life.

ok. so. things aren't going well at all. I'm being kicked out by my dad this week. I have a place to go, my moms, but she doesn't have internet, i have no phone, and neither of us have a car. Or money. so job finding is going to be MUCH harder than it already is. And my anxiety is kicking my ass completely, which sucks. I had so much hope for a bit that it was going to get better and it just isn't and the depression has come back worse than ever and I just am in a really low place right now. I don't want to move. I'm gonna miss my little sister. i wont have her to talk to anymore, or hang out with. I am especially sad about moving away from my dog. Hes the only thing i even look forward to seeing anymore when I'm away from the house. I think he can tell I'm leaving soon too, cos he doesn't leave me alone now and it breaks my heart. Like i feel like he is the only thing keeping me sane, and that's so dumb cos hes just a dog, but its true. 

I tried to tell my dad about my anxiety when i was going to be interviewing for the daycare I worked at and started to have a panic attack in front of him. He told me to grow up and that its all in my head, which yeah that's cool way to be helpful. I just want to be normal. I don't really know whats going on, but my chest is like achy sometimes when i get really sad. Like i can feel all things happy being sucked into this big hole in my chest and it sucks and i cant be happy anymore. I am a person who loves laughing and being around people, and lately i have to fake to even be excited to see my friends and I've been snippy with one of them and when we're out somewhere sometimes i go off into my thoughts of sad shit and they can tell by my face and will ask if I'm ok and it takes so much energy to smile and say yeah. Because I'm not. I am really not ok. I don't know what happened, but since October last year I have just had bad luck with things, and I've been getting worse on all my mental shit and now I'm not going to have ANYONE to turn to. I've been telling people online about it, it's less awkward that way. And now I wont even have that. I wont have a way to contact my friends, and one of them is moving 20 minutes away for school, which seems like nothing till you have no way to contact them or get to them. 

I don't even feel like getting out of bed anymore, and i normally don't unless i have something to do. Like i have to pack everything i own tomorrow i guess. and then i have to leave my car here till i find a job because i cant drive it without insurance. I already got in trouble for that once, and i learned my lesson. I don't know what to do. And i know no one reads my blog posts. But if someone ever does, and you have some advice, please. I will take anything. I am so scared about what I'm gonna end up doing. I've lost the will to live i guess. I kinda stopped believing in God, which i used to. but now i don't i have prayed for help or an answer or anything and i have got nothing and I see so many people suffering. Why would God allow that, unless he isn't there to see it? I dunno. I just am not doing well anymore. I wasn't doing great to start with but now its pretty bad. anyway. I'm done. this will be my last post till i find a job and get internet unless maybe i just don't write here ever again. bye.

Oh yeah.

PS I MET PATRICK STUMP LAST MONTH. JUNE 23RD 2013. I DIDN'T CRY. Tho I did cry during the concert when Fall Out Boy first came out. <3 I love them so so so much.

(please excuse my ugliness I'm not even kidding I was sweating and it was like 98 degrees waiting in line and probably over 100 in the building so I was so shiny from sweat and I just looked gross sorry. He looks fucking perfect tho.)


We would make cute babies. If they looked like him. :)

shortest blog post i will ever write

My friends birthday party was today. I got a ride with her and her sister. On the way home, her nephew rode home with us and my friend went with some other friends. The nephew opened the back car door for me, scooted the car seat that was in there over, waited for me to get in, and then closed the door for me. I've never had that done for me before. It was probably THE nicest thing a male has ever done for me. I loved it too much, and thought about it the whole 25 minute drive home. The boy is 16, and knows how to treat women. That kid is going to make an AMAZING husband to a girl someday. Like, I will be jealous of the girl that snags him up cos she's getting a total sweetheart. The end.

Update on my life and whatnot.

So, long time, no...type. haha. It's ok, i haven't sat in front of a camera and filmed since December so I'm doing better here.

Mostly I just want to talk about what's gone on lately with me. I have gone back to having pretty bad anxiety days, but I am just trying to push through it. It's hard tho. Really hard. I have to find a new job, cos for one, this one doesn't pay enough at all, I still had to borrow money from my dad to pay my insurance yesterday, and for two, my boss is gonna move anyway and they are closing the daycare. (Which, I had to hear from my little brother, who is dating my boss's daughter. I guess my boss didn't want to tell us yet, even tho we could be finding different jobs but whatever.) Anyway, I'm in a bit of a panic about it, cos I am freaking horrible at applying for jobs, let alone going into a freaking interview. I just wish it wasn't so hard for me, but I know there are worse things I could be dealing with so...whatever I guess.

My friend and I were hanging out today, and she was saying how it would be fun if us and my other friend got an apartment or something for a bit, just to try it out, living on our own, and I'm super excited and really hope that it happens. Cos the other friend and I have been planning it, but we weren't really thinking the first friend would want to move, but she does! at least for a bit :) So I need a decent ish job at least. And it would be fun, living with my friends and not having rules, decorating our way haha. I want it to happen. :)

Also, this is gonna be a super busy month for me, so I am SUPER hoping that my boss has me work more. I need 2 tickets for Warped tour on the 29th, one for my sister as her birthday present, and the other for me haha. I might ask my dad for that tho cos I really am broke. And my birthday is on the 18th. Not so fun but whatever. Leads up to better things like the 21st! My friend is having a birthday party for me! I'm excited. Then the 22nd is FALL OUT BOY!!!! :D <3 I think I might cry. And the 25th, my family is going to see Josh Turner, and my step mom has VIP tickets so that's cool.

So yeah. That's about the only cool things in my life, and then the whole anxiety came back bull crap. It was a nice 2 days tho, not being as worried about things, not having that horrible "everyone hates me, every one's looking at me, every one's watching me" thing. A very good 2 days.

Alrighty well, have a good one, and thanks for reading!

I deserve all the junk food I ate today I think.

Gonna try to keep this short. So lately, I've been working at my brothers' girlfriends' mom's daycare. Haha mouthful. But I like it, and I like the kids still even tho it's been two weeks of tantrums and poopy, snotty, dirty kids. :) They just are cute and say and do the sweetest and funniest things. :) Sometimes.

Anyway, payday was today, and my boss wrote us checks. I'm used to a big corporation that just sends out printed checks that I make family cash for me, so I panicked and thought I couldn't cash that, because I don't have a bank account. I have been way too scared to go get one. I'm almost 22, and have been working since 17, and still didn't have one. Until today! I had a short panic, and then, I decided to go after work to get an account, and not let anxiety and nerves get to me. 

I've already been driving LOADS now, not as scared as I used to be of it. (It's out of necessity tho, which was good for me I think. It MADE me drive more that way. The center is a town over, and I go on a busy road :]) And then today, I walked in to the bank and got an account. Granted, my mom had to come with me to keep me calm and do SOME of the talking. (Not all of it like I had planned tho, I did pretty good.) But still. She has been telling me for years to get one, and today I decided I wasn't having any of my anxiety's bullshit. I had a good day when it came to that. I ordered my own food. I paid for my Wal-Mart stuff. I tried on a shirt (that I ended up hating) I drove on main roads. I got a fucking bank account and talked to the fucking bank lady. I did it.

I hope I can keep this up. I love feeling like this. I still was nervous and got a sick feeling when it came time to do all this, nerves getting me for sure. But once it was done and I drove all over town and all sorts of shit I normally beg others to do, I felt really decent. I needed a day like today. I'm very thankful I had it. Even tho I got a sunburn. Taking sunscreen to work next time for sure. 

Song of the day is Sunburn by Muse. I feel like I might have done this song before, maybe not on here tho. (But maybe on here. Sorry if it's a repeat. Listen to it anyway, it's that good.) Alrighty well. Have a good one! <3

PS I was just reading this over for major spelling and grammar errors, and I saw that the song of the day is Sunburn, on the day that I got one. I didn't plan that, but it's funny cos once I got off work, I wanted to hear that song, even tho I wasn't even thinking about my actual burn yet haha.

I love my dog now...and a few random ranty bits.

Skip a few paragraphs for the random bits if you want, cos the first chunk is about my dog. :)  And I'm sure it's not interesting to anyone but me. :D

I am not an animal person, at all. I don't like people's pets, I didn't like my step-mothers dog, and I REALLY didn't like the new dog we got after Riley had to be put down in July. We got a little wiener dog-ish dog, I'm sure there's an actual name for him but i have no idea. His name is Slinky. For the record tho, I am VERY against harming animals, animal abusers should be killed in my opinion, and if being a vegetarian wasn't so expensive, I would be. (I was one for 4 years when I was younger, so I know it costs a lot.)  

Anyway, the last few months, I have been warming up to him, since it's just me and him home during the day, and I'm asleep till 1 or 2 most days. (I don't sleep at night. I dunno what's wrong with me.) And Slinky is a pretty lazy dog, he loves to sleep or lay around all day and night. When he used to jump up into my bed while I was sleeping, I would make him leave. But since it's just been me and him, I let him now cos I feel bad. He loves my brother, and my brother always had him close by. But now he's got a girlfriend, so he's never home, and poor Slinky lost his buddy. Also, my mom told me Slinky has the brain of a 2-4 year old and now I can't stop picturing him as a little toddler, just wanting to play and nap. 

 So yeah, it's weird for me and everyone I know that I like a dog, and carry him around wrapped up in a blanket like a baby. (He likes it, I promise. He LOVES blankets.) And I miss him when I go with my friends or when my step-mother locks him in her room at night. (I think she's jealous he likes us kids better than her.) And now I look at all dogs and want to just pet them and love them. Slinky has changed my heart I think. :D For the better, I hope. 

<  Slinky's Halloween costume
   Slinky being a majestic couch princess.>

So yeah, dog rant aside, there was a petition to get the ban on Kinder Eggs in the US dropped. I don't think it got near enough signatures to work, tho I wish it did. My friends have got them (either on vacation or a sneaky relative has sent them.) and they keep telling me how good the chocolate is, and show me their fun toys inside. I think it's so dumb they aren't allowed here. Don't give your kids something small that says it has a prize inside. You know that prize is gonna be even smaller. Don't be stupid. I feel like I'm missing out on everything nice, and I have never in my life been on vacation and definitely can't afford one anytime soon, so it sucks that I won't ever be getting one.

My friend Cassie has started doing YouTube vlogs, and Cece wants to start too. So now I have friends I can talk to about filming and also film with. :) Hilary and Rachel have been very kind to let me film them and our adventures, but I think they think I'm weird for doing so, even tho Hilary does watch some YouTube videos that I share. (Like Crabstickz. :D) So yeah, having friends that know is nice. Even tho none of us are like, full time, loads of viewers whatever. I just do it for fun. I like filming my memories. I like editing it. I like when people watch my stuff. I dunno. 

Anyway, I think I will wrap this up. Song of the day is Anywhere But Here by Mayday Parade. Great song. Also, Fall Out Boy leaked their album a week early and you can listen to it for FREE on soundcloud, which I would recommend doing because it is AMAZING. And a YouTuber I have been watching (a bit obsessively, really.) is Sprinkleofglitter. (Louise) She's really funny and real about things, and shares a lot of her life which I like a lot, and has such a cute daughter and I just really love her. I think besides Dan and Phil, I would most like to meet her. And Zoe. :) She has a blog on here too, but I don't know how to link or I would. She does beauty, life vlogs, talks about things people want to talk about. (Her having a baby story has made me think twice about wanting kids anytime soon, the poor girl.) But yeah check her out. :) Search sprinkleofglitter blog and I'm sure you'll find it, or there's a link on her YouTube channel. Ok I probably should go to bed. I always get chatty when I'm tired. Ok. Bye for now! Have a good day!

Color Fest 2013

I went to the annual Festival of Colors at the Sri Sri Radha Krishna Temple, which is a town over from me, yesterday. I was and still am feeling much better about things after talking to my friend, and getting out with my other friends helped a lot more. It was really a lot of fun! It was my first time there, as well as one of my friends, so we really didn't know what to expect. 

Her dad dropped us off in the middle of the street since the traffic kept stopping, and we followed a crowd into the line where we paid to get in. Then we waited for our other friend Rachel, who had brought along a school friend since they had left early. We didn't know there were 2 entrances so we waited a long time before deciding to go in and look for her. We didn't expect the literally THOUSANDS of people wandering around, throwing colorful dust at us. 
                                                                                                                                                             
First, a guy walked up and threw some green on us, cos we were too naked or something. So we were excited to have some color and happy about it all. Then we continued to walk on, and I passed a man with his daughter on his shoulders. She looked down and dumped her bag of yellow dust onto my head, which was awesome. :) And from there, it's just people throwing color at you as you pass, or coming up to you and asking if they can put some on ya. My favorite was when we had been inside for just a minute, some guy walking passed me ran his hand along my cheek and chin, saying "You're beautiful." and smearing purple across it all. It was so funny and kinda scary to me cos I'm so shy, but it helped prepare me for what was to come with people just walking up touching you or throwing color at you. 


Hilary, Me, Camber, and Cece
 
We found some girls I know that I'm starting to be friends with, and we were with them for a while. At the bottom of this hill, there was a stage set, and a band playing some sort of music, with the singer shouting out "Peace!" and "You all look so beautiful!" and stuff like that, and I felt like a hippie kind of :) I threw my dust on random people and wasnt even shy about it. The cutest thing was this really small girl, probably 2 or 3, had a handful of dust, and her mom told her to go put it on someone. So she ran up to me and smacked it on my butt, cos thats where she could reach and I had my back to her. It was so funny, and her mom was like "oh shit." but I just smiled to let her know i didn't mind at all. 

Then the big color throw came, which is where the stage guys countdown every 2 hours, and everyone throws their colors in the air. There's loads of really awesome pictures online if you want to look it up, but I didn't get a very good one cos I'm really short, and I don't want to steal someone's picture to put on here hahaha. (I am making a color fest vlog tho, if you ever wanna look me up on youtube :]]) Rachel and her friend had to leave, so Hilary and I just decided to walk around, telling my other friends we would meet up later. We got frozen yogurt, which I had never tried. I don't think I will go back to ice cream. Vanilla frozen yogurt is pure heaven on a spoon.                                                           
                
      My face when I got home.                                                                         My hair :) I like it that way:)
We decided to leave, and my other friends came at the same time. I really like them. I met them through my friend that really helped me the other night, and they have been nothing but nice to me since I met them. :) They are lovely girls. Hilary's mom came to pick us up, and had to put blankets in her car cos we were a MESS. Showering it all off was pure hell, and it stained my hands, wrist, and face. I had a beard and a Hitler stache, and a smudge of purple across my cheek after scrubbing my face twice. I finally got it all off, and out of my hair, and then got ready to go to Hilary's for S'mores. We tried to build a fire but her boyfriend had to come out and do it for us, and when Rachel showed up it started dying. We had hot dogs with cheese in them, (well, Hilary and I did, cos Rachel is a vegetarian.) and some Corona's, my new favorite drink. (Rachel didn't have that either, she doesn't drink haha.) and we told funny stories and laughed and it was a good end to a good day, even tho the fire died completely and it was cold out. 

So it was a super good day, and I love my friends a lot and really appreciate them for taking me since my car isn't running, and I hate driving anyway :))  I haven't done a recommended music for a bit, so today it's a whole album. Comedown Machine by The Strokes just came out, and it is AMAZING. 80's Comedown Machine, Welcome To Japan, and One Way Trigger are my favorites. It's a bit different from older Strokes albums, and people are having fits over it, but if you have an open mind, you'll love it. Well, that's it for today. :) Bye for now. :)

Sort of a ranty journal entry ish type thing so you can skip it :)

Hello, it's been a bit. But I just really haven't felt much like writing. I dunno. I have been having a hard time with things lately, especially like, bad thoughts I guess. But I talked to a good friend yesterday, and she has sort of the same anxiety issues that I do. So for one, I was glad to know I am not alone, and that I'm not going insane. We kept bringing up things we worried about or thought about a lot, and then the other would say "Me too!" and it was just nice to hear that I am not alone in this. 
It has been really bad though. Like, I'm 21, and I feel like I'm a super hormonal, whiny teenager again. I went through this when I was 12-15 too, but I think that just comes with the age. Anxiety freaking sucks. If you don't have it, feel so blessed. It's awful. I literally cannot live a normal life. I want a job. I want to go places and not feel panicked and feel like everyone's staring at me. I want to be able to make phone calls. I want to order my own food. I don't do that often. In fact, last night I skipped dinner with my friends because they went to Subway and I couldn't bring myself to even go order a drink. I do ok just being in public, as long as I don't feel like people are looking at me a lot, or if I'm in a group of people I'm fine.
It sucks, and my family doesn't understand at all. My dad and brother just tell me I'm being lazy and don't want to find a job, and that I need to grow up. But they don't realize that I WANT A JOB. I want money, I hate not having money to pay my bills. I'm using my tax refund to make sure I keep up on rent and insurance and have been in a slight panic for MONTHS about what's going to happen when I run out of money. 
I just wish I could be a normal, outgoing person, who can make friends with anyone and not be terrified at the thought of having to deal with customers or whatever. I can't even go into a place and ask for an application. And I stress over the thought of an interview, which I know most people do, but, like, I lose sleep over things like that. I can't look people in the eye while talking unless I know them well. People think I'm a bitch when they meet me because I hardly talk and am quiet. My friends now have told me, that that is what they thought when they first met me. And of course, eventually I got used to them and I was talking and joking and stuff, but I hate knowing that people think I'm mean. I try so hard to be nice and polite. And I always think I'm doing a good job of it, but I guess I'm not. 
Anyway, I realized last night while talking to my friend, that I am not alone in feeling like this. And she's there if I want to talk. I really hate talking about feelings. In fact, this blog is the only place I have ever spilled my guts about things and I'm holding a lot back. But she's there if I need. And then today I was like, I don't wanna just be done with life, because my mom loves me. And she tries to understand and make me feel better, even tho she really doesn't know what's going on cause I don't tell her. But she tries. And I know my dad and siblings care about me, otherwise I wouldn't have a roof over my head and my siblings would just not talk to me. And I have my super amazing friend who bought me a Fall Out Boy ticket because she knows I love them, and she knows how I feel. And I have 2 other really great fantastic friends who come to get me from my house and get me out for a bit. I don't really tell them about things because they have loads of other stuff going and I don't wanna bother them, but I know they would be there if I needed. 
So I realized all of that, and how lucky I really am, and I really am trying to not let the crappy 'fuck my life' thoughts in because it's not a fuck my life thing. I have some sort of mental thing and it's making me feel crap, but other than that my life is pretty good. And I am lucky. And so grateful for my people.
So yeah that's just my little story of the month. I really just wanted to get this out of me, and I don't want to just stick it in a document where I will delete it. I want it to be somewhere where I can come and see it a lot and remember. So, I know I don't get many readers, but if you do read my things, thank you :) I would just like to ask, if you have had anxiety problems, especially social ones, cos that's where mine's just getting worse and worse, what have you done to help it? Besides medicine anyway, cos I can't afford a doctor hahaha. Nor do I wanna go to one :)) 
Ok well, that's all. I'm being distracted by Doctor Who right now. I'm gonna miss the new episode later today because I am going to the Color Fest, but I'm sure it will be on later :) Bye for now :)

Quick little YouTube excitement.

So I was looking through my videos on YouTube today, which I have 11, and like 3 or 4 are monetized. (I just clicked it before I knew what it really was hahah.) But I was looking at things, and it said I had actually earned money from people watching. 2 cents. Which, I definitely know isn't a lot at all, but still. I earned something off of content that I came up with, filmed, edited, and posted. Like, that 2 cents means so much to me and I don't even know why. I don't get many viewers at all, and I didn't expect to. I just vlog about my life, so I can remember things myself, and so that I could try to work on being so shy. I figured that if I could put myself on the internet, on a site that MILLIONS of people go to, then I should be able to not be so damn shy in front of one stranger. (That hasn't gone well at all, I am still quite shy.)

But anyway, yeah. That's my days excitement. My life has been basically the same since my last post, which kinda sucks cos that means I still feel kinda sad and lonely and whatever else junk I am feeling.

BUT!!! My cousin, who is the mother of my goddaughter, told me yesterday that her husband wants to come down this weekend and look for a place DOWN HERE!!! I could, possibly, be seeing my goddaughter EVERY DAY rather than just at Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, and her birthday in September. She is an entirely different baby every time I see her, so it will be nice to see her more if they do move down. I really hope they do.

I'm not even joking, she's so huge now. And I only saw her twice while she was still kinda small. They got her when she was a month old, and I met her a few weeks after that at Thanksgiving. Ahhh I just really hope that works out. I'm trying not to hope too much, cos I'm superstitious about things like that, but I can't help it. :)

This turned out loads longer than I wanted it too ahhaha. Anyway, till next time, have a good one!! <333

PS if anyone who reads this is going to Playlist Live this weekend, just know I AM SO JEALOUS. :) If you meet Phil, tell him I think he's awesome and that he should come meet me and we can get married and whatever :)) 

little update on things, mostly a rant.

So I got a new job at a gas station, which is what I thought I would love. Maybe I'm just really overwhelmed with all I had to learn yesterday, and all the people I had to deal with, but I REALLY hated it. It got to 10 last night and all I wanted to do was go home, and it was all I could do not to cry. Two of the ladies I work with were really nice and helpful, but the lady who trained me was sort of snippy and didnt show me as much as tell me what to do and have me do it. I just was a mess yesterday and couldn't remember anything. I already wanna quit, and I know people think I'm just lazy, but I put up with pure shit at my last job for 4 1/2 years, i know I'm not just being a whiner. It was awful.

I think a lot of it might be my anxiety. All that job is, is cleaning, and then helping people, talking to people. I don't mind the cleaning, so I did a lot of it last night. But the dealing with people bit was horrifying. Everyone that came in is used to chatty, bubbly people helping them, and there I was, shaking and quiet and awkward. Even some lady said "You're really quiet." in sort of a rude voice, even tho I was being really nice, and said hello and thank you to her. And the lady who was training me said I was too quiet, and it worries me. I know I'm not ever gonna be the outgoing type, (even tho I am a Gemini and my trait thing always says outgoing), but I wish I could just not be so nervous.

I know, I know, everyone has been saying "It was your first day! It will get better!" But I really don't know. I'm already overwhelmed and I can't remember anything I learned, and the thought of going back there is making me so nervous that I'm about to throw up. It's awful.

Anyway, I was talking to my dad about it all, and about how I wanna maybe start looking into online school, and I was just joking around with my sister, who is currently in school. She was doing an assignment and I was like "I'm never going to school. Too hard." And everyone laughed for a minute but then my step-mom said "Life is hard." I dunno about you, but I HATE hearing that. Why would you tell people that. They might already be struggling with things, and you're saying life is hard? Yes, I definitely want to live now, knowing that it's just gonna be hard and shitty forever. That's just what I need to hear.

I like it better when people say that things get better, and it's all worth it. But lately all I hear is how hard life is, and that you just work your life away and then die. That's not fun to me. What about that is worth it. I dunno, I think I have just been having a rough time with things lately. I am really dreading work hahaha. My dad would kill me if I quit tho, even tho it's only two days a week.

On my next day off, I'm gonna go look for jobs. I might just get back into pizza. I know how to do that, and it won't be as overwhelming. I dunno.

I can't really think of any other update-ey things. I am now addicted to Cafe Rio, thanks to my friends mom. No joke all I want is a chicken salad from there hahaha. I've been working on my writing a lot more lately, and one of my ideas is going well. I'm going to start scripting out another idea soon, that one of my friends wanted to make a movie out of but we just never got around to doing our parts haha. But I recently got back into contact with him so we'll see. :)

So yeah that's just my update and rant. :) have a good day. :) Talk to ya soon hopefully. :)

Samples and Tickets

Sooooooooooooooooooo my darling friend bought me a ticket to Fall Out Boy!!!! :D Even tho I didn't ask her to, and I said I couldn't pay for it and she knew I couldn't. Such a sweet girl. :)) (More than sweet but I feel like she would be uncomfortable if she saw how mushy I got about her :]) She's always been such an amazing friend, and we worked together at my old job, and we both quit because of the same shit boss, tho it was months apart. She used her babysitting money. I just can't thank her enough. 

I will pay her back, even tho she said not to. I will tho. We do that, pay for the other persons food or whatever and then don't allow a payback (even tho i normally hide the money in her car or something :]). But never something this huge so of course I feel even more guilty than normal but I will pay her back, when I find a job :))) I am very happy she got them and surprised me tho, and I nearly cried hahaha. :))) I want June to hurry :) 

Except I'll be 22 in June :( ugh I don't FEEL 22. I don't even feel 20. I still sometimes think im 18 or 19 for a minute before I realize how old I actually am. Most people my age in this town are married with kids. And I still live with my dad hahaha :))) 

Anyway, I found this free sample page thing that my mom had posted about on facebook, so I just filled in crap so I could get free samples of stuff. I don't know if they'll actually send anything, but it was worth a shot. I mostly just sent for perfume samples hahaha. I am addicted to smell goods :) I wish I could get free mascara, but I dunno how they would make a sample out of that. :/ If someone reading this has used a site like this before, do they actually work? Cos I'm not gonna lie, I wouldn't mind some free stuff right now. :))

So there's this guy named Tom Milsom, and he's a musician (no joke he's amazing and can play anything) from England. And he sometimes does covers of songs (He also writes his own and Cherub and All Of Me are my favorites. *All Of Me is probably only on tumblr right now but I recommend it GREATLY*) that I haven't heard of before and I end up LOVING the song. The original one, cos while his covers are amazing, 95% of the time, the original is better. (One case where this isn't true, is The Vamps cover of As Long As You Love Me by Bieber. They are a million times better.) Anyway. He did a cover of Angels by The xx, who I hadn't even heard of prior to this, and I was in love with the song immediately and had to get it from itunes. It happened again today with a Radiohead song (It's one of the songs by them I had just listened to once and not really payed attention, and missed out on it's amazing-ness) and I had to choose between it, True Love Waits which is also by Radiohead, or Fall Out Boy's new song, and this one won out. (I'm asking my sister to please get the other two and I will give her cash ahhaha) 

So today's song of the day is Nude by Radiohead. I can't stop listening to it!! Also another song I've been addicted to is Starlight by Muse. I have seriously listened to that around 500 times over the past 4 days. I don't even want to count but it's been over 100 times a days so I figure it has to be around that. I dunno why I love it so much. I just do. I used to not even like it that much so who knows what changed.

And today's recommended YouTuber is fancyclaps123. He's just getting started and he's hilarious, tho I think he's for more of an adult (or older teenager. I could handle penis jokes at a young age :]) or more mature-ish audience just due to the fact that he tells stories about his life experiences and some are just not things you normally share :)) So check out him, and those songs if you wanna :))) (I like recommending things, even tho I know most people don't just take recommendations unless they ask for it) 

I've started writing again, well, reading over a really long...story thing that I wrote a while back, and trying to find out where and how to pick up again. I've actually started reading over the 2nd one cos the 1st story I tried to get back into, I can't remember the smaller bits and ideas I had for it, and I don't want to mess up the plot. The 2nd one is longer anyway, and I had put way more into it, and I feel like it'll be easier to get back into :)) 

Ok well this has been a really long one, but I am in a chatty mood. So, till next time! Have a good one! <33

FALL OUT BOY IS BACK!! and this is all about it :)

If you haven't heard already, one of my most favorite bands, Fall Out Boy, is off hiatus FINALLY. It's seriously been years. 

I first got into them when I was 13 years old, and From Under The Cork Tree had just come out (which is when most people got into them, I know.) I remember falling madly in love with Patrick Stump, (Why did he get married and break my heart?!) while the rest of my friends swooned over Pete, and we all sat and talked about how good they were and how amazing Patrick's voice is. 

They went on hiatus when I was 18, and of course I was super sad, as they had become my top favorite band a little less than a year earlier.(Taking over Good Charlotte's place, where they had been since I was 11.) I never got to go to one of their concerts, cos when they came to town when I was 13, my parents wouldn't let me go, nor did I have a job to buy tickets. 

So, I was 18, and had a job, and then they went on hiatus and I was devastated. And then came the waiting time in which I eagerly clung onto the hope that they would be back, stalking their twitters and various music blogs to see if there were any rumors of an end. And there were rumors, but they didn't lead to anything and I was just like... :(. I started listening to The Strokes in January 2010 and just tried to accept that Fall Out Boy might never come out with a new album. (Which I failed at, cos even tho they said it might never happen, I knew they would all get together for music again eventually.)

Then all those rumors started last year, and I was excited. It was different from 2010 or 2011 rumors. Actual band guys were saying Fall Out Boy was gonna be back soon. Then the whole festival rumor happened and I was getting anxious and people on tumblr were tagging me in posts about how disappointed people were gonna be when nothing happened. (you can untag me now, cos I was right. ha ha ha, ha ha. HA.) But I held onto hope, and freaked out on twitter the night before they announced they were back, because some music page had said they were back for sure. Yes, I waited till the actual band announced it before I believed it, but still, the fact that so many people were saying "Yes, they're gonna tour soon, they've been writing songs" was exciting and fantastic. 

Then on the 4th of February, I woke up early (like 6:30 am early) for no good reason and couldn't get back to sleep, so I got on twitter. And 20 minutes later, Pete, Patrick, Joe, and Andy all tweeted that they were back, and here's a new song, and our albums coming in May, and here's a music video, and here's some tour dates for ya. I cried. I yelled and cried and my sister, who was just waking up for school, flipped me off and shut her door. She's not at all a morning person and she's terrible to deal with or try to talk to. I called my other sister and woke her up to tell her. I texted my mom. I went on all my social media sites (minus this one, I wasn't gonna make a post about this but it's too important.) and went nuts posting lyrics and reblogging or sharing the new song and video. It was the best day I've had in a long time. 

Not to mention, my other favorite band, The Strokes, released a new song a few days before, and they have an album coming out soon too and they might tour, which means I need a job pronto. I am asking for Fall Out Boy tickets for my birthday tho, cos they're coming on June 22nd, and my birthday is the 18th. It's been a good music time for me. 

Anyway, that's my Fall Out Boy hiatus end story. It's long and pointless but if you like Fall Out Boy and emotions then maybe you would like to read this. Mainly it's just for me to remember how I felt that day and what I did. My mom ended up calling me a few hours later and asking what I meant in my text, cos she forgot that Fall Out Boy is a band. :)  ANYWAYYYY have a good one! <33

25 things about me :)

I wasn't tagged or anything, but I am still pretty sick and I haven't been able to sleep, so I need to fill some time. :) I've been coughing so much all morning that my dad just brought me some cough drops downstairs cos he can hear me lol :)

1. I love music! I always have some going. I find songs I like in all genres (opera and classical even) but my favorite bands are The Strokes, Fall Out Boy, One Direction, and Good Charlotte. I love Of Mice & Men too, but my favorite song of the moment is True Love Waits by Radiohead. :))

2. I love cartoons! I don't think I will ever grow out of it. Adventure Time is my favorite but Fosters Home is on right now and I'm pretty happy about it. :)

3. I'm the oldest of four kids. :) maybe 5 if my dads wife gets her way hahaha. I have 2 sisters and a brother and I love em all.

4. I have an Internet addiction. :D

5. I'm addicted to cough drops. I can't help it, I just love them!

6. I love sports! The Steelers are my favorite in football, Penguins for hockey, Utah Jazz for basketball (since that's where i was born, raised, and still live) and I don't really have a baseball team because I'm just getting back into it. :)

7. I'm trying to teach myself guitar. It's not going well. I've been working on it for 8 years o.O But i have a very talented singer/guitar player friend named Rachel who said she'd teach me :) I love her :)

8. I'm finding it hard to come up with 25 things. Things are gonna get weird.

9. I swear A LOT. It's actually gone down quite a lot, but I still have the habit. (i just spelled it habbit. too much LOTR)

10. I am a Harry Potter fan. Huge. Potterhead forever!! So is my mom, and it's been a bonding thing for us since I was 8 :)

11. I drive a 1987 Jeep Cherokee that's been modified to have a truck bed rather than a trunk. Its pretty bad ass and all the boys love it, and are shocked to find a girl drives it and owns it. (it doesn't get me dates tho :/)

12. I'm super shy. Horribly shy and I hate it. I dunno how to fix it tho so I guess I'm just stuck.

13. I think I'm a nice person! And so do lots of people. I don't like being mean, I don't see a point in it unless a person is being awful, and even then I mostly just drop the kindness, but don't go out of my way to be rude.

14. I have horrible anxiety about everything. It's been this way since I was little and it makes it hard to enjoy life or look forward to anything, but I am working on changing this too. I want to be a better, more fun, less stressed person.

15. I love YouTube. My favorite YouTuber is AmazingPhil, followed closely by Crabstickz. Phil is too cute and funny and adorable and Chris is hilarious and cute and I love them both and spend quite a lot of time watching them :)

16. I love chocolate way too much.

17. I love pasta way too much. It's unhealthy how much i love pesto sauce and bow tie noodles, or any pasta dish and sauce really. Just not alfredo. Not a fan of that.

18. I have a sock obsession. I have close to (or maybe over) 100 pairs of socks. An entire drawer full plus some in another drawer and its not enough. I love crazy designed ones :) and my friends Rachel and Hilary got me socks for Christmas, as did a former co worker of mine cos its well known that I'm obsessed. my mom didn't get me any cos she says i have too many :(

19. I have small feet! i can wear a size 4 1\2 in kids, (tho in some brands i can wear a 6 or 7 and be ok) and need kids sized socks in order for them to fit right.

20. I'm the oldest kid and the shortest. My youngest sister just passed me in height over the last few months, and she's 13. I'm 5'2! :) which isn't that short but my parents and siblings are all 5'4-5'9, my brother being the tallest.

21. I was SUCH a weird kid. It's embarrassing to even think of the things I did.

22. I believe in ghosts. And aliens :) I think maybe it's cos it's just something interesting that i can't prove or disprove and watching or reading about it never gets boring :)

23. My mom pointed out that a lot of the men I think are good looking, look alike. She thought a picture of Phil was Rupert Grint with black hair. (Oh they're both so cute!)

24. I like to play board games! And I like to color in coloring books. :) I don't see it as a kid thing, I think it's perfectly fine to still do things you enjoyed when you were young. Age is just a number, you don't have to change just because a number gets higher.

25. I LOVE all things funny. Funny people, funny movies, funny anything. I love it. If a person is funny, I either fall in love with them or wanna be best friends forever with them. :) If someone is funny, they just seem easier to approach and get along with, and I think my brain just thinks "oh, if I'm sad, they'll cheer me up!" I think I'm pretty funny too, and spend a lot of time laughing at my own thoughts or words.

I think that's it. I am feeling quite chatty today, obviously. It's probably due to lack of sleep. :) '
bye for now!! <33

What I've Been Up To Lately...

For the past five days, I have been quite ill. I have had the worst cold I have ever had in my life. It's been awful and it's still not over, though that could just be the drugs. My dads wife came home sick with a cold today too, (tho I don't know how she got it from me as I've been downstairs, away from everyone but my sister for a week.) so my dad headed off to the store in the middle of an ice rain storm to get medicine and juice. Alka-Seltzer tastes like the worst thing I can imagine but it really worked quite well, and I'm debating on drinking more in the morning so I can actually get up and do something. A shower is on the top of my list, followed by washing my sheets and blankets as I've just been in bed in the same pajamas for the first three days of this and I haven't had a shower since I got sick so yeah.  :)

I'm hoping I feel better really soon, as I need to clean my room still. Apparently, the landlord is having the house appraised on Monday. Does that mean he's selling it? Are we going to have to move? Maybe a move would do good for me and my job hunting situation, but I still don't want to move. I like this town too much. Even though it's getting crazy here. I guess the swat team and possibly National Guard guys were out at a house where shots were fired? There's no news story on it yet, as we are a pretty small town, but I keep checking the news sites because they'll have it on eventually.

Ahhhhh my tumblr has quit working and it's making me sad. How else am I supposed to waste away the hours till I fall asleep?! Oh, I see. My wifi quit on me for a minute. Probably the ice...rain shit storm. Ice storm? It's supposed to snow all weekend. I like snow, so that's fine.

I had an important question or statement, but I forgot. I turned Panic! At the Disco on and forgot haha. Ugh my fever is coming back and I'm starting to cough again. I don't think I can drink that stuff again tho. Vile.

Well, since I can't remember my thought, I guess I will just wrap this up for now. Have a good day or night. Bye!<3
Oh p.s., I want to recommend a very talented, hilarious youtuber today, because he's cute and funny and one of my favorites. His name is Chris Kendall, look up Crabstickz. :) Hilarious. Bad Vet is a funny video, as is Internet Animal Impressions. :) (I don't know him at all, but he really deserves more views cos OMG he's funny.) Also, AmazingPhil, cos he's my future husband k.

I just want to be normal. And I'm gonna try to be.

Hello. How are you? Good I hope. :) Well if anyone does read these, and if you've read my first blog, you'll know I said I wanted to use this as sort of a place to vent my feelings so that is exactly what this post is going to be.

I was going to make a YouTube video about it, but I know getting the words to come out of my mouth is a hell of a lot harder than getting them to come out on paper. (In this case, screen...paper. Whatever.) Plus, I will probably not even upload it and then my feelings will still be to myself which is what I'm trying to change. And I don't want the few viewers I have to be weirded out. (2 people I don't even know left very nice comments and I am super happy about it still!!!:))

To start off, I am certain I suffer from depression. I was diagnosed at age 7, and never really did anything to take care of it. And as I've gotten older, it's stayed about the same, save for a minor rough patch from the age of 12-15, though I was dealing with quite a lot then, and I'm sure some of it just comes with that age.

I'm also fairly certain I have anxiety problems. I have not had this diagnosed, as I'm terrified of doctors and I really don't want to be put on medication. But I have done some reading online, along with knowing that how I am is not normal and isn't at all how someone should live. I googled social anxiety symptoms (cos I feel like the social bit is what's holding me back the most) and I had all of them. I get anxious about all the things they listed, except for taking exams (I didn't worry about them in school ever cos I did well on tests).

And I'm not just meaning "I get nervous around new people, or on stage." I related to the "finding excuses not to go to parties or trying desperately to get out of any situation that would involve new people" bit. I do that. Even with my few friends that I have, I rarely go with them anywhere, and if I do, I just hope the entire time it's just us and they don't try to introduce me to anyone new. And I hate it. I hate sitting at home. I hate not having a best friend because I'm too scared to actually talk to people enough to get close to them. The one best friend I did have in high school wasn't shy at all, and she knew I was, and she was the one that talked to me first, that asked me to hang out. She understood, but now she's married and has kids and we just don't have much in common anymore. And my friends now, I feel like they think I don't like them that much because I don't ask them to hang out, or I don't make plans for our little day trips to Salt Lake. I can't. Literally, the thought of them saying 'no' terrifies me to no end and I don't know why. I know it's not them being rude. I KNOW that. But in my head, I'm thinking "they don't like me. They're just nice to me because they feel bad." And I know that's not true either, but I can't stop thinking it.

Then there's the people I don't know well. I'm really quiet when I first meet people, but if I start to feel comfortable around them, I open up and I can be myself and they realize I'm a really nice person, almost too nice a few of them have said. But I've also had these same people tell me that when they first met me, they thought I was a bitch, because I didn't talk to them or try to introduce myself. And I really wish people knew that all they have to do is say hi first and I will talk to them and I can try to be normal but the idea of going up to a person and saying 'hi' scares the living shit out of me and I panic and I just try to avoid it. All that I can think when I meet someone new is that they're gonna be mean, and they're gonna hate me.

It's not just that though. I have what I think are anxiety attacks sometimes. I mean, they are pretty rare, but when they happen it's awful. The last one was the day I quit my job, cos I was absolutely panicked about money and what people were gonna think of me and having to find a new job and job interviews. But before that, the last one was the last day of my senior year of high school. I had taken a ballroom dance class cos I like ballroom dance. But when I had got to class on the first day, I was not only the only senior in a class full of sophomores, but the boys were all those rude asshole jocks. So already i was scared. Then there was the fact that I was the largest girl in there and we had to do dips and it was just a really bad choice of class for me. But the teacher understood at least for a bit and didn't make me dance in front of the class by myself. Until the last day of school. I'm not sure what changed with her, but she told me to just do the dance test in front of EVERYONE in the class and it would be ok, I could do it. So I stood up, got in front of the kid I was supposed to dance with, my breathing a wreck and i felt dizzy, and then the next thing I knew I was out in the hall, running away from the class and sobbing. I seriously don't remember running out of the class, i just suddenly was out in the hall and trying to breathe again. I was so humiliated I didn't go back to get my shoes till after the class had ended and then I called my mom to come get me. What a way to end high school.

I just really want to get all of this out, which is why I'm typing this now. I don't talk about my feelings to anyone, cos it embarrasses me. Pathetic, being sad or scared or anxious embarrasses me. If people ask what's wrong, I just tell them that I'm tired. It shouldn't be like that but it is and I want to change. That is my 2013 goal, to not let my issues control my life. I don't want to be on medication. I know a lot of people on medicine for anxiety and I don't like what it does to them (side affect wise) I don't want to be a person who depends on pills to function. (My personal choice, I don't care if other people are on meds for it. I just am stubborn and really don't want to be.) I just want to be normal. I want to be a person who can get up for the day without worrying about possibly leaving the house. I want to be able to go places by myself and not need my sister to go to the store with me because I'm scared to go alone during busy hours. I want to be able to apply for jobs, as I need one right now and every time I turn in a job application, (online, of course.) I secretly hope they don't call and I stress that they will for days because the idea of going in for an interview scares me. Answering my phone to anyone but family scares me. Hanging out with my friends at the mall scares me. Seeing my own extended family that I've known my entire 21 and a half years scares me because I don't see them that often.  I don't want this anymore. I'm going to change. I am going to get better. I am actually going to get out of bed and get dressed today. I am going to work on going out in public and I'm going to try my hardest not to constantly worry about what all these people around me are thinking. Cos it's most likely not about me. I think it is, but I KNOW it's not.

I am pretty good at hiding this, though. People just think I'm really shy. Which is true, if I feel like I know a person and they're nice, I open up and I can be loud and annoying and weird. I don't act all sad and mopey around people even tho that's how I feel a lot of the time. In fact, I've just been sat in the basement (which is where my room is) away from my family, not getting out of bed or anything, for about the past 3 weeks since I quit my job because I feel like I just don't want to deal with life and that's the best way to avoid it.

I am going to fix that tho! TODAY. I am gonna get some sleep, I am gonna wake up, I am gonna get out of bed and shower and get clothes on and straighten my hair, no more pulling it up into a bun and leaving it curly. I might even put make up on, who knows. :)

 I watched a darling YouTuber called Zoella....bunch of numbers I can't remember,(just type Zoella into the search bar on YouTube) and she has a blog too. She has a video about anxiety and anxiety attacks, cos she suffers from it. But she also does vlogs that I love watching, because she doesn't let it stop her from getting out and doing things. She's such an inspiration to me. She just has this fun personality, you can tell just from watching her videos and she is out and about and in public and doing all these things and then you will see a tweet from her about her anxiety and she doesn't let it stop her. She's amazing and I want that. I want to have a fun life like her. I am so sick of this basement and even my house right now.

Anyway, I feel like I'm still a good person. I am kind to others, I really care about people, even strangers. I care a bit too much sometimes. I think I'm pretty freaking hilarious. I love to laugh. I love listening to people, letting them vent to me, even tho me trying to vent hasn't worked out in the past because I chose the wrong people to try to talk to. (Which might even be why I'm embarrassed by talking now, because who I tried to talk to in the past made me feel bad about feeling bad.) If anyone did read this, and they need someone to talk to, I am here. For real, I LOVE being there for people and feeling like I've done some good for someone. :)))

I painted my nails, and I actually really like them. I did black and then a sparkly layer with blue, pink, and purple sparkles. :)))

Anyway. Sorry this was so long. And I'm sorry I just let it all out. I feel dumb that I typed this. I am almost ready to not post it. But I'm gonna do it. Bottling things up probably isn't good for me. SOOOOOOOO until next time, which I will for sure try to make a much happier post, byyye!! <3

lol I have no one subscribed (is that the term for it?) to my blog so I don't even know if people will read it but just in case :D

Saturday Night :)

Helllllo! I'm not gonna lie to ya, I am one of those people that just sits at home most nights, and that includes tonight. Which is why I'm blogging on a Saturday night.

It's not that I don't want to leave the house, cos really I do tonight. But I feel like asking my friends to hang out is bugging them, and I don't want to do that, so I wait for them to ask me. And a lot of the time they are out with other friends anyway so I just chill at home. It's not that bad, but nights like tonight, where I'm home with just my little brother, and I'm bored of everything including tumblr, it sucks. I wanna be out, doing something. 

Though the chances of that are shit, as it's snowed nearly 2 feet in the past two days and the snow plows only plow the main roads for the police around here. No one's out. So I'm listening to sappy old country songs, and Garth Brooks, and arguing with a guy I know on facebook with one of my friends. Team work! He fights with us about everything. It's mostly just for fun tho :). We're talking about his concave chest. It's gross. I've seen it. 

Lately I've been thinking about trying to find an actual career, as I haven't even gone to college or anything and I'm 21 and it's probably time to move out of my dads house. But I really don't know what I want to do. I use to want to be a writer, but my creativity has gone waaaay down since I graduated high school, and I never was a very good writer anyway. I can get amazing ideas, but I can't get them to come out right on paper. I rush through things to get to the big important parts and it ends up a mess. Plus, I read other people's stuff and there's just no point, as loads of people want to be writers now and most of them are a lot better than I am. 

So I dunno what to do. I like working with kids but I don't want to be a teacher, and my social anxiety issues definitely make it hard to even talk to people, let alone stand in front of a bunch of them. I dunno. Blah I don't even care right now. I'm in a bad mood cos I couldn't sleep till nearly 9 this morning and then slept all day. No joke I woke up at 4:45 and I feel like I wasted a whole day. I'm fixing my sleep schedule dammit. 

I'm hoping my cousin comes down soon. Then she'll make sure I'm up at a decent time :) And I will get to see my goddaughter! I miss her. I don't get to see her much cos they live an hour north and my Jeep is a piece of crap and won't make it that far. She's getting so big now, she's nearly 17 months old. I want to see her more so she actually recognizes me when I do see her.

That's us at her first birthday party in September :) Ahhhh she's too cute. And I miss my glasses. :/

Alrighty well, I feel like I've vented enough for today. I really hope the picture showed up. I'm shit at computers really. :) 
Ok, well, bye for now! :D

Complaints and House

I need some help with this. I have a friend, and she sort of drives me nuts. She's one of those people who love attention and love to complain, and every time I talk to her all she does is whine about whatever problem she's having. Like, that is the ONLY reason she talks to me. And now I've run out of ways to say "I'm sorry, that sucks." which i say numerous times when she's texting me. I tried "That's horrible" but it wasn't actually that horrible, what was going on, so I just didn't feel right using it a lot. I dunno.

Also, I love being there for people, being a good friend and listening, but holy hell why do I let EVERYONE come to me to just complain. I really think that's all my friends come to me for sometimes. 

Well, no, I do have 3 friends that rarely tell me of their problems, cos they're like me and would just rather keep that stuff to themselves (which is why I come to a blog to do my complaining, as it's only me that reads this pretty much but just in case someone else does read it, I do write it out so it's not like a journal entry. :]). But I wish i could just stand up for myself and not let people do that to me all the time. It's like they're just using me. 

Anyway, I only just learned that every time is not one word. Thanks spell check. Why did I think it was one word? And why was I never told it isn't? I graduated high school, you'd think a teacher would have caught it and told me. Weird.

I'm watching House, and while medical shows make me sick and a bit panicky, I can't stop watching. It's the same with Supernatural. It was on this morning while I was trying to fall asleep but I couldn't stop watching even tho I was both terrified and very tired. Ew I really need to not watch this show holy shit blood. 

I really wanted chocolate milk but now I'm not so sure. Why am I so squeamish? 

Annnnyway. I think that about wraps up today's feelings and thoughts and junk. So...till next time, bye! <33

so i'm new to this...

Hi :) I don't exactly know what I'm doing. I just wanted a place where i could come, write out my feelings and thoughts, and maybe have some people that understand and maybe give me advice if they have it. Not that I'm actually expecting anyone to read this, as I don't even know if people can read this. But just in case. :)

I suppose I should start with an introduction of sorts. My name is Whitney, I'm 21, I live in Utah. Up until about a week ago, I worked at a pizza place as a shift manager. Then I quit because my boss was freaking ridiculous and doing a horrible job at being a boss, and putting the blame on everyone but herself, and as one of the 2 shift managers we had there, I got a lot of it.

So now I'm jobless, but I am hoping to find another job soon. It's not gonna be easy at all; I live in a smallish town, with a lot of unemployed people and not many jobs. I'm hoping the fact that I worked at my other job since I was 17 will give me an advantage over other people but who knows. I've never even tried to get a different job till now so I have no idea what people are looking for.

But enough about that, as it stresses me out to even think about my old job, and revs up the anxiety when thinking about job interviews and even going to apply for a job. Like, makes me sick and worried and want to jump off a cliff. (Worst way to go, I think,)

What else about me...I'm not really that interesting. Like I said, I'm 21, but I still live at home, with my dad, siblings, and my dads wife. So I'm not at all grown up. I love cartoons more than most shows, I would rather play games than go out with people, tho don't get me wrong, now that I'm 21 i take advantage of the perks of it sometimes :) (I recently learned that I do, in fact, like beer. Parties can be fun :]) I spend most of the day/night on the internet. :) Which I don't think is bad or anything, tho I know people think I'm a loser. But honestly you can make some really good friends online. I dunno. I like to read and write, and I make stupid vlogs on YouTube that no one but my sister watches but its ok with me :) I only started that to try to help with my shyness. Did I mention I am ridiculously shy?? Cause I am. I would like to think I'm a nice person, but people think I'm rude because I'm just quiet and shy and hate eye contact until I get to know someone. I guess that's it about me.

I kinda just want this to be a place where I can come and rant about stuff, because I feel dumb if i do it on tumblr and I know most of my followers only follow because I reblog so much Dan and Phil (<3333333) stuff, and I don't want to bug them with my problems.

I am watching a commercial for this thing...wraptastic or something. And I want one. I don't need it, but it looks like something I would want.

Well...have a good day or night or whatever. :D