutely panicked about money and what people were gonna think of me and having to find a new job and job interviews. But before that, the last one was the last day of my senior year of high school. I had taken a ballroom dance class cos I like ballroom dance. But when I had got to class on the first day, I was not only the only senior in a class full of sophomores, but the boys were all those rude asshole jocks. So already i was scared. Then there was the fact that I was the largest girl in there and we had to do dips and it was just a really bad choice of class for me. But the teacher understood at least for a bit and didn't make me dance in front of the class by myself. Until the last day of school. I'm not sure what changed with her, but she told me to just do the dance test in front of EVERYONE in the class and it would be ok, I could do it. So I stood up, got in front of the kid I was supposed to dance with, my breathing a wreck and i felt dizzy, and then the next thing I knew I was out in the hall, running away from the class and sobbing. I seriously don't remember running out of the class, i just suddenly was out in the hall and trying to breathe again. I was so humiliated I didn't go back to get my shoes till after the class had ended and then I called my mom to come get me. What a way to end high school.
I just really want to get all of this out, which is why I'm typing this now. I don't talk about my feelings to anyone, cos it embarrasses me. Pathetic, being sad or scared or anxious embarrasses me. If people ask what's wrong, I just tell them that I'm tired. It shouldn't be like that but it is and I want to change. That is my 2013 goal, to not let my issues control my life. I don't want to be on medication. I know a lot of people on medicine for anxiety and I don't like what it does to them (side affect wise) I don't want to be a person who depends on pills to function. (My personal choice, I don't care if other people are on meds for it. I just am stubborn and really don't want to be.) I just want to be normal. I want to be a person who can get up for the day without worrying about possibly leaving the house. I want to be able to go places by myself and not need my sister to go to the store with me because I'm scared to go alone during busy hours. I want to be able to apply for jobs, as I need one right now and every time I turn in a job application, (online, of course.) I secretly hope they don't call and I stress that they will for days because the idea of going in for an interview scares me. Answering my phone to anyone but family scares me. Hanging out with my friends at the mall scares me. Seeing my own extended family that I've known my entire 21 and a half years scares me because I don't see them that often. I don't want this anymore. I'm going to change. I am going to get better. I am actually going to get out of bed and get dressed today. I am going to work on going out in public and I'm going to try my hardest not to constantly worry about what all these people around me are thinking. Cos it's most likely not about me. I think it is, but I KNOW it's not.
I am pretty good at hiding this, though. People just think I'm really shy. Which is true, if I feel like I know a person and they're nice, I open up and I can be loud and annoying and weird. I don't act all sad and mopey around people even tho that's how I feel a lot of the time. In fact, I've just been sat in the basement (which is where my room is) away from my family, not getting out of bed or anything, for about the past 3 weeks since I quit my job because I feel like I just don't want to deal with life and that's the best way to avoid it.
I am going to fix that tho! TODAY. I am gonna get some sleep, I am gonna wake up, I am gonna get out of bed and shower and get clothes on and straighten my hair, no more pulling it up into a bun and leaving it curly. I might even put make up on, who knows. :)
I watched a darling YouTuber called Zoella....bunch of numbers I can't remember,(just type Zoella into the search bar on YouTube) and she has a blog too. She has a video about anxiety and anxiety attacks, cos she suffers from it. But she also does vlogs that I love watching, because she doesn't let it stop her from getting out and doing things. She's such an inspiration to me. She just has this fun personality, you can tell just from watching her videos and she is out and about and in public and doing all these things and then you will see a tweet from her about her anxiety and she doesn't let it stop her. She's amazing and I want that. I want to have a fun life like her. I am so sick of this basement and even my house right now.
Anyway, I feel like I'm still a good person. I am kind to others, I really care about people, even strangers. I care a bit too much sometimes. I think I'm pretty freaking hilarious. I love to laugh. I love listening to people, letting them vent to me, even tho me trying to vent hasn't worked out in the past because I chose the wrong people to try to talk to. (Which might even be why I'm embarrassed by talking now, because who I tried to talk to in the past made me feel bad about feeling bad.) If anyone did read this, and they need someone to talk to, I am here. For real, I LOVE being there for people and feeling like I've done some good for someone. :)))
I painted my nails, and I actually really like them. I did black and then a sparkly layer with blue, pink, and purple sparkles. :)))
Anyway. Sorry this was so long. And I'm sorry I just let it all out. I feel dumb that I typed this. I am almost ready to not post it. But I'm gonna do it. Bottling things up probably isn't good for me. SOOOOOOOO until next time, which I will for sure try to make a much happier post, byyye!! <3
lol I have no one subscribed (is that the term for it?) to my blog so I don't even know if people will read it but just in case :D
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Saturday Night :)
Helllllo! I'm not gonna lie to ya, I am one of those people that just sits at home most nights, and that includes tonight. Which is why I'm blogging on a Saturday night.
It's not that I don't want to leave the house, cos really I do tonight. But I feel like asking my friends to hang out is bugging them, and I don't want to do that, so I wait for them to ask me. And a lot of the time they are out with other friends anyway so I just chill at home. It's not that bad, but nights like tonight, where I'm home with just my little brother, and I'm bored of everything including tumblr, it sucks. I wanna be out, doing something.
Though the chances of that are shit, as it's snowed nearly 2 feet in the past two days and the snow plows only plow the main roads for the police around here. No one's out. So I'm listening to sappy old country songs, and Garth Brooks, and arguing with a guy I know on facebook with one of my friends. Team work! He fights with us about everything. It's mostly just for fun tho :). We're talking about his concave chest. It's gross. I've seen it.
Lately I've been thinking about trying to find an actual career, as I haven't even gone to college or anything and I'm 21 and it's probably time to move out of my dads house. But I really don't know what I want to do. I use to want to be a writer, but my creativity has gone waaaay down since I graduated high school, and I never was a very good writer anyway. I can get amazing ideas, but I can't get them to come out right on paper. I rush through things to get to the big important parts and it ends up a mess. Plus, I read other people's stuff and there's just no point, as loads of people want to be writers now and most of them are a lot better than I am.
So I dunno what to do. I like working with kids but I don't want to be a teacher, and my social anxiety issues definitely make it hard to even talk to people, let alone stand in front of a bunch of them. I dunno. Blah I don't even care right now. I'm in a bad mood cos I couldn't sleep till nearly 9 this morning and then slept all day. No joke I woke up at 4:45 and I feel like I wasted a whole day. I'm fixing my sleep schedule dammit.
I'm hoping my cousin comes down soon. Then she'll make sure I'm up at a decent time :) And I will get to see my goddaughter! I miss her. I don't get to see her much cos they live an hour north and my Jeep is a piece of crap and won't make it that far. She's getting so big now, she's nearly 17 months old. I want to see her more so she actually recognizes me when I do see her.
That's us at her first birthday party in September :) Ahhhh she's too cute. And I miss my glasses. :/
Alrighty well, I feel like I've vented enough for today. I really hope the picture showed up. I'm shit at computers really. :)
Ok, well, bye for now! :D
It's not that I don't want to leave the house, cos really I do tonight. But I feel like asking my friends to hang out is bugging them, and I don't want to do that, so I wait for them to ask me. And a lot of the time they are out with other friends anyway so I just chill at home. It's not that bad, but nights like tonight, where I'm home with just my little brother, and I'm bored of everything including tumblr, it sucks. I wanna be out, doing something.
Though the chances of that are shit, as it's snowed nearly 2 feet in the past two days and the snow plows only plow the main roads for the police around here. No one's out. So I'm listening to sappy old country songs, and Garth Brooks, and arguing with a guy I know on facebook with one of my friends. Team work! He fights with us about everything. It's mostly just for fun tho :). We're talking about his concave chest. It's gross. I've seen it.
Lately I've been thinking about trying to find an actual career, as I haven't even gone to college or anything and I'm 21 and it's probably time to move out of my dads house. But I really don't know what I want to do. I use to want to be a writer, but my creativity has gone waaaay down since I graduated high school, and I never was a very good writer anyway. I can get amazing ideas, but I can't get them to come out right on paper. I rush through things to get to the big important parts and it ends up a mess. Plus, I read other people's stuff and there's just no point, as loads of people want to be writers now and most of them are a lot better than I am.
So I dunno what to do. I like working with kids but I don't want to be a teacher, and my social anxiety issues definitely make it hard to even talk to people, let alone stand in front of a bunch of them. I dunno. Blah I don't even care right now. I'm in a bad mood cos I couldn't sleep till nearly 9 this morning and then slept all day. No joke I woke up at 4:45 and I feel like I wasted a whole day. I'm fixing my sleep schedule dammit.
I'm hoping my cousin comes down soon. Then she'll make sure I'm up at a decent time :) And I will get to see my goddaughter! I miss her. I don't get to see her much cos they live an hour north and my Jeep is a piece of crap and won't make it that far. She's getting so big now, she's nearly 17 months old. I want to see her more so she actually recognizes me when I do see her. That's us at her first birthday party in September :) Ahhhh she's too cute. And I miss my glasses. :/
Alrighty well, I feel like I've vented enough for today. I really hope the picture showed up. I'm shit at computers really. :)
Ok, well, bye for now! :D
Friday, January 11, 2013
Complaints and House
I need some help with this. I have a friend, and she sort of drives me nuts. She's one of those people who love attention and love to complain, and every time I talk to her all she does is whine about whatever problem she's having. Like, that is the ONLY reason she talks to me. And now I've run out of ways to say "I'm sorry, that sucks." which i say numerous times when she's texting me. I tried "That's horrible" but it wasn't actually that horrible, what was going on, so I just didn't feel right using it a lot. I dunno.
Also, I love being there for people, being a good friend and listening, but holy hell why do I let EVERYONE come to me to just complain. I really think that's all my friends come to me for sometimes.
Well, no, I do have 3 friends that rarely tell me of their problems, cos they're like me and would just rather keep that stuff to themselves (which is why I come to a blog to do my complaining, as it's only me that reads this pretty much but just in case someone else does read it, I do write it out so it's not like a journal entry. :]). But I wish i could just stand up for myself and not let people do that to me all the time. It's like they're just using me.
Anyway, I only just learned that every time is not one word. Thanks spell check. Why did I think it was one word? And why was I never told it isn't? I graduated high school, you'd think a teacher would have caught it and told me. Weird.
I'm watching House, and while medical shows make me sick and a bit panicky, I can't stop watching. It's the same with Supernatural. It was on this morning while I was trying to fall asleep but I couldn't stop watching even tho I was both terrified and very tired. Ew I really need to not watch this show holy shit blood.
I really wanted chocolate milk but now I'm not so sure. Why am I so squeamish?
Annnnyway. I think that about wraps up today's feelings and thoughts and junk. So...till next time, bye! <33
Also, I love being there for people, being a good friend and listening, but holy hell why do I let EVERYONE come to me to just complain. I really think that's all my friends come to me for sometimes.
Well, no, I do have 3 friends that rarely tell me of their problems, cos they're like me and would just rather keep that stuff to themselves (which is why I come to a blog to do my complaining, as it's only me that reads this pretty much but just in case someone else does read it, I do write it out so it's not like a journal entry. :]). But I wish i could just stand up for myself and not let people do that to me all the time. It's like they're just using me.
Anyway, I only just learned that every time is not one word. Thanks spell check. Why did I think it was one word? And why was I never told it isn't? I graduated high school, you'd think a teacher would have caught it and told me. Weird.
I'm watching House, and while medical shows make me sick and a bit panicky, I can't stop watching. It's the same with Supernatural. It was on this morning while I was trying to fall asleep but I couldn't stop watching even tho I was both terrified and very tired. Ew I really need to not watch this show holy shit blood.
I really wanted chocolate milk but now I'm not so sure. Why am I so squeamish?
Annnnyway. I think that about wraps up today's feelings and thoughts and junk. So...till next time, bye! <33
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