Hello. How are you? Good I hope. :) Well if anyone does read these, and if you've read my first blog, you'll know I said I wanted to use this as sort of a place to vent my feelings so that is exactly what this post is going to be.
I was going to make a YouTube video about it, but I know getting the words to come out of my mouth is a hell of a lot harder than getting them to come out on paper. (In this case, screen...paper. Whatever.) Plus, I will probably not even upload it and then my feelings will still be to myself which is what I'm trying to change. And I don't want the few viewers I have to be weirded out. (2 people I don't even know left very nice comments and I am super happy about it still!!!:))
To start off, I am certain I suffer from depression. I was diagnosed at age 7, and never really did anything to take care of it. And as I've gotten older, it's stayed about the same, save for a minor rough patch from the age of 12-15, though I was dealing with quite a lot then, and I'm sure some of it just comes with that age.
I'm also fairly certain I have anxiety problems. I have not had this diagnosed, as I'm terrified of doctors and I really don't want to be put on medication. But I have done some reading online, along with knowing that how I am is not normal and isn't at all how someone should live. I googled social anxiety symptoms (cos I feel like the social bit is what's holding me back the most) and I had all of them. I get anxious about all the things they listed, except for taking exams (I didn't worry about them in school ever cos I did well on tests).
And I'm not just meaning "I get nervous around new people, or on stage." I related to the "finding excuses not to go to parties or trying desperately to get out of any situation that would involve new people" bit. I do that. Even with my few friends that I have, I rarely go with them anywhere, and if I do, I just hope the entire time it's just us and they don't try to introduce me to anyone new. And I hate it. I hate sitting at home. I hate not having a best friend because I'm too scared to actually talk to people enough to get close to them. The one best friend I did have in high school wasn't shy at all, and she knew I was, and she was the one that talked to me first, that asked me to hang out. She understood, but now she's married and has kids and we just don't have much in common anymore. And my friends now, I feel like they think I don't like them that much because I don't ask them to hang out, or I don't make plans for our little day trips to Salt Lake. I can't. Literally, the thought of them saying 'no' terrifies me to no end and I don't know why. I know it's not them being rude. I KNOW that. But in my head, I'm thinking "they don't like me. They're just nice to me because they feel bad." And I know that's not true either, but I can't stop thinking it.
Then there's the people I don't know well. I'm really quiet when I first meet people, but if I start to feel comfortable around them, I open up and I can be myself and they realize I'm a really nice person, almost too nice a few of them have said. But I've also had these same people tell me that when they first met me, they thought I was a bitch, because I didn't talk to them or try to introduce myself. And I really wish people knew that all they have to do is say hi first and I will talk to them and I can try to be normal but the idea of going up to a person and saying 'hi' scares the living shit out of me and I panic and I just try to avoid it. All that I can think when I meet someone new is that they're gonna be mean, and they're gonna hate me.
It's not just that though. I have what I think are anxiety attacks sometimes. I mean, they are pretty rare, but when they happen it's awful. The last one was the day I quit my job, cos I was absolutely panicked about money and what people were gonna think of me and having to find a new job and job interviews. But before that, the last one was the last day of my senior year of high school. I had taken a ballroom dance class cos I like ballroom dance. But when I had got to class on the first day, I was not only the only senior in a class full of sophomores, but the boys were all those rude asshole jocks. So already i was scared. Then there was the fact that I was the largest girl in there and we had to do dips and it was just a really bad choice of class for me. But the teacher understood at least for a bit and didn't make me dance in front of the class by myself. Until the last day of school. I'm not sure what changed with her, but she told me to just do the dance test in front of EVERYONE in the class and it would be ok, I could do it. So I stood up, got in front of the kid I was supposed to dance with, my breathing a wreck and i felt dizzy, and then the next thing I knew I was out in the hall, running away from the class and sobbing. I seriously don't remember running out of the class, i just suddenly was out in the hall and trying to breathe again. I was so humiliated I didn't go back to get my shoes till after the class had ended and then I called my mom to come get me. What a way to end high school.
I just really want to get all of this out, which is why I'm typing this now. I don't talk about my feelings to anyone, cos it embarrasses me. Pathetic, being sad or scared or anxious embarrasses me. If people ask what's wrong, I just tell them that I'm tired. It shouldn't be like that but it is and I want to change. That is my 2013 goal, to not let my issues control my life. I don't want to be on medication. I know a lot of people on medicine for anxiety and I don't like what it does to them (side affect wise) I don't want to be a person who depends on pills to function. (My personal choice, I don't care if other people are on meds for it. I just am stubborn and really don't want to be.) I just want to be normal. I want to be a person who can get up for the day without worrying about possibly leaving the house. I want to be able to go places by myself and not need my sister to go to the store with me because I'm scared to go alone during busy hours. I want to be able to apply for jobs, as I need one right now and every time I turn in a job application, (online, of course.) I secretly hope they don't call and I stress that they will for days because the idea of going in for an interview scares me. Answering my phone to anyone but family scares me. Hanging out with my friends at the mall scares me. Seeing my own extended family that I've known my entire 21 and a half years scares me because I don't see them that often. I don't want this anymore. I'm going to change. I am going to get better. I am actually going to get out of bed and get dressed today. I am going to work on going out in public and I'm going to try my hardest not to constantly worry about what all these people around me are thinking. Cos it's most likely not about me. I think it is, but I KNOW it's not.
I am pretty good at hiding this, though. People just think I'm really shy. Which is true, if I feel like I know a person and they're nice, I open up and I can be loud and annoying and weird. I don't act all sad and mopey around people even tho that's how I feel a lot of the time. In fact, I've just been sat in the basement (which is where my room is) away from my family, not getting out of bed or anything, for about the past 3 weeks since I quit my job because I feel like I just don't want to deal with life and that's the best way to avoid it.
I am going to fix that tho! TODAY. I am gonna get some sleep, I am gonna wake up, I am gonna get out of bed and shower and get clothes on and straighten my hair, no more pulling it up into a bun and leaving it curly. I might even put make up on, who knows. :)
I watched a darling YouTuber called Zoella....bunch of numbers I can't remember,(just type Zoella into the search bar on YouTube) and she has a blog too. She has a video about anxiety and anxiety attacks, cos she suffers from it. But she also does vlogs that I love watching, because she doesn't let it stop her from getting out and doing things. She's such an inspiration to me. She just has this fun personality, you can tell just from watching her videos and she is out and about and in public and doing all these things and then you will see a tweet from her about her anxiety and she doesn't let it stop her. She's amazing and I want that. I want to have a fun life like her. I am so sick of this basement and even my house right now.
Anyway, I feel like I'm still a good person. I am kind to others, I really care about people, even strangers. I care a bit too much sometimes. I think I'm pretty freaking hilarious. I love to laugh. I love listening to people, letting them vent to me, even tho me trying to vent hasn't worked out in the past because I chose the wrong people to try to talk to. (Which might even be why I'm embarrassed by talking now, because who I tried to talk to in the past made me feel bad about feeling bad.) If anyone did read this, and they need someone to talk to, I am here. For real, I LOVE being there for people and feeling like I've done some good for someone. :)))
I painted my nails, and I actually really like them. I did black and then a sparkly layer with blue, pink, and purple sparkles. :)))
Anyway. Sorry this was so long. And I'm sorry I just let it all out. I feel dumb that I typed this. I am almost ready to not post it. But I'm gonna do it. Bottling things up probably isn't good for me. SOOOOOOOO until next time, which I will for sure try to make a much happier post, byyye!! <3
lol I have no one subscribed (is that the term for it?) to my blog so I don't even know if people will read it but just in case :D
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